-Get here.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
217. Fight or Fun
Fight night or date night?
-Fight Night
Good. Don't count the fights...that doesn't matter...what matters is how you fight, what you learn, and how you use it.
Bad. When you use fighting to gain control, put them down, come from a place of pain rather than a place of learning and growth. You attack their values and beliefs because you're speaking from hurt and anger.
-Date Night
Good. Who doesn't enjoy singing the Grease soundtrack?
Bad. Who enjoys listening to you sing the Grease sountrack?
216. The good, bad and ugly
You go out with the girl...she goes out with the guy...
You find her attractive and she find you attractive as well.
What happens?
we end up hyper focusing on all of those wonderful qualities. We start to see the beauty that she is...the way her hair tosses...the way she smiles and the soft lines in her nose when she is giggling...you can't help but want to feel more of her and her energy. ALL THE TIME.
This is the "cloud nine" of a relationship. This is the "honeymoon" time when we are blinded by all the fantasy of the new. We can list off all the wonderful things about them....and although we could probably list off all the horrible things about them....we sweep those away like dead leaves in the wind. They don't matter....we call those things "quirky", "weird", and "unique" that we just excuse.
But then we all know what's next...
We all know that this slowly starts to fade...those things that we felt in the beginning begin to wear on us...the tread starts breaking down...the colors are fading from the favorite shirt.
Then the fights start. The arguments and the disagreements...the anger and irritation.
AND I LOVE IT!
"What?!?!?! you love the anger and irritation?"
the answer is yes. But why?
Because if you don't see the flaws in it...you are not connecting with it personally enough. Read that again.
Let me explain a bit more. I believe that people live in a superficial and surface level understanding of things. For those of you who read this blog consistently...you're probably not one of those....if you were...you'd probably have swept this blog away after the first time you logged on.
Anyways, when you really care...when you really connect....when you really love...and I'm not just talking about relationships folks...you see the flaws in it. And that's the good stuff....because when you see the flaws in it...you are connected to it...you're sold. no refund.
This is why cooks can always taste the flaws in their food...why artists see where the color was off...
Connecting and loving is not just about the surface level beauty of something...it's about the whole package. Seeing all. Panoramic shot, not fisheye lens. It's about the ugly and the pretty. When the anger and irritation come out it's because we want to believe in the fantasy of the "perfect" relationship and when it is shattered...or chipped...we want to deny it being part of the whole. Wouldn't we all want to pick roses without fear from thorns? (just a metaphor folks).
But know that her "ugly" is what makes her pretty...it's what makes her more and adds texture. Something or someone that is big and beautiful will always cast some shadow when standing in the sunlight of our gaze.
Don't deny it. Accept it.
You see the ugly? You are angry with her? You fight? Good...you are now connected.
You find her attractive and she find you attractive as well.
What happens?
we end up hyper focusing on all of those wonderful qualities. We start to see the beauty that she is...the way her hair tosses...the way she smiles and the soft lines in her nose when she is giggling...you can't help but want to feel more of her and her energy. ALL THE TIME.
This is the "cloud nine" of a relationship. This is the "honeymoon" time when we are blinded by all the fantasy of the new. We can list off all the wonderful things about them....and although we could probably list off all the horrible things about them....we sweep those away like dead leaves in the wind. They don't matter....we call those things "quirky", "weird", and "unique" that we just excuse.
But then we all know what's next...
We all know that this slowly starts to fade...those things that we felt in the beginning begin to wear on us...the tread starts breaking down...the colors are fading from the favorite shirt.
Then the fights start. The arguments and the disagreements...the anger and irritation.
AND I LOVE IT!
"What?!?!?! you love the anger and irritation?"
the answer is yes. But why?
Because if you don't see the flaws in it...you are not connecting with it personally enough. Read that again.
Let me explain a bit more. I believe that people live in a superficial and surface level understanding of things. For those of you who read this blog consistently...you're probably not one of those....if you were...you'd probably have swept this blog away after the first time you logged on.
Anyways, when you really care...when you really connect....when you really love...and I'm not just talking about relationships folks...you see the flaws in it. And that's the good stuff....because when you see the flaws in it...you are connected to it...you're sold. no refund.
This is why cooks can always taste the flaws in their food...why artists see where the color was off...
Connecting and loving is not just about the surface level beauty of something...it's about the whole package. Seeing all. Panoramic shot, not fisheye lens. It's about the ugly and the pretty. When the anger and irritation come out it's because we want to believe in the fantasy of the "perfect" relationship and when it is shattered...or chipped...we want to deny it being part of the whole. Wouldn't we all want to pick roses without fear from thorns? (just a metaphor folks).
But know that her "ugly" is what makes her pretty...it's what makes her more and adds texture. Something or someone that is big and beautiful will always cast some shadow when standing in the sunlight of our gaze.
Don't deny it. Accept it.
You see the ugly? You are angry with her? You fight? Good...you are now connected.
Friday, October 26, 2012
215. Play fair
We get lost sometimes in our own opinion...in our own worlds. Being in this profession...well...that makes it even more easy. The problem with this is that we forget to include the other...we forget that they hold their own world.
Consider relationships....I have my world...you need to have your own world...and we need to have a world made of us both. The problem is that too many people try and throw their opinions and beliefs on the other without consideration and care.
