270. Home with them

I see my children in their eyes.  I am pulled out of yesterday and given tomorrow.  Nothing about my future doesn’t include them.  Home for me has never been where my heart is…home is where they are.  Think about it, every day you come across people that you may want to have sex with.  That’s easy.  Many that you will find funny, smart and beautiful…but really ask yourself how many of those you can see coming home to at the end of a shitty day.  Who do you want to be next to you when facing tomorrow is just too much?  Knowing that during your day, when the shit hits the fan, I can call them.  No questions.  No payment required.  Just them and their voice in my ear. 

How many people can make you feel safe and have the ability to make time stop no matter what happens?  Knowing that when you get home…everything is okay.  Counting the minutes until you see them again even when you’re already with them. 

Safe.  Not because they say so, but because they make you feel it.  Falling on them, pillow fights, ice cream sandwiches in bed, reading next to one another, bedhead and feeling/knowing that there is no one better for you or your children.  More than trust…more than surface…the ability to be emotionally naked.  That, ladies and gentlemen is “home”.  

-There may be nothing greater than coming home to them at the end of the day.

269. Pollinate

I spoke to a student today for a little while who had recognized me from a journal article.  He mentioned that after reading about my work in the military and now listening to me lecture for a bit about my time in war, that he felt something that he couldn’t explain…he’s says, “you’re a hero.”

I stumbled back a bit because I’ve never been called that.  I’ve never been told that I was a hero.  Like many of you, I grew up watching batman and superman cartoons…old school voltron and hell…even care bears who would throw their hands on their hips and fire from their bellies…they were heroes.  Not me.  Most of the time I stumble around and bang my little toe on side tables and here I have some random grad student trying to compare me to a carebear.  Wait…nevermind.  Anyways…

I write about this because on my drive home I had to take a minute and let it sit with me.  What is a hero?  What is the goal of a hero?  All I could think about initially was their drive.   Their ability to stand out and lead others…guide and protect others…stand above and help.  Then I realized, I’m sure all the readers did way before I did…that a hero isn’t these things…a hero is a servant.  A hero is one who gives to others without care for his own.  Without thought about his own well being. 

Therefore, this student wasn’t saying I was a leader or a hero as much as he was saying I was a servant to others.  For me, all I cared about was getting home when I was overseas…that was my end goal.  But in the course of my end goal, I ended up saving and helping others.  So although my goal was in my mind selfish, the path to it was steeped in lots of positive side effects.  Ripples.  Waves.  Movement.

I imagine what it is like to be a bee.  You know…buzz buzz?  A bee has one intention...get the pollen.  Fly to another flower…get the pollen.  Repeat, repeat, and repeat.  He doesn’t even know that as he lands on each flower he ends up carrying and dropping off the necessary things for growth…he creates flowers.  Life.  He has no idea that’s what he does!  He has his own intention but the side effect is life and pollination.  I think this is what makes a hero.  Someone who has their intention…someone who will work towards a goal and aims to complete it but while on his path effects and influences.  Supports and serves.  Gives and builds.  Grows himself through the growing of others…or perhaps…growing others and in effect, growing himself.

Buzz buzz.

268. Think forward

Rather than asking why something has happened, meaning causal, learn to instead ask what did it happen for.

I believe that when we do this, it changes our perspective…instead of being helpless and victim, we become the means and tools of understanding and growth. 

If I were in an accident that totaled my car, it would be easy for me to get down on myself, blame myself for some mistake…maybe I should have left five minutes earlier…maybe I shouldn’t have stopped for coffee…I should have payed more attention…I should have blah blah blah…all these extraneous events lead us to feel small, less than, and out of control.  It turns us into victims and helpless.  It forces us to live in the past and consider all the places we made mistakes.

Instead, if I learn to instead ask “what did it happen for” or in other words, “what the hell can I learn from this?” I can now use the event as a means to build and learn.  I turn from victim to victor…I am able to understand now that the possible reason for the experience of the totaled car, has taught me to appreciate life for example.  It’s forward thinking.  It’s movement and growth.

