29. Greatest Versus of all time

Okay okay okay...So I read this on a blog a while back ago and since just recently (my last blog) someone said that Godzilla is stronger than The KONG! allow me to open up the blog conversation...Godzilla Versus The KongI reference good ol' wikipedia for this one...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Kong_vs._GodzillaResult: The KongPirates Versus NinjasAt Sea1. Okay...so a horse versus a ship? right..regardless of how well trained a ninja is, he's just not equipped to handle a pirate ship. 2. The fighting crane method is no match for a 32 gun Galleon. 3. With it's sails furled, a pirate ship could reach 12-15 knots. A ninja, while swimming, couldn't reach half that. On Land1. Let's face it. A one-eyed man with a peg-leg isn't going to win too many fights with a ninja. 2. The pirate has won on occasion by using the "Argh, matey, look out behind ye!" ploy. This statistically works on 1 out of every 4 ninjas. So, if you ever come across the exam question, "What beats dumb ninjas?" you can respond with confidence, "Clever pirates."In The AirNeither ninjas nor pirates are known for their flying skills. In fact, the only thing close to a pirate flying was Errol Flynn, who played a pirate in "Captain Blood" and went on to star in "Those Magnificent Men and Their Flying Machines." In most cases the ninjas will dismantle their plane's wings to make huge throwing stars. The pirates always try and drink the plane's fuel, which most claim is weaker than the typical pirate grog. The Result: Neither encounter proves either side victorious, and this scenario ends in a draw.Alien Versus Predatorreference to the movies...and comics...I kinda see the alien as a weird rabid dog thing...and the predator as a sophito-macated machine with invisibility..come on...the only ways aliens would win would be with sheer numbers...Sorta like my job...the kids outnumber the counselors...hmm...scary if they all decide to flip out...The Result: Predator Taco Bell Dog Versus Paris Hilton DogYa know..this is a hard one...1. Taco Bell Dog is Mexican..come on now..those guys fight dirty...2. Paris hilton dog is rich and probably hired a hit man...3. Referring to South Park (which I love) paris could probably make him her pet and he would then kill himself because of it4. Taco Bell dog could trick paris hilton dog into eating tomatoes from his restaurants, which we all know were like..poisoned or something..The Result: Taco Bell DogAfterward: After a blossoming relationship with the Paris Hilton Dog he fell hard on drugs and went to rehab right before getting a security job with Gary ColemanDracula Versus Frankenstein1. Dracula is immortal2. I don't think Frankenstein is alive (quoting the line, "it's alive")3. Pitch forks and fire did frankenstein in4. Garlic and wooden crosses did Dracula in...5. Dracula could turn lots of people into vampires and have them gang up on him6. Frankenstein is the composition of many different body parts...what if they took like the best parts of the greatest people out there...bruce lee hands, ali's feet, michael phelps core, andrew's amazing butt...he'd be awesome...7. Dracula is undeadThe Result: DraculaAlf Versus E.T.1. Alf has spunk and loves eating cats...so blood doesn't phase him2. E.T. has the patented "E.T. Phone Homies" technique...so back up is always around3. Alf works out, can ride his own bike and can bad trash to the little blob..that's some serious mental work4. E.T. has longer fingers allowing for the ol' three stooges eye gouge trickThe Result: E.T. Jack Versus Ronald McDonald1. The jack is known for his killer head butt attack2. Ronald has been seen throwing a child or two at the Jack3. Jack appears to have a massive head that may help cushion the blows from the Ronald4. Ronald has a posse..the giant purple blob, the hamburgler...and the little bird that no one really knows the name ofThe Result: RonaldJust too many to keep going...Snow white Vs. CinderellaTerminator Vs. RobocopStewie Griffen Vs. CartmanBarney Vs. TeletubbyMichael Jackson Vs. PeeWee HermanGrouch Vs. The Cookie MonsterEaster Bunny Vs. Toothfairy (see my profile for a video of the easter bunny)Feel free to add more or...place your bets

