242. Random musing

I just finished re-reading this book for the third time.  I've used it in reference many times and for various reasons...whether it is for a client that is going through something, a personal curiosity...or a simple reminder of what I'm meant to do.

I write about it because today when I put it down...half the book fell out.  It has been opened and worn so many times that the binding has split and the pages no longer are glued in.  It is filled with highlighting, pencil marks, pages that have been folded as a book mark....some of the pages are so old that I can practically see through them.

A worn out book.  I can't help but imagine it like my favorite shirt that has holes, various fade spots and areas where bleach accidentally was spilled on it.  A collection of experiences from when I've worn it.

Much like my shirt, this book has a collection of spaces and times when I have opened it up.  It is worn.  It is used.

I picked up the pages that fell out, gently tucked them into the book and placed it back on my shelf.

The end.

241. Thanks

When you give thanks, you are not just expressing what you are thankful for.  You are expressing where you have come from, what you have been through and are openly accepting what is in your world.

Give thanks.  It's turkey for your soul!

240. Intention

Today, I will eat without fear.  I will not be on a diet. I will not worry about carbs, dairy, sugar, starches, beans or anything that I think is bad for me :)

FINALLY!

Oh...and I will use these pictures of dogs to make me smile.

239. Who am I? Who are you?

The road to finding yourself is long and tiring.  It is a path that has not been taken before.  A path that no one has walked before because there has never been a "you" before.  Life has side effects.  You will be lonely at times this loneliness does not come from having no one around...it comes from not being able to say the things or show the things that are important to you.  It comes from holding values, beliefs and your truth which others find unacceptable.

We lose people to this loneliness..it becomes too hard because people will do whatever they can, no matter the cost in order to avoid their own soul.  When you are on this road to finding yourself, you will redefine yourself, over and over again.  You will learn that you are not what has happened to you, you are what you choose to become.  You will make mistakes.  You will jack up.  Accept that.  You will hurt people.  You will stain people.  This is important...you need to make mistakes because even if you know nothing at all...at least you know what things are not.  That is the power of mistakes.

Learn to develop a self reflecting attitude.  See that all things that occur, all the pain and anger we feel originates from us.  The most horrible thing about this is that many of you have seen and felt anger and irritation in others but continue to insist that you have not casted the first stone.  That you are without blame.  Think of any relationship break up you've been in.  It is tragic that we continue to feed and blame rather than reflect and accept that it starts in us.

I believe this is where emptiness and senselessness comes from.  A lack of direction, care for self and laziness to explore the inner world of our minds.  Accept you.  Accept your story.  See the world not just through thinking and logic, but through emotion and feeling.  Through an understanding of your emotional lens and the color it adds.

Bring yourself together.   Know that you have pain and darkness.  That you carry a dark side that must be accepted as openly as your light.  It is the collection and binding of wholes that makes us complete.  It is the conversation between our light and dark sides that matters.  Continued growth, pain and joy.

Learn to stand alone because the bigger the crowd...the less important an individual becomes.  The quieter they sound in the uproar of the many.

Keep breathing.

-Love is friendship set to music.

pollock

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Some people say they see a turkey wattle (fleshy red stuff).  

What do I see?  

Turkey Fight Club.

First rule of Turkey Fight Club, no one gobbles about Turkey Fight Club.

238. Check your temperature

Q.  I am really curious about the opinions of my first dates.  What gives?  Like I wanna know what they think of me.  Is that bad?

A.  Why do the opinions of others matter so much to us?  Why is it that after a first date we want to know what they think about us?  After we meet our partner's parents for the first time, what they think of us.  

I believe that opinions matter because we want to know how the world sees us.  If we feel the same way or....if we exhibit the same qualities and things that others see.

I can believe that I am a stud, who is kind, sensitive and giving.  But that may only exist in my head...I am not reflecting enough...considering enough...looking at myself enough if others and all those around me say otherwise.  