When I think of playing fair, I think it consists of bringing your own self in connection to another where dialogue exists...not orders. It's me bringing the peanut butter and you the jelly. There is a dance, a stepping on toes and at times a tug o' war but in the end...it is just us...separate but together. Choosen not directed.
I believe that people will speak for the other and will give orders rather than consideration because they are scared. They fall into the type that believe that the only decision that can be made should be theirs or else they are not important. Conversation and consideration is too scary...too open...
"I will talk a big game and roll over you so that you don't roll over me..." Why do they do this? They do this so that they don't get forgotten or lost.
Dialogue means there is a return policy...orders means no refunds.
The fact is that you will get lost at times. You will be forgotten by others. You will not matter to everyone. That's not a myth, that's a fact. The sooner you accept this, the easier it is to learn that it doesn't matter.
But let's be fair, someone is always willing to find you...Someone will always remember who you are...and Someone will think you are the world.
Consider relationships....I have my world...you need to have your own world...and we need to have a world made of us both. The problem is that too many people try and throw their opinions and beliefs on the other without consideration and care.
When I think of playing fair, I think it consists of bringing your own self in connection to another where dialogue exists...not orders. It's me bringing the peanut butter and you the jelly. There is a dance, a stepping on toes and at times a tug o' war but in the end...it is just us...separate but together. Choosen not directed.
I believe that people will speak for the other and will give orders rather than consideration because they are scared. They fall into the type that believe that the only decision that can be made should be theirs or else they are not important. Conversation and consideration is too scary...too open...
"I will talk a big game and roll over you so that you don't roll over me..." Why do they do this? They do this so that they don't get forgotten or lost.
Dialogue means there is a return policy...orders means no refunds.
The fact is that you will get lost at times. You will be forgotten by others. You will not matter to everyone. That's not a myth, that's a fact. The sooner you accept this, the easier it is to learn that it doesn't matter.
But let's be fair, someone is always willing to find you...Someone will always remember who you are...and Someone will think you are the world.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
214. Connect the dots
I went to a party last weekend. The first time I've gone out in...well...a loooooong time. It's different to go out with friends...but when you go to a place where you don't know anyone...that can be difficult.
In any case, I had been invited and although I felt tired and a bit drained....I went into my natural resistance to respectfully decline and instead...just showed up to the party. I was greeted by the host and told to make myself at home as the faces of about 10 different people stared at me.
I loved it.
In this collection of people I discovered that the host was more than simply inviting life long friends...she was inviting her worlds. There was no separation...there was no difference between her "past friends" and her "new friends" there were only dots of time that she decided to connect other dots to. How beautiful. I met friends that were "older" from past careers to newer ones (like me). I met teachers...therapists...actors...and even saw a few women get handcuffed...giggidy (that's a different story).
I tell this story because it's a wonderful example of how we sometimes will be more inclined to not "connect" or collide our worlds. I believe that this stems from lacking a central and core identity. Not understanding our internal self. Not accepting our story and who we are. Those who spend time separating their work friends from school friends may be concerned with how their work friends would react to seeing their personality around a different group of people. Now this is okay. But what are you worried about in not bundling your worlds together?
Your reputation?
The opinion of others?
Being caught in a lie?
Your secrets?
If I know what my core self is...if I know what I bring to the table and the gifts that I own...then it doesn't matter what groups of people are around me...because they will know me for me. For my truth and for my self.
connect the dots.
In any case, I had been invited and although I felt tired and a bit drained....I went into my natural resistance to respectfully decline and instead...just showed up to the party. I was greeted by the host and told to make myself at home as the faces of about 10 different people stared at me.
I loved it.
In this collection of people I discovered that the host was more than simply inviting life long friends...she was inviting her worlds. There was no separation...there was no difference between her "past friends" and her "new friends" there were only dots of time that she decided to connect other dots to. How beautiful. I met friends that were "older" from past careers to newer ones (like me). I met teachers...therapists...actors...and even saw a few women get handcuffed...giggidy (that's a different story).
I tell this story because it's a wonderful example of how we sometimes will be more inclined to not "connect" or collide our worlds. I believe that this stems from lacking a central and core identity. Not understanding our internal self. Not accepting our story and who we are. Those who spend time separating their work friends from school friends may be concerned with how their work friends would react to seeing their personality around a different group of people. Now this is okay. But what are you worried about in not bundling your worlds together?
Your reputation?
The opinion of others?
Being caught in a lie?
Your secrets?
If I know what my core self is...if I know what I bring to the table and the gifts that I own...then it doesn't matter what groups of people are around me...because they will know me for me. For my truth and for my self.
connect the dots.
213. Just a rant
I enjoy my coffee black and my whiskey clean. I believe in responding versus reacting. Walking in reflection. The scent of wood, book stores, crayons and the ocean. Silence over noise. Process over content and heart over anything else. Wind, not air conditioning. Laugh lines, deep conversation, boots and t-shirts versus a suit and tie, multi-colored socks versus white ones. Dim bars and long counters. Barbells over TV. I believe that you have to practice love daily and remind yourself to give more than you take. Recognize your own gifts, accept your story and breathe fire. I also believe we have to learn when to be blades of grass and when to be tree trunks in stormy winds. We have to learn to bend and adapt when necessary...