Deeper than this, “what can I learn from this” puts me into a place of possibility that allows a deeper understanding of events and actions.  It gives you back your sense of control and allows you to feel as the driver of your own car versus the passenger of a speeding vehicle.  Change your mind set and move from passenger to driver.

Q:  I'm having second thoughts about my fiance. We basically have a non-existant sex life (not to sound bitchy but a good or at least compatible sex life is important for a marriage or relationship to succeed), and lately I've been feeling unappreciated by him. He was recently sick and I took care of him, made sure he was taking his meds, paid for his meds, cooked, and cleaned for him. He can't even do something as simple as walk the dog while I make time to do it even though I work full time and attend school full time. Granted he works and goes to school also, and even though his program is different and sometimes more difficult than mine, he doesn't do either one full time. 
Am I wrong for having second thoughts? I don't mean for this to come off in a condescending way, but I have more education than him and a better paying job than him so I often think we aren't compatible because as of right now I don't feel we are equal partners. I don't need someone to make millions of dollars to make me happy, but I do need to feel like my partner is just that, my partner and not someone who I need to look after and cover most of the expenses.
But then again, I can sense his unconditional love for me, and I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. He treats me the best I have ever been treated, we can be stupid and laugh together, and never have I ever been afraid to be myself around him. 
I'm not sure if to follow my heart or my head in this case. But I can never say any of this to him.

A:  Any Philosophers out there?

Forward

There is no such thing as taking a step back.  I believe that every experience we have…good or bad…only adjusts the speed at which we move forward. 

-Psych!

-Word.

267. Decide better

Which are you?

Intellect vs emotion

Our minds are incredible small.  We have the ability to convince ourselves of anything.  We can rationalize and make things make sense to us…we can psych ourselves up…think logically and make connections to help us feel safe and comfortable.  You see, our minds are soooo freakin effective that we have the ability to take the smallest information and blow it up.  Take the smallest amount of thought and think of a million ways to see it…to believe it…to make it bigger.

Here’s your example, you come home and see lipstick on your husband’s shirt…where does your head go?  You could be married to the guy for years and when you see that…instantly your head goes haywire.

“who is she?”

“Am I not attractive enough anymore?”

Gents, you know what I’m talking about…you come home and your girl is just quiet.  Sitting there.  Silent.  Where does your head go?

“oh damn…”

“what did I do?”

“what is it?”

Get it?    Your head gets in the way.  Now I understand it, we do it to protect ourselves…to ease the blow…it’s natural to blow up information…but the problem isn’t when you blow up information…it’s when you only consider that side.

I think we often forget to trust our emotions.  We forget that the other side of us is as powerful and needed.  When we blow up the information by thinking of all the possibilities…it stunts us from moving in the moment.  It stunts us as we strain to make sense of things and decisions.

Feel too much?

I also feel that people tend to forget their head as well.  They get so caught up in their emotional drives and pulls that they can’t see straight.  Emotional decisions can be in the moment…not long lasting and often blind us to what is the best choice is for the long run.  They force us to act in the moment…force us to move.

If you’ve ever been cheated on you know what I’m talking about…you find out and suddenly you’re cutting your hair, at a club and hooking up with the first person you can.  You make huge purchases to try and blind and overwhelm the painful feeling you have. 

So what do you do?

I believe that we have one of the greatest human powers available to us…our ability to make a choice…the ability to make decisions that are both smart and emotionally fulfilling.

Think about your life in the last 5 years….have you made a decision that changed your life? Choosing to marry…choosing to take on a new job…dating that guy…  Cheating on that girl?  deciding is our power.  This is why I also believe that we have to make better balanced decisions that are intellectually planned but emotional fueled.

This is emotional fitness.  Psychological strength. 

The ability to find the balance between emotion and intellect. 

We’ve heard this before…psychologically, when I walk through my decisions and have an emotional drive behind it, I perform the best.  Consider this…

A firefighter plans to become a firefighter and does it.  Yet his drive to do it is emotional, as he is willing to save any life at the cost of his own. 