Think of a thermometer.  I naturally run hot.  Sometimes I feel hot even though the thermometer says it's 59 degrees.  Am I wrong?  is it right?  Do I  automatically tell myself "oh it says it's 59 degrees therefore I'm cold, not hot anymore."  No!  I feel, what I feel.  I consider the temperature and my own feelings.  

The opinions of others should be seen as a thermometer.  It supports and gives me a general sense of the area but will not always match my feelings- and it doesn't have to.

I believe we are looking for congruence.  We want to know that who and what we project match what others see.  Now, I agree that the opinion of others shouldn't matter and that we shouldn't "care" what they see.  But I believe it's okay to hear the opinion about others...problems occur when you try to match, become, or take on their opinion.  When you base yourself on what they believe you should be...have to be.  When you do whatever you can to be accepted by them.  

Also...when you say, "is that bad" I hear you asking me "am I normal"  and the truth is.....yes!

I want to know what people think of me too.  If my "dating" profile matches the "real" me.  If my thermometer matches what I'm feeling...If the curtains match the drapes....wait...is that a correct metaphor?  Anyways...it is absolutely normal to wonder what others think of us....just don't base who you are on it.

You can check your thermometer and dress for cold weather, but always be ready for the sun to come out.

-What I want to be reincarnated as.

237. Hero/Villain

"...the hero is only as good as the villain..." -Cejile

If you don't have a good villain...then the hero isn't that good...just look at batman.  What makes him good is that he has a variety of villains that are really good.

Joker, Penguin, Catwoman, Two-face.

All great villains....

now take superman.  Who does he have?

Lex Luthor?  a rich guy?

Dammit.  I will not turn this into a "which is better" blog because I really like Superman better...but anyways.

The importance in this is to consider what makes a good villain.  A good villain is the guy that can "beat" the hero.  They are the ones that are all those qualities that the hero doesn't have.  The villain represents the darkside of the hero.  Think of Luke and Darth Vader.  They represent the shadow side, the side that the hero fights against.  They are us...backwards and upside down.

We all have these qualities in us.  We all have the "dark" side in us.  The side that we hide and fight against.  Try to suppress...try to push down.  I'm here to tell you that you will not always win.  Sorry.  It's a fact.  The villain/darkside will win at times.  You will cheat, steal, lie, rob and sabotage.  That is the darkside winning.  It will happen.  Sorry.

Sidebar!

When I was a little boy watching batman cartoons.  I remember seeing the episode and watching how he would take out the random burglars without trouble.  Although, the Joker wasn't in every episode, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that the Joker was "out there".  You know what I mean?  The joker was waiting for batman and cooking up a scheme somewhere in Gotham eventhough he wasn't even mentioned.

I would watch the episode thinking, "oh...his archnemesis is Joker! and I'm sure in this episode he'll come out for that epic last battle."  But as we all know now...he doesn't really have that big epic battle.  If he does, Joker ends up in jail and in one week he's back out on the streets and batman has to do it all over again.

The point is that even though Joker wasn't in every episode, I treated him as if he were.  I constantly was waiting for him.  On the lookout...expecting and suspicious.

When it comes to your own villain...your own self...you don't let it go unseen and unnoticed.  Continue checking.  Continue fighting.  Continue pushing.  Everyday you walk out of your house...know that you wear your cape.  Know that you are going into battle and that every day you are alive, the fight has already began.  All we can continue doing is staying the path and being true.  Saving, protecting and loving who we are.  The villain keeps our true selves and gifts hostage.  He robs us of our positivity and joy in who we are.  You have a responsibility to save yourself, to give to yourself.  To be your own hero.  Appreciating and accepting our gifts while utilizing our powers to push ourselves higher.

Fly high.  Mask and cape optional.

-Date Night.

rest

-What I do between blog posts.