Appreciate the small lines on her skin- they are art. Breathe her scent in and find her smile so that you can call upon it when she needs it. Spirituality is not about religion....but what moves you...what moves in you. Passion is not just a past time, it is a calling. It is a drive. Push yourself through pain and discomfort. Do not be comfortable. Grow. Grow. Grow. Shatter your expectations and create new ones to shatter in their place. Be vulnerable. Be wrong. Be surprised. Sweat more.
...oh and eat more donuts.
Appreciate the small lines on her skin- they are art. Breathe her scent in and find her smile so that you can call upon it when she needs it. Spirituality is not about religion....but what moves you...what moves in you. Passion is not just a past time, it is a calling. It is a drive. Push yourself through pain and discomfort. Do not be comfortable. Grow. Grow. Grow. Shatter your expectations and create new ones to shatter in their place. Be vulnerable. Be wrong. Be surprised. Sweat more.
...oh and eat more donuts.
212. Keep searching
"My wife and I are having some problems recently Psych. I can't help but think that she is just not the same person that I first met years ago. I love her, but the spark isn't there like it used to be and I'm not sure what's going on. What can I do to help us?"
Remember when you first met her? Most likely, you sat at a table or wherever and asked her a million things about her...her favortie color...her favorite movies...her favorite foods....what she likes to read....remember the early times? You were so interested in knowing who she was...knowing what made her...her. You wanted to just breathe her in...touch her.
I believe that over time....naturally...we forget to keep asking. We forget to continue exploring. We forget to appreciate and explore the things about her that are and are not the same. We expect them to always be the same....we expect that although her favorite movie back then was Forest Gump...it now must still be Forest Gump 10+ years later...the fact is that she has changed....and you didn't notice.
I know this to be true because like your wife...YOU have changed...your tastes are not the same as they were when you first met and to imagine that hers have not is not fair. Just imagine when people wore parachute pants and thought MC Hammer was the type of fashion that would never die....yeah...not so much. Anyways, she has changed...you have changed. Take the time to get to know the new her....explore...breathe her again.
You also have to have a conversation with her. Ask her how she feels about the relationship and express to her what your concerns have been. She may not have noticed anything and it all lies with you..which is a different conversation to have.
For now...tell her about your feelings...identify how you feel...then explore her. Get to know her. Breathe her in again.
Remember when you first met her? Most likely, you sat at a table or wherever and asked her a million things about her...her favortie color...her favorite movies...her favorite foods....what she likes to read....remember the early times? You were so interested in knowing who she was...knowing what made her...her. You wanted to just breathe her in...touch her.
I believe that over time....naturally...we forget to keep asking. We forget to continue exploring. We forget to appreciate and explore the things about her that are and are not the same. We expect them to always be the same....we expect that although her favorite movie back then was Forest Gump...it now must still be Forest Gump 10+ years later...the fact is that she has changed....and you didn't notice.
I know this to be true because like your wife...YOU have changed...your tastes are not the same as they were when you first met and to imagine that hers have not is not fair. Just imagine when people wore parachute pants and thought MC Hammer was the type of fashion that would never die....yeah...not so much. Anyways, she has changed...you have changed. Take the time to get to know the new her....explore...breathe her again.
You also have to have a conversation with her. Ask her how she feels about the relationship and express to her what your concerns have been. She may not have noticed anything and it all lies with you..which is a different conversation to have.
For now...tell her about your feelings...identify how you feel...then explore her. Get to know her. Breathe her in again.
211. Take it easy
I believe that in our "modern" world we are continually looking for the quick and easy...the now...the fix. I believe that although many say it is because they want to be efficient...it really stems from fear.
What do I mean? Let's take the lap band for example...I think that people often resort to this because it makes the weight loss that much easier...it makes it so that they don't have to work but can just lose the weight. I also believe the same about certain types of medication...but that's another story.
What happens when you use the lap band is that you lose weight...yes....but as soon as they remove it...you gain your weight back. You never learned to fight...you never learned to tolerate the pain of working out...the pain of new habits...the pain of trying harder.
You let yourself get in the way...you argue and scare yourself "I try to work out...but I don't lose weight..." You convince yourself that the ideal shape and body is dictated by magazine covers.
I know that shortcuts are convenient...I know they can work in many ways...but at the cost of hard work and dedication? it's not worth it. Learn to face fear. Learn to push past the pain...past the fear. Learn to push.
What do I mean? Let's take the lap band for example...I think that people often resort to this because it makes the weight loss that much easier...it makes it so that they don't have to work but can just lose the weight. I also believe the same about certain types of medication...but that's another story.
What happens when you use the lap band is that you lose weight...yes....but as soon as they remove it...you gain your weight back. You never learned to fight...you never learned to tolerate the pain of working out...the pain of new habits...the pain of trying harder.
You let yourself get in the way...you argue and scare yourself "I try to work out...but I don't lose weight..." You convince yourself that the ideal shape and body is dictated by magazine covers.
I know that shortcuts are convenient...I know they can work in many ways...but at the cost of hard work and dedication? it's not worth it. Learn to face fear. Learn to push past the pain...past the fear. Learn to push.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
210. See them
I believe that when people see an ex boyfriend or girlfriend they can fall into two categories.