28. Broken phone phun

So this last weekend during my wonderful wonderful adventures I accidentally cracked my cell phone."OH NO!" right?My phone is this LG Voyager Touch screen sexiness that basically exudes awesomeness...and here I am breaking the touch screen and essentially ruining a 500.00 dollar phone. That sucks...So now i'm basically forced to answer all my calls because I can't find/doesn't have the function to not answer when flipped open. Here I am then answering every single phone call from fear that it might be one of my marines and have to pick up their phone calls because most likely they have some random stupid emergency...anyways...I go to Verizon and of course start thinking of a million and one lies to tell them so that I can get them to replace it for me for free..."While walking a baby was on fire in a house and I ran in to save it..." -no..don't like babies"A car crash sent a flying woman into the air and I jumped off my motorcycle to catch her before she landed into traffic..." -no...I wouldn't sacrifice my bike for a human"Godzilla crashed into my house smashing my phone but only cracking the screen" -no..king kong is way stronger than himSO i walk up to the cashier and tell her...you know I'm sorry to say that when I first got my phone it had a small crack in it and over the last 6 months the tiny crack grew and eventually now my phone cracked...the cashiers response?"i'm sorry sir, well since it sounds like a manufacturer mishap i'll take your phone, send it to the company and you'll have a new one back in about 4 business days"my response "DOH!! 4 days...do you have like...loaner phones?"her response "well, had you accidentally broke it by say, sitting on it...you can just call your insurance and have it tomorrow...but clearly it's a manufacturers mishap so I have to take it"my response "DOUBLE DOH!!!...you mean I lied for nothing?"her response "well...no you didn't lie for nothing...you just learned that your lie just wasn't any good."jerk...:)

27. Definition of irony

Allow me to explain the irony and sometimes hilarious ways in which life gives you the "finger."So I never really needed glasses...So When I was in high school I wore glasses to feel like a smart kid. I wore them so that others would think I was smart and so i would fit in...you know..if you talk like a duck/walk like a duck thing...So I wore them consistently enough that I grew used to them to an extant..even though I only really needed them for reading...So I get into the Marine Corp and after many many many rounds of fire and many many pieces of bullet frag and chemicals popping into my eyes I had to wear glasses all the time because my eyes were decently weak...I then decide I'm tired of wearing contacts and glasses on Marine Corp training days and so got lasik...Now here I am without glasses or contacts and am decently enjoying it..good times right?Well now all I hear is how my face is plain and needs more character "you should wear glasses again because it's weird now Andrew"...WTF right?!?!?So now i'm looking into buying 0 Rx (prescription) glasses...in other words...just glasses that don't alter my vision in order to look like i used to...ugh...damn irony...

26. Hitting on women question

So I get in this morning and see like...4 messages from people that are wondering why I didn't help the guy out....as I read this I think of two things1. Why are you guys up so early reading blogs already?2. Should I have done something more?I think Chris Rock said something about "I won't hit a woman, but i'd slap a bitch!" Now I don't believe in hitting woman at all...although In my case...I don't hit anyone because I can get into really big trouble with the law (come on ...I have to register myself as a weapon with the county because of martial arts and the military) so I don't raise my fists at anyone...except maybe 15 year old residential students...but lets not talk about that :)Anyways...So I ran over to them and didn't say anything...I realize I should have said something like..."hey stop that!" or..."hey are you guys okay should I call someone?" but I didn't..instead I kept running...I guess my question is whether or not we in today's day and age still believe that you shouldn't hold back, hit, grab or essentially hurt a woman. Again, I don't believe you should...but if she is going all out on this small guy and from what I thought...making him bleed...should I have like...held her back and gave him the chance to run? 2 of the messages I got said that I should have "given that 'ho' a judo chop across the neck to stop her..." but seriously gents (you two guys that said that) would you really hit a woman?!?!? totally wrong if you have done that in the past or continue to do it...I don't know...what do the readers think?