Rest

is the conversation between what we love to do and how we love to be. Rest is not stasis but the essence of giving and receiving. Rest is an act of remembering, imaginatively and intellectually, but also physiologically and physically. To rest is to give up on the will as the prime motivator of endeavor, with its endless outward need to reward itself through established goals. To rest is to 

give up on worrying and fretting and the sense that there is something wrong with the world unless we put it right; to rest is to fall back, literally or figuratively from outer targets, not to an inner bull’s eye or an imagined state of inner stillness, but to a living, breathing inner state of natural exchange…

From Readers' Circle Essay, "Rest"
©2011 David Whyte

-What makes them sexy?

Determination.

Passion.  

Not in that order...but always in order.  

236. Hate/love

"The best CrossFit boxes are in the relationship business."

I heard this the other day and agree completely.  Fitness is standard in CrossFit.  You will sweat and burn and maybe even cry.  That’s going to happen no matter what.  It comes with every box, guaranteed.  What is not a guaranteed is the type of community the box builds.  Does your box follow stories and celebrate its members?  Does your box have events, field trips, a conduit to reach out to other communities?  Do you feel like you’re a part of something?  Is each day a piece of a journey instead of just a workout?  Is your box a safe container?  

The difference between a CrossFit box and a global gym is exactly the quote above, one is in the relationship business.  One is not.

When I walk in to the gym, everyone knows my name.  When I haven't been there for a week, I'm given a call to make sure I'm okay.  Everyday that I go in, I'm going to get supported and held...challenged, angered and pushed.  I hate it!  Boy do I.  Yet, I don't just do it for me, I do it for my box.  My gym/box is alive.  She breathes.  She yells.  She pisses on me...she rewards me.  She is a demanding bitch that expects more from me every time I go in.  Every time.  Sometimes, she's too much for me...she asks too much of me...I feel like quitting...like giving in...but sometimes, only sometimes- I walk out owning her...oh yes baby...I walk out feeling like king kong or like I just had some amazing sex....sweaty and exhausted.

And THAT, oh yes, THAT makes it worth it.  I roll on the floor heaving for air, digging for breath...callouses my friends, chalk- the language we use.

My box is bringing the equipment, the challenge and expectation.  She demands more from me...she puts me up to bat.  My box calls me.  It is my responsibility to meet it.  Answer it.  Fulfill her. Love her hard and continue growing.  

There is a saying in the box, "clean up after yourself, this includes sweat, blood, vomit, tears and broken dreams."

I don't know if I'll ever enjoy going.  I don't know if her and I will ever have a love/love relationship.  But that's the catch isn't it?  The catch is not to have a love/love relationship...it's just about having a relationship.

235. My picture

How is it that my picture and blog called "Just me" has the most hits?

That makes no sense!!!!  of all the things and random musings that barely make sense....that's the one that you readers have read/seen the most.  hahah.


Let me write a bit more about it then.

I chose to come out of hiding.  I suppose I did that because "good work" means to be observed and seen.  Open and available to others...to the world.  This is because the moment we make ourselves vulnerable and put the dream out there, we have the possibility of failing and falling.  Perhaps, I need not be afraid of falling and being judged.  How many of you have had a dream, had a thought that you hid because the possibility of falling was too much?

I believe this is why many people choose to do smaller things...smaller goals and tasks that we don't mind getting wrong, something that we could recover from if we fail and that the world doesn't have to know about.  Thus invisible and unhurt- not on life's radar, buried under the sand where metal detectors cannot find us.

But what if you dared to dream bigger?  To put yourself on a hill with a bull horn yelling at the world.  Where the one who dreamt small was burned down with the flames of anticipation and passion, and replaced with that one who participates fully with the future they may call their own.  Who envisions their future and actively makes their vision real and something that they can grasp openly.

Dare to fall.  Dare to be visible. Dare to be judged.  Dare to participate in your own dreamed future.

Be gold.  Be found under the sand.


oh and here's another picture of me drawn by a co-worker.

234. Stupid brain and masturbation :)

Knowledge is a stupid.