The "I can't stand to see them because they did......"
or
The "S/he looks great and I need to get back with them...."
Sound familiar? I believe that people fall into the first category of "I can't stand to see them..." because they are hurt still. They may say they're mad...but really...they're hurt. They're wounded. They see this person and the pain of the break up turns in their heart...twists the sharp point and we feel little...small...and not good enough. Even those who take a "high road" approach and feel pity or bad for their former partner are speaking from a place of pain and hurt. They have not forgiven completely.
The "s/he looks great and I need to get back with them..." stems from doubts of your own self worth. It stems from not feeling whole without them....almost like if you got with them...you would be happy again...all would be great like it was. Instead of focusing on our own strength and beauty, we focus on THEIR strength and beauty. That's playing dirty pool. You're too busy counting their positives than your own.
Instead, I offer a third view that many people find over time. A place of peace. Where you can appreciate your former partner for the beautiful being they are...for recognizing their gifts and uniqueness in this sea of faces...but also for recognizing where they stop and you start. This let's you compliment and give to them without expectation...this allows you to feel vulnerable and open with them without fear of embarrassment. You know...the ways I ask you to be with everyone! This comes from a place of giving, a place of forgiveness...you give to them now versus try to fill your own needs and hurt feelings.
You see, there is a need to understand that they are beautiful beings just like you....if they weren't... you wouldn't have dated them in the first place (I hope). This understanding allows you to separate who they are from who we want them to be...and who we "THINK" they want us to be. Did that make sense?
The "I can't stand to see them because they did......"
or
The "S/he looks great and I need to get back with them...."
Sound familiar? I believe that people fall into the first category of "I can't stand to see them..." because they are hurt still. They may say they're mad...but really...they're hurt. They're wounded. They see this person and the pain of the break up turns in their heart...twists the sharp point and we feel little...small...and not good enough. Even those who take a "high road" approach and feel pity or bad for their former partner are speaking from a place of pain and hurt. They have not forgiven completely.
The "s/he looks great and I need to get back with them..." stems from doubts of your own self worth. It stems from not feeling whole without them....almost like if you got with them...you would be happy again...all would be great like it was. Instead of focusing on our own strength and beauty, we focus on THEIR strength and beauty. That's playing dirty pool. You're too busy counting their positives than your own.
Instead, I offer a third view that many people find over time. A place of peace. Where you can appreciate your former partner for the beautiful being they are...for recognizing their gifts and uniqueness in this sea of faces...but also for recognizing where they stop and you start. This let's you compliment and give to them without expectation...this allows you to feel vulnerable and open with them without fear of embarrassment. You know...the ways I ask you to be with everyone! This comes from a place of giving, a place of forgiveness...you give to them now versus try to fill your own needs and hurt feelings.
You see, there is a need to understand that they are beautiful beings just like you....if they weren't... you wouldn't have dated them in the first place (I hope). This understanding allows you to separate who they are from who we want them to be...and who we "THINK" they want us to be. Did that make sense?
209. Lost love
"Psych, what's your personal view/opinion on pursuing someone whom you know is in a relationship? I know this person who is my friend and I have always had an interest in her. It seemed as though things were going down the right path for us, but she and I both got busy and lost touch. When we reconnected, she shared with me that she had met someone, but I haven't been able to stop seeing her in more than a "friendly" way. I don't know if it is correct to try to pursue something with her knowing she is in a relationship, a committed one for that matter. I don't want to just throw in the towel with her as I can see myself with her in the future."
When I see someone in a relationship, I generally like to think of myself as a fan in the audience. A fan cheering on my team and hoping that they score (hey yo!).
Instead of focusing on her specifically, focus on what it is about her that attracts you. What qualities she has that has caught you. Her smile? her body? her humor? whatever it is...focus on that. I don't like to think of a "lost opportunity" when we lose that one gal that we feel close to...instead I like to think that they taught me what it is that I am looking for.
There are also three different things that you need to think about.
Her...if she chose to have a relationship with someone else...we have to respect her decision...and wait. Give her support because that is care. That is giving. Cheer her on because ultimately, you as a friend want to make her happy...with or without you. I'm not saying give her everything and be the nerdy sidekick best friend with acne from any 80's movie...I'm saying you have to find that balance where you can be with her...but also respectful to her choices.
The second is you...she had qualities that you find attractive...that you want in a partner...and to think that no one else in the world has those things is not fair to you. Not that you're saying that...but be kind to yourself. You even say, "a committed one..." which tells me that you trying to throw yourself in there is more about you and your needs...not hers. That's not fair to her.
Thirdly is your relationship with her. By you crossing that line, you risk losing the connection you have. Neither good or bad. It may be worth it as she dives into your arms...or it may not be as she slaps you for crossing that line and streaking across the field in the middle of the game.
I understand that the fantasy of the "gal that got away" can be a powerful one. I have to admit that I've often seen myself with a gal "in the future"...but that was a fantasy because all we have is now. Not then. I think we've all been trained by Disney to think that our deepest feelings and emotions, when we feel connection, will be returned to us. But that's not the case sadly. We have to be sensitive enough to know what we feel in the presence of others...but brave enough to use these feelings in a way that promotes giving...not taking.