A sports star has the ability to score the last minute point…but unless he is psychologically driven into it, he will miss. 

Decide on balance.  Choose to weigh.  Plan and drive.

266. Our truths...

The last month has resulted in multiple emails.  Although I do not have the answer for all of you, I applaud your honesty, your dirty, your dark.  I respect your courage, and strength and ask you to continue writing.  

I have almost written back to all of you and will not post those responses up unless you want me to.



For now though, I want to post some of the email up and call it "our truths..." 

They are included with the date I got the email underneath..

Here's a few...



"I cheat on every girlfriend I get..."
(Jan 5, 2013)


"I slept with my boyfriend's father..."
(Jan 6, 2013)


"...I knew she had HIV but didn't think I would catch it...we were safe..."
(Jan 6, 2013)


"She makes me feel like a little boy...I love it"
(Jan 8, 2013)


"I cut myself behind my knee because its too easy to see on my wrist"
(Jan 8, 2013)


"I can't have children and haven't told my husband"
(Jan 8, 2013)


"I blame myself for my wife's death"
(Jan 9, 2013)


"My dad really is my hero...I see now that parents have it hard"
(Jan 9, 2013)


"Why did he have to touch me"
(Jan 10, 2013)


"I sometimes steal the ideas of my students"
(Jan 11, 2013)


"I hate you"
(Jan 11, 2013)


"I feel so wrong because I read this shit"
(Jan 13, 2013)


"I feel so ugly...all the time"
(Jan 13, 2013)


"I always hurt...always...I don't know how to make it stop"
(Jan 15, 2013)


"I feel like I'm free when I'm with him"
(Jan 15, 2013)


"I saw her and then saw the ring on her finger...I knew that I lost my chance"
(Jan 15, 2013)


"I think I'm smarter than you...but I can't figure out how"
(Jan 16, 2013)


"I'm not the father!"
(Jan 18, 2013)


"I was overseas and she took my life away"
(Jan 19, 2013)


"You remind me that I can be happy"
(Jan 20, 2013)


"I like to breathe a lot more now"
(Jan 21, 2013)


"'Why won't you just die' is what I could read in her gaze"
(Jan 22, 2013)


"I saw her lying there, waiting for her last words...her hand holding mine tightly...although she was the weakest she had been in years...I felt her squeeze my hand the hardest I've ever felt...I realized that it wasn't her hand that was squeezing...it was mine and the squeeze wasn't from my wrinkled hand...it was from every memory we held from the very first moment I looked into her eyes 40 years ago...knowing that I looked into them for the last time 40 seconds ago when she closed them"
(Jan 23, 2013)



This is "our truth..." what's yours?

"Okay, bear in mind, I am a depth psychologist. We tend to like the dark, dank, oh-shit moments, more so than the en-lightened ah-hahs. But really, please consider this piece with me:I'm not as sure, as I once was perhaps, that dark and light need each other. Dark's gotten a bad rap, I think.

My experiences of the dark, the depths seem to reveal that the dark brings some of the truest, most soul-centric experience of being alive, of showing us our connection to the soul of the world. Seems this is so, as the dark lets us slowly, very slowly "see," as our eyes adjust, so to speak, what the light may otherwise blind us to seeing. Seems too, that Western culture (the entrenched themes of major religions, and the economic forces) tends to glorify "the light," and engenders fear of the dark, the night, and most "dangerous" of all, the depths within us, the seat of our souls, our darkened "house of belonging" (David Whyte)."

265. Today

I'm taking a moment to see where I am today.  

Today... 
I write...to share my thoughts and reflect.
I treat...to support and offer peace.
I read...to grow and build more.
I love...to push past fear and limitation.
I give...to get.
I listen...more than I speak.
I lead...because people choose to follow.
I follow...because I choose to lead.
I fail...so that I can continue to set my bar.
I fall...because I color outside of lines.
I speak...not talk.
I do...because I can.
I believe...in me.