25. Hitting on women

Soooo...yesterday I go home and decide to go for a run..I mean it's good times since I don't have to worry about school..since I don't have monday classes anymore...yay! So I decide to go for a run. Now I have a few parks by my house and the arroyo seco (river) that runs by my house. I decide to go to the park and take a few laps on the grass. As i'm running, mind you my eyes are not perfect yet, I see from a distance some really fat guy whaling on some small girl. WTF!?!?So of course my Andrew "the hero" spidey sense goes off and I make my run over to them. As I speed up and race towards them..i'm just thinking.."holy crap...how am I going to take this guy out...hmm..legs...go for the legs I figure..or dance around him..because guessing by his weight I figure I can just use some endurance to wear him down." So as I get closer I realize...wait a minute...this is all wrong...the guy beating up the girl isn't a guy at all...it's a girl!! what the hell...and the girl she was beating ended up being a really small guy! Whoa!The lesson in the story?Well...you can figure that one out...p.s.Yeah...by the looks of this girl..well..even if I wanted to help out the guy...I think she would've taken this Marine down easily :-)

24. Deodorant

Soo....as i've mentioned before...I had my eyes done and so have been effectively blind for the last few days. Especially light sensitive.The rules for me were simple...No getting eyes wetNo exerciseNo sleeping without my bug eye protectorsNo showeringSo anyways...there I go trying to figure out the best way to NOT smell like a foot while getting ready for work. The funny part was that my eyes were worse in the morning....so as I would get up..i would have to use a wash cloth on my face and special areas...you know..special areas...sooooo eventually this morning as I was finally able to look out and see my set up of products...only to find that I had been using a dirty wash cloth, the roommates toothbrush and some female deodorant...oh yes...good times. Good times in deed.hmm....i guess the real question comes down to well...if it worked...then...why not roll with it anyways?

23. New eyes

So...for those of you that dont' know about my latest news let me tell you...
I have magical new eyes...also known as Lasik Eyes..
I can give you an updated idea of how it went later (because it's too much to write) I'd rather tell you about a story about one other person in the office with me.
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So I go into the office and wait in line to get my eyes done...there was one guy that I struck up a conversation with who told me about his eye sight. Ends up being that his eye sight was 20/1900...this basically means that he has to be 1900 times closer to the object to see it clearly...basically he was blind- blind as a freakin bat!! So he walks into surgery right before me and I follow him....
After my surgery I am sitting in the recovery room with my eyes patched up with little holes to see through when suddenly the guy with the bad eyesight gets up and starts proclaiming, "LASIK IS AMAZING..IT'S MIRACULOUS, ITS A MIRACLE...I CAN SEE!!!!" I'd imagine so...I mean he was technically blind..so any improvement i'm sure would be a miracle in itself..So as he's screaming this..i'm sitting there scratching my head thinking...
"damn, i think they messed up my eyes since i can't see crap...everything is blurry and my eyes can barely open up....how the hell can he see the difference"
...as I hear this guy proclaming loudly how he can see, his ride shows up (since we are not allowed to drive ourselves) to guide him to the car. As he's walking away, again, still screaming the miracle that he can now see, he pulls his arm away from his guide and says, "i don't need your help to guide me because i can see..." He pulls away from the guide and as soon as he pulls away, *BAM!!!* he walks straight into a door frame and falls on his butt..
let me tell you about confidence...
I was once told that you can determine how confident people are by listening to what they don't say about themselves and instead watching them take all things into consideration...
and as einstein once said....
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and i'm not too sure about the universe. (-einstein)
You know...if someone is offering you a hand..guiding you and helping you along your path...take it..because most of the time if you don't...you'll end up landing on your ass