I applaud you for recognizing what you feel...I applaud you for thinking about your decision before acting...and I applaud you for being "real"...but more so, I applaud you for giving.
When I see someone in a relationship, I generally like to think of myself as a fan in the audience. A fan cheering on my team and hoping that they score (hey yo!).
Instead of focusing on her specifically, focus on what it is about her that attracts you. What qualities she has that has caught you. Her smile? her body? her humor? whatever it is...focus on that. I don't like to think of a "lost opportunity" when we lose that one gal that we feel close to...instead I like to think that they taught me what it is that I am looking for.
There are also three different things that you need to think about.
Her...if she chose to have a relationship with someone else...we have to respect her decision...and wait. Give her support because that is care. That is giving. Cheer her on because ultimately, you as a friend want to make her happy...with or without you. I'm not saying give her everything and be the nerdy sidekick best friend with acne from any 80's movie...I'm saying you have to find that balance where you can be with her...but also respectful to her choices.
The second is you...she had qualities that you find attractive...that you want in a partner...and to think that no one else in the world has those things is not fair to you. Not that you're saying that...but be kind to yourself. You even say, "a committed one..." which tells me that you trying to throw yourself in there is more about you and your needs...not hers. That's not fair to her.
Thirdly is your relationship with her. By you crossing that line, you risk losing the connection you have. Neither good or bad. It may be worth it as she dives into your arms...or it may not be as she slaps you for crossing that line and streaking across the field in the middle of the game.
I understand that the fantasy of the "gal that got away" can be a powerful one. I have to admit that I've often seen myself with a gal "in the future"...but that was a fantasy because all we have is now. Not then. I think we've all been trained by Disney to think that our deepest feelings and emotions, when we feel connection, will be returned to us. But that's not the case sadly. We have to be sensitive enough to know what we feel in the presence of others...but brave enough to use these feelings in a way that promotes giving...not taking.
I applaud you for recognizing what you feel...I applaud you for thinking about your decision before acting...and I applaud you for being "real"...but more so, I applaud you for giving.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
208. Own it
Today I have to speak.
People will be trying to throw fastballs at me and I will be nervous. I will be afraid. I will be unsure and tired. But today, I will also breathe out loud and take a stance. Today my passion for helping others is being called out...and I will step up to bat.
This is my intention.
I will own "it".
"It" = my own fear, worry, sadness, spotlight, smile, embarrassment, shyness, judgment, former friends, new friends, coworkers, experts, strangers.
I will own "it" because of my passion to help others and give, stands above "it"
People will be trying to throw fastballs at me and I will be nervous. I will be afraid. I will be unsure and tired. But today, I will also breathe out loud and take a stance. Today my passion for helping others is being called out...and I will step up to bat.
This is my intention.
I will own "it".
"It" = my own fear, worry, sadness, spotlight, smile, embarrassment, shyness, judgment, former friends, new friends, coworkers, experts, strangers.
I will own "it" because of my passion to help others and give, stands above "it"
Friday, October 19, 2012
207. Be YOU today. All of you. Pretty. Ugly. Real
Ways to see this quote:
You saying it to someone else..... (they hope)
They saying it to you .... (you hope)
You saying it to the real you that was left at home that day ... (I hope)
206. Find
-Find the owner of the other toothbrush in your bathroom.
Not because you have to...but because you choose to.
205. It feels good
Whatever you're going through...whatever trial...whatever pain...what "bad luck" you're having...whatever dark place you are in...know that it is only one chapter in the whole book. One scene in the play. That hard push before your next water break.
Whatever it is...it will pass. Pull out of your head...pull out of the feeling of being trapped and in that dark place and find the meaning in it. It's not the pain that matters...but the meaning it brings.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
204. Passion vs. Purpose
I believe that people tend to use these words interchangeably without thinking very much about it. Although this isn't meant to be the end all of definition...this is my psychobabble about it...
I believe that purpose is what we use to turn us the direction we want to go. A compass. It's points and give direction while passion is about the motor that we use to drive us towards it. Passion is more than simple direction, passion is the raw material that we call on to juice our motor. This juice makes us feel alive...makes us feel driven.
This is why I believe you shouldn't ask what the world needs...but instead ask, what makes you passionate...what makes you come alive...because what the world needs is more people who have come alive.
This is the beauty of passion. It is a deep part of yourself...something that many people don't know about...don't care to know many times...but we know it's there. We feel it when we doing what we love...we call on it many times...think of when you're with your kids...when you are just engaged and lost in music...stuck and fighting a battle...you have all felt passion. if you haven't....you're lying.
Most people are other people...their thoughts are simply something they heard from another person...their lives a carbon copy of what they think they want to be...and their passions usually a quotation. Passion is unique...it's you...it is a collection of you....a combination of your shadow...your secrets...your love and your dreams.
What makes you and your passion different is that it's stamped with your personality. But that is passion...to find it you simply have to look into the darkside of your nature...you know...that dark and deep part of yourself...that area that holds pieces of us that we're busy denying...and use it as fuel to drive you.
boy...passion.