As humans, it is an amazing tool.  It is something that helps up to measure, build and judge.  The problem happens when we then use it to build this image of what perfection looks like and then how we are not that.  Sucks right?  We end up confusing knowledge for nature and buy into the lie of our own imperfection.

Solution- be nice to yourself.  Simple.  Be kind to you.  Accept that your brain is stupid at times and is judging you without reason.

Take yourself on dates...that's right, date yourself.  I'll say it again, DATE YOU.  Plan alone time and give the gift of solitude and individual openness.  Thinking about dance classes?  Cooking classes? Music instrument?  Do it, do it, do it!

Often times, we can get caught up in the mindset that we need to find someone, that we need to fulfill the relationship part of our lives...or if we are in a relationship, that we need to share EVERYTHING with them.  Although this is true to a point, I believe that we lose sight of who we are in relationships (friendly or romantically) when we don't date ourselves.  Give to us. Remind ourselves of how wonderful we are and the gifts that we have.

This is the power of masturbation.  I don't necessarily mean sexually, philosophers.  I'm not talking about the literal action...but more the time spent to one self.  The time given to you for your own self.  Your own needs.  The underlying action of being alone and in your thoughts and fantasies.

When you take on a new hobby, passion, interest, something! You will find renewed confidence and happiness in who you are.  That will enrich relationships, it will remind you what a wonderful being you are and it will help to keep some balance between you and the world.  I believe that we need blend who we are in relationships, not get lost in them.  Find a balance between you and I.  Them and me.

Plus when you date yourself, well....you'll probably always score at the end of the night if you want to...right?  :)

-That's what "she" said.


No, really.  She will guard her heart, protect her soul and only give it to those that deserve it,  have earned it, and grow it.

-I want her to say this to me one day.

233. Sing along!

You have a responsibility.  Yes, you.  The person reading this.  Yes, that's right you have a responsibility.  If you are an ongoing reader of this blog, and not just because you support the guy that writes it, but because you visit it in order to learn and "get something" you have unfortunately/fortunately accepted a responsibility.

The moment we learn something, the instant we have discovered something that makes us think, consider and be open...we have accepted the responsibility to give to others.  If you have ever learned anything, take it on as a personal mission to then pass it on.

I know that although this is a blog, I have a responsibility to continue giving....to continue supporting and helping.  It's not because I have any special knowledge, but because I've taken on the responsibility of offering.

Sidebar time!

I have a few interns that I supervise.  5 actually.  I have a few at my office and also a couple in my private practice.  I mention them because they have taken on this responsibility as well, and in ways that they will not know until later in practice.  When I think of them, my only goal in training them is to teach them to see.  Yep, that's it.   Teach them to see.

The interventions, the theory, the practice, the writing...blah blah blah.  My goal with them is vision.  I want them to see differently.  They will forget theory, they will forget the small things, they will forget information, but they will not forget how to see, how to envision life differently.  To see through the surface, to consider the deeper, the play in the rain, to breathe, watch and consider.

I am extremely proud of them.  Words fail at describing how much they learn, how quickly they have gathered new eyes and how they have incorporated the ability to watch and observe into their own lives.  I absolutely love them (professionally) because they have accepted this knowledge and do not shy away from it.  They now do not only see surface, they see depth and other languages in the world. Then, they pass it to others and treat patients with those same eyes.  Gotta love it.

ANNNNNNNNNNND we're back.

I've had people say that they learn something from this blog, they like the way it's worded and how the metaphors are used or something...and I thank you for that.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  You fuel me.  You fill me up with high octane.

remember...

You don't have to have a degree to use this infomration and pass it forward.  You don't need to have a supervisor or mentor to spread love and giving.  You simply have to do it.  You have to see outside of surface, you have to put on 3D glasses and see the depth of the world, the soul of it, the layers that it contains and the beauty it has.

You accept this responsibility every time you log onto this site.

Pass it on now.

I feel like this guy at times. 

Everyone coming to me looking for insight and help when in fact, I'm the one hoping to take in their color.