22. Price of a porshe

So my close friend buys a new car. YAY! he buys this amazingly pretty 2008 Porsche Boxster. Man it is sexy...So as I see his car my head just goes into overdrive..I mean I really think about why I can't do that kind of thing...I mean who wouldn't think that right? The guy is 26, a graduate from Occidental College, and with the fancy new car...hey he's picking up all the ladies...good situation ya know.So as I'm with him we start talking about this one girl that he picks up...he tells me how he rolled up to the club in his new car...how he turned heads and had everyone smiling/wondering who this cat was...so he spots this one girl outside and after a few courage drinks inside, he finds her and starts up a conversation. After talking to her for a while and showing her his new 2008 Porsche...well needless to say, he got her to leave with him...nice ya know.So as they drive home he pulls up to his place, laughing, practically falling and making a ruckus...I mean why not..he just picked up a random girl and is about to get lucky. As soon as he puts the key into the door, his mom opens it up and starts yelling at him for making so much noise...Guess he forgot to tell the hottie that he lives at home with mom and dad still...Ya know...it was at that point I figured out how he could afford a Porsche...I also figured out at the point how in the end...even though I can't afford one...how much better I am because of it.

21. Dentist office

So...it all came to me one day when my boss told me about a book he was writing. Funny thing...he tells me that everyone has stories in their life that they have to tell...you just have to think about it...so I did...
....Take southwest for instance..
One day...I was leaving from Burbank airport..to uh...well actually I don't remember..but as I was leaving I was taking a local flight and as such Southwest was cheap/easy. So I buy my ticket and a few weeks later i'm good to go.
As I arrive to Burbank..like any airport there are a million people running around trying to get to where they are getting to...I walk up to the automated teller and as I walk up to the machine some random woman jumps in front of me in a loud tone "move!! I have to check in" ...of course i'm beside myself..WTF? so as she checks in she then gets her printed ticket and runs off...i'm reaction..."good...damn rude chick.." so i check in and begin my walk to security..I clearly see this woman up front on the line already.."please let me through..i'm late and have to get there..." Knowing we have like an hour before it takes off i'm pretty chilled out..I have to give it to her..whatever she did to get to the front of the line worked...because it took me like...30 minutes to get up there...I finally get through and make my way to the plane..I wait around and finally board..put my baggage up, get my ipod out, and sit down with a magazine..only to find the same exact woman sitting next to me...funny...guess she missed that part where Southwest is general seating..
Sometimes...you rush and rush and rush to beat everyone..to get ahead of the crowd...in some cases, being rude to them...only to find that you end up in the same place as the guy you cut ahead of.

20. Southwest Airlines and patience

So...it all came to me one day when my boss told me about a book he was writing. Funny thing...he tells me that everyone has stories in their life that they have to tell...you just have to think about it...so I did...
....Take southwest for instance..
One day...I was leaving from Burbank airport..to uh...well actually I don't remember..but as I was leaving I was taking a local flight and as such Southwest was cheap/easy. So I buy my ticket and a few weeks later i'm good to go.
As I arrive to Burbank..like any airport there are a million people running around trying to get to where they are getting to...I walk up to the automated teller and as I walk up to the machine some random woman jumps in front of me in a loud tone "move!! I have to check in" ...of course i'm beside myself..WTF? so as she checks in she then gets her printed ticket and runs off...i'm reaction..."good...damn rude chick.." so i check in and begin my walk to security..I clearly see this woman up front on the line already.."please let me through..i'm late and have to get there..." Knowing we have like an hour before it takes off i'm pretty chilled out..I have to give it to her..whatever she did to get to the front of the line worked...because it took me like...30 minutes to get up there...I finally get through and make my way to the plane..I wait around and finally board..put my baggage up, get my ipod out, and sit down with a magazine..only to find the same exact woman sitting next to me...funny...guess she missed that part where Southwest is general seating..
Sometimes...you rush and rush and rush to beat everyone..to get ahead of the crowd...in some cases, being rude to them...only to find that you end up in the same place as the guy you cut ahead of.