I believe that purpose is what we use to turn us the direction we want to go. A compass. It's points and give direction while passion is about the motor that we use to drive us towards it. Passion is more than simple direction, passion is the raw material that we call on to juice our motor. This juice makes us feel alive...makes us feel driven.
This is why I believe you shouldn't ask what the world needs...but instead ask, what makes you passionate...what makes you come alive...because what the world needs is more people who have come alive.
This is the beauty of passion. It is a deep part of yourself...something that many people don't know about...don't care to know many times...but we know it's there. We feel it when we doing what we love...we call on it many times...think of when you're with your kids...when you are just engaged and lost in music...stuck and fighting a battle...you have all felt passion. if you haven't....you're lying.
Most people are other people...their thoughts are simply something they heard from another person...their lives a carbon copy of what they think they want to be...and their passions usually a quotation. Passion is unique...it's you...it is a collection of you....a combination of your shadow...your secrets...your love and your dreams.
What makes you and your passion different is that it's stamped with your personality. But that is passion...to find it you simply have to look into the darkside of your nature...you know...that dark and deep part of yourself...that area that holds pieces of us that we're busy denying...and use it as fuel to drive you.
boy...passion.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
203. Playground
I believe that many people wake up every morning dreading the day. Their alarm goes off, they turn over, hit the snooze, hit it again...and hit it again....delaying their day...pushing back their start.
They see their day as a battle. They see their day as something that they have to "get through" in order to finally get back home. I'm sure many of you have felt this way before...the dread of having to go to work...the dread of having to drive through traffic, fight with your loved ones for the bathroom, fight with yourself on what to wear...fight...fight...fight.
The problem with this is that if you wake up everyday waiting to go into battle...all you'll ever be is stressed and waiting to fight. With all that fighting...all we end up feeling is tired.
Change your mindset. Instead of focusing on surviving your day...see each day as a chance to play in your day. Everyday is an opportunity to play. Learn something new about a coworker (not gossip), learn a new way to do your daily tasks, pick up a random fact, take a longer crap in the bathroom, take a slower shower, take each moment of your life and treat them as playground equipment...the world is your sandbox.
Every time you do this, you are adding to your life, adding toys to your playground...but like the oppposite, when you are busy littering your playground with negative beliefs and attitudes (playing victim) you are just making a mess out of your world....polluting your sandbox. In this way, you are not surviving and dreading your day, waiting to get home....you are playing in your day...making everything your home.
Are you building castles or busy trying to make mud?
They see their day as a battle. They see their day as something that they have to "get through" in order to finally get back home. I'm sure many of you have felt this way before...the dread of having to go to work...the dread of having to drive through traffic, fight with your loved ones for the bathroom, fight with yourself on what to wear...fight...fight...fight.
The problem with this is that if you wake up everyday waiting to go into battle...all you'll ever be is stressed and waiting to fight. With all that fighting...all we end up feeling is tired.
Change your mindset. Instead of focusing on surviving your day...see each day as a chance to play in your day. Everyday is an opportunity to play. Learn something new about a coworker (not gossip), learn a new way to do your daily tasks, pick up a random fact, take a longer crap in the bathroom, take a slower shower, take each moment of your life and treat them as playground equipment...the world is your sandbox.
Every time you do this, you are adding to your life, adding toys to your playground...but like the oppposite, when you are busy littering your playground with negative beliefs and attitudes (playing victim) you are just making a mess out of your world....polluting your sandbox. In this way, you are not surviving and dreading your day, waiting to get home....you are playing in your day...making everything your home.
Are you building castles or busy trying to make mud?
Sunday, October 14, 2012
202. I won and lost?
Something big happened this weekend. Well...actually a few things did..but I wont get into that.
Some other big thing that happened this weekend was that I won a competition. I know! It was a weight loss/fitness challenge called Paleo and Crossfit. I'll write about these things later since they are not important right now...
but anyways...I won this competition and got a big ol' check, people were clapping and applauding me...congratulating me and yet...during the whole celebration I left. I walked away. It was too much. All I thought about was...damn...I have to do better next time.
Ever notice that readers? Oh you know...when you beat yourself up for good or bad reasons? Ive seen people find themselves going through a bad experience or having something bad happen to them and suddenly they feel the whole world is crushing them...they feel beat up, lost and less than....they beat themself up...
Yet...when something good happens...something great occurs....like winning a competition...instead of thinking the utmost best about themselves, instead of accepting the win, accepting the applause...they go back to beating themselves up and not accepting it. They talk about where they messed up...how they could have done better...I'm sure some of you know people that do this...
Why does this occur? Why do we beat ourselves up when things are going bad...and then when things are going good...we're waiting for the other foot to fall...great news comes and we wait for the bad news to follow? why, why, why?
I believe that this occurs because of our upbringing. Yep..sorry folks...blaming the parents again :) Somewhere in our lives our loved ones didn't give us that high five that we desperately needed...we didn't get the hug after that horrible loss...they were alcoholics....they weren't there when you needed them...I believe that we had a cracked foundation at this point. You did not get the love you needed. What happens when you grow up though?
well....
We then live our life wanting to get that encouragement and trying desperately to have it...we look for it in soooo many ways....this is where having fancy cars and a hot woman on our arm comes in...we think having these material objects makes us feel better. We exhanged a pat on the back with a porshe in the garage and think it's the same.