264. Dance with me

What is it like to fear love?

I believe that many people are stuck in the same cycle.  They yearn for love but don’t know how to experience it or they want it but don’t know how to receive it.

I believe that people don’t know how to love.  They don’t understand what it is to give onto someone else because they’re afraid.  What does that look like?

They’ve been burned by someone so they are fearful that it will happen again.

They fear loneliness and so will compromise their true feelings to be accepted.

They are in relationships and only do them because it’s part of their life checklist

They blame their partner and find where their partner makes mistakes

They end up serial dating trying to find this imaginary cocktail of traits that they think they want but can never quite get right

This creates an interesting reaction…when they finally find someone that they can love they…

Sabotage (passive aggression, game playing)

Run away (shut down, turn inward, cheat, deny)

Engage with them, but deny them to the world

This is done to protect and hide ourselves.  It’s done to guard and cover the gooey inside that we have. 

This is a natural reaction.  The trick is knowing that all the “good ones” are not taken or gay…all the good ones are the ones you let in.  They are the ones that you choose to dance with. 

Now it’s true…not everyone will jive with you…not everyone will be a good dance partner…not everyone will fit with you…it’s doesn’t mean that they can’t dance…it just means that they are trying to dance the Lambada while you’re trying to do the Robot.  You’re line dancing, they’re break dancing…they are on the two step and you’re working in the Congo Line…whore :-) 

Like a broken record.  Jump into them.  Be afraid and face the fear.  They may not catch you…they may let you fall…but that’s the trick.  How else will you learn unless you try?  Let them step on your toes, stumble into their pace…I promise that eventually you’ll be on the same beat. 

Good...because I see my whole world in your eyes

“Home...I want to be that for you one day…a home. Not a place, but a feeling”

-That's what she said!

263. Sex

Here’s a secret ladies.  What is a guy’s real fantasy? 

Threesome? 

Fousome?

69?

Anal?

Role play?

School girl? 

Nope….none of these.  His real fantasy is to satisfy you.  The means to which he believes he can do it is often the object of these above fantasies.

What?!?!  I can hear the yells.

It’s true.  Sure he may talk a big game…will often talk about his wanting to lay everything and anything that walks…but in the end what matters isn’t the number of times he finishes… the real kick is the number of times you finish. 

Oh yes.  It’s true.  I believe that men want to be seen as sex gods.  Yes, many do.  But how does he measure it?  He measures it by how many times he believes he got you off.  Think of a threesome.  The satisfaction isn’t from his wanting to be with two women (usually), his satisfaction comes from knowing that he was able to satisfy two women at the same time.

He wants to know that to you, he is the greatest you’ve had.  He is the “man” who did the job.  There is no greater compliment than a woman who can smile widely, breathe deeply and say, “Wow…you are so fuckin good.”

The catch?  Many men are scared.  Scared as hell because the truth is that we don’t know how to do that to you…and we don’t want to be seen as incompetent.  In fact, many times, especially at first, we don’t know what does it for you…what spot, angle or even how to hold your gaze long enough to get lost in it. 

So what do you do?  You tell him.  I’m not saying give him a freakin play by play but at least show him the playbook J

Guide him and tell him what you like and he will respond. 

Men:  You got a job too.  Listen to her.  Period.  That may be too easy.  When I say listen to hear, I mean feel her body, notice when she moves, where her hips angle…when her eyes squeeze together and her mouth opens…listening is not having her give you “simon says” directions, listening is about feeling every single movement in her like a blind man frantically reading braille. 

Gents, she may be shy and wanting you to take over and so giving you a playbook may not be her thing.  Your job is then to make one and ask her about it.  Communicate and check in with her…because she deserves it.  Eventually you’ll learn enough and won’t need it but until then…write it up.

Remember sex isn’t about the big finish…well…not always anyways.  Treat it like a song, a symphony of movements, a collection of instruments and chorus that lead up to the big finale.