We strive for material goods...get in bad relationships that mimic the relationships we had growing up...we use drugs...we fight...we're angry...we're disappointed in ourselves....we feel never good enough.
sigh*
So what do we need to do?
a few things....this is but a small list but I believe it goes a long way...
you have to accept your story. If you've been abused, beat, hurt, punched, spoiled, given everything, pampered...whatever it is...accept your story. When you can accept your story...you can accept that what you went through...despite how painful it was, was only chapter one of your hero story.
the next thing is to practice love. Read my earlier stuff on love to understand it better...but simply put, practice giving to others more. When you give, you are telling the world that you are able to support and build others and this results in the world giving to you. This also translates to family...if something horrible happened or you feel like "they just weren't there"....you have to learn to forgive them. Because forgiving is the same as loving.
Focus on the product that you ARE....not the ingredients that you WERE. We've all been through things...but if you focus your life around the individual pains you felt growing up...you are unable to see the beautiful life that you are now. You are here now because of the pain you have felt.
and remember that you are beautiful.
What else goes on this list...hmmm...another blog, another day
Some other big thing that happened this weekend was that I won a competition. I know! It was a weight loss/fitness challenge called Paleo and Crossfit. I'll write about these things later since they are not important right now...
but anyways...I won this competition and got a big ol' check, people were clapping and applauding me...congratulating me and yet...during the whole celebration I left. I walked away. It was too much. All I thought about was...damn...I have to do better next time.
Ever notice that readers? Oh you know...when you beat yourself up for good or bad reasons? Ive seen people find themselves going through a bad experience or having something bad happen to them and suddenly they feel the whole world is crushing them...they feel beat up, lost and less than....they beat themself up...
Yet...when something good happens...something great occurs....like winning a competition...instead of thinking the utmost best about themselves, instead of accepting the win, accepting the applause...they go back to beating themselves up and not accepting it. They talk about where they messed up...how they could have done better...I'm sure some of you know people that do this...
Why does this occur? Why do we beat ourselves up when things are going bad...and then when things are going good...we're waiting for the other foot to fall...great news comes and we wait for the bad news to follow? why, why, why?
I believe that this occurs because of our upbringing. Yep..sorry folks...blaming the parents again :) Somewhere in our lives our loved ones didn't give us that high five that we desperately needed...we didn't get the hug after that horrible loss...they were alcoholics....they weren't there when you needed them...I believe that we had a cracked foundation at this point. You did not get the love you needed. What happens when you grow up though?
well....
We then live our life wanting to get that encouragement and trying desperately to have it...we look for it in soooo many ways....this is where having fancy cars and a hot woman on our arm comes in...we think having these material objects makes us feel better. We exhanged a pat on the back with a porshe in the garage and think it's the same.
We strive for material goods...get in bad relationships that mimic the relationships we had growing up...we use drugs...we fight...we're angry...we're disappointed in ourselves....we feel never good enough.
sigh*
So what do we need to do?
a few things....this is but a small list but I believe it goes a long way...
you have to accept your story. If you've been abused, beat, hurt, punched, spoiled, given everything, pampered...whatever it is...accept your story. When you can accept your story...you can accept that what you went through...despite how painful it was, was only chapter one of your hero story.
the next thing is to practice love. Read my earlier stuff on love to understand it better...but simply put, practice giving to others more. When you give, you are telling the world that you are able to support and build others and this results in the world giving to you. This also translates to family...if something horrible happened or you feel like "they just weren't there"....you have to learn to forgive them. Because forgiving is the same as loving.
Focus on the product that you ARE....not the ingredients that you WERE. We've all been through things...but if you focus your life around the individual pains you felt growing up...you are unable to see the beautiful life that you are now. You are here now because of the pain you have felt.
and remember that you are beautiful.
What else goes on this list...hmmm...another blog, another day
Friday, October 12, 2012
201. How do you know you're in love?
I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After years of therapy and many expired relationships, I don’t see love that way anymore. I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
Love is a series of choices. The
first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principles,
logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we
want/need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies
depending on the individual. Based on these factors, we either choose to begin
the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of
loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she
makes you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel
when you don’t feel anything.
But like an airplane flight, there
is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother
you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right
choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice: to continue to
fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a
thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in
their journey. If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you
stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find
yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit
turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind
about the destination. Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?
Love is making a choice every single
day, to either love or not love. That’s it. It’s that simple. Either to
continue the process or not. We fall in and out of love. Even in relationships,
especially in relationships. This doesn’t mean we don’t love the person. It
means we are left with a choice. There is a difference between feeling love for
someone (caring about a person) and loving someone (choosing to love that
person). You may have love for someone forever. But that doesn’t mean you
choose to love that person forever. The choice to love is not a feeling; it is
an action. That is why it is so difficult. It requires you to do something, and
I’m not just talking about buying flowers. It might mean putting your wants
aside. Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not a constant. It is a
variable. It fluctuates, depending on where you’re at in your life and what
you’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love. Sometimes it is extremely
difficult. But at the end of the day, it’s always a choice.
Although love varies, it also
deepens. This means the longer you stay on that flight and embark on the
journey together, the more fruit the process with bare. Your investment pays
off. Your choices become easier. You not only become stronger as a couple, but
also as individuals, assuming the love process is healthy - which means you
guys are both doing work. The choice to love creates opportunity to hit notes
in life that you could never hit alone, and THIS is what makes your choice
worth it.
So, how do you know if it’s love?
That is not the question to ask. The question is: Do you choose to love this
person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a choice. Yes or no. If the
answer is yes, love as hard as you can. Love with everything you’ve got (your
capacity right now at this point in your life). If the answer is no, promise me
one thing.
Let the fall make you
stronger.
JK
JK
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
200. Whoa
I've been lonely. Broken. Homeless. Tired. Scared. Depressed. Angry. Quiet. I've been in therapy for years. I've been to AA, NA, Al-Anon. I've been killed (figuratively). I've killed (literally). She's broken me, I've broken her. I fight. I struggle. I hurt. I write.
entry 200. Although I don't think this particular number "means" anything, it's a good place to stop and give thanks.
I don't know how many read this...I don't know who goes through my musings, who picks up some of my thoughts that I've put down...I started this years ago and didn't quite know what it was meant to be. It was meant at first to be an avenue, a voice to quietly make fun of the world. It's instead turned into something that randomly in my days someone will say, "hey man...I read your stuff"
When I hear something like that...two things occur...one, I get shy and pretend it's no big deal...and second, I can't help but want to hug them. I can't help but be thankful. My feelings have turned into something that people enjoy reading. Even saying that is odd. People like my stuff. HA! They like my feelings? geez. anyways...
I give you thanks readers.
The secret ones that don't comment...the anonymous ones that write me...the people that send me emails with art and pictures in it...the ones that have bookmarked me...the ones that write art to me.
I have more stuff to put on here...and I will. Slowly and in time...thank you, thank you, thank you.
Keep breathing...
entry 200. Although I don't think this particular number "means" anything, it's a good place to stop and give thanks.
I don't know how many read this...I don't know who goes through my musings, who picks up some of my thoughts that I've put down...I started this years ago and didn't quite know what it was meant to be. It was meant at first to be an avenue, a voice to quietly make fun of the world. It's instead turned into something that randomly in my days someone will say, "hey man...I read your stuff"
When I hear something like that...two things occur...one, I get shy and pretend it's no big deal...and second, I can't help but want to hug them. I can't help but be thankful. My feelings have turned into something that people enjoy reading. Even saying that is odd. People like my stuff. HA! They like my feelings? geez. anyways...
I give you thanks readers.
The secret ones that don't comment...the anonymous ones that write me...the people that send me emails with art and pictures in it...the ones that have bookmarked me...the ones that write art to me.
I have more stuff to put on here...and I will. Slowly and in time...thank you, thank you, thank you.
Keep breathing...
Monday, October 1, 2012
199. Keep rubbing
I tore my hands today...literally.
It hurt.
The light trickle of blood came out, rolled down my hands and wrists as I looked up at the pull up bar that stood there, chalked and still... all I thought about was "dammit! I still have another set."
It's interesting, I don't wear gloves when I work out...I know they help with slipping and grip, but the idea of going without gloves is to strengthen your hands and grip naturally and more effectively when you are working out. It's being naked.
What happens after time though? You build callouses.
Now callouses are interesting things. They are these raised up areas of skin that have developed due to continued stress and pressure...they can sometimes get so big that when stressed more, they tear off...and they hurt, or maybe I'm just a baby.
The interesting thing about callouses though are that they are built natural through a process of work- a process of pain and continued stress. Rubbing. A process of continued pushing. Callouses are symbols of work...of trial....and I'm not only talking about on your hands philosophers, I'm talking about on your heart.
Every break up, every loss, every trauma, every shake of your foundation, every disappointment, every experience, every laugh, tear or argument...adds to your callouses...builds your self and humbles you.
Accept your callouses on your heart as they tell your story, count your callouses on your soul as they tell your worth, and although painful....continue building your callouses in your life knowing that one day, they will be tore off again. Don't worry, that's what they're supposed to do.
Work live out naked.
It hurt.
The light trickle of blood came out, rolled down my hands and wrists as I looked up at the pull up bar that stood there, chalked and still... all I thought about was "dammit! I still have another set."
It's interesting, I don't wear gloves when I work out...I know they help with slipping and grip, but the idea of going without gloves is to strengthen your hands and grip naturally and more effectively when you are working out. It's being naked.
What happens after time though? You build callouses.
Now callouses are interesting things. They are these raised up areas of skin that have developed due to continued stress and pressure...they can sometimes get so big that when stressed more, they tear off...and they hurt, or maybe I'm just a baby.
The interesting thing about callouses though are that they are built natural through a process of work- a process of pain and continued stress. Rubbing. A process of continued pushing. Callouses are symbols of work...of trial....and I'm not only talking about on your hands philosophers, I'm talking about on your heart.
Every break up, every loss, every trauma, every shake of your foundation, every disappointment, every experience, every laugh, tear or argument...adds to your callouses...builds your self and humbles you.
Accept your callouses on your heart as they tell your story, count your callouses on your soul as they tell your worth, and although painful....continue building your callouses in your life knowing that one day, they will be tore off again. Don't worry, that's what they're supposed to do.
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