...and having the weird craving for friend chicken suddenly.

232. Be honest with me

I've written before about living your truth.  About the necessity to practice transparency, honesty and openness.  The necessity to express your honest opinion, be who you are and present yourself in the most honest terms that you can.  This is necessary.  This is needed.

For example, If people ask your opinion and you give them your honest opinion, the consequences will be held on both sides.  They may not talk to you anymore if you are honest and they dont' like it, or you may say something that you don't intend to come out in a certain way thus hurting them and the relationship.  This is a risk that we take in being honest and living who we are.

When you live your truth, that means that you are the most authentic copy of who you are.  You are the most real with yourself that you can be.   It is about acting out of integrity and following your values to take lead...not others opinion or your false self.  Remember this?  I've written about this before...for more details  read every other blog I've ever written :)

But what's the problem with this?

I believe that when we become too fixed with what our truth is...when we become settled and decided on our values and who we are...many can then close off the possibility of more.  We become closed to possibilities of our own ability to change and be moved.  We shut down the possibility to movement within our own selves.  BAD!

Therefore, I believe that what is more important than truth is insight.  Insight is flexible, open and willing.  It considers, pauses and searches.  Insight will stump truth, it will remove truth and ask it to change and stretch it's own definition.  Insight creates truth, it is the big brother, the cool uncle that takes you out to strip clubs.  Go Insight!

So how to do you build it?

It is a painful and slow process but the simple answer is to learn to be wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  Yep.  What better way to learn who you are than to learn that what you believe and the things that you hold as true are not correct.  Read that one again!

Insight comes down to our ability to see the other side, to flip the coin over and know that we have been fooling ourselves.  Insight is learning to be surprised, learning to let control go because when we do, when we empty control, what it gets filled with is insight and consideration.  In not holding anything as FACT and knowing, we then become open to possibility and the more possibility you know, the more insight you have.  So you see, insight is about knowing more possibilities.  Knowing that you are wrong, knowing how to use it and knowing that others can be right despite how "right" you feel you are.

Let go of expectation, let in possibility, choose insight over truth, see things in 3D, and flip coins.

-What addiction can do.

231. Air

Q.  "Psych! what do you mean when you say keep breathing? is that like you sayin to relax or keep living or something.  love your writing by the way, keep it coming"

A.  When I say "keep breathing" I'm telling you to take a moment to consider...yes, keep living....yes, yes.  

It's all of that...it's a catch all phrase to help all of you remember that you have to learn how to "respond" not "react".  You have to remember that breathing can be a conscious act.  

Consider this tidbit, we often think of our breath only when we're losing it (working out, surprise, pain, etc) anyone who has had asthma can understand this... so forcing yourself to breathe is a way to acknowledge that which you barely pay attention to despite doing it all the time.  Read that again.  It's a literal and figurative metaphor.  Breathe. Pay attention. Refocus. Live...don't just exist.

230. Friends

The inspiration for this ones from a friend and former colleague/minion who is too cool for me now :)

Friendship.

I believe that friends have two roles and responsibilities.  Yes, yes, yes...there are more but ultimately it comes down to two general responsibilities that everything else falls under.

They have a responsibility to support you.  They have the responsibility to follow you into the darkness, the responsibility to carry you home, the responsibility to hold your hand when you're feeling lost or down and the responsibility to care for who you are.  To give you what you need.  To take the fat girl home while you strike out with the hot friend, to tell your girlfriend you've been talking sweet nothings about her all night ;-)  To take a shot in the gentlemen (balls) when some guy is trying to grab at them one night on your 30th birthday outside of Dave and Busters.  To give you what support you require with whatever situation occurs.  Get it?

Secondly, they have the responsibility to sharpen you.  What does that mean?  That means that they are meant to be a diamond.  They will sharpen the diamond that you are.  They are meant to call you on your crap, meant to tell you how it is.  There is a side effect to this.  A side effect to sharpening your friends...you will fight with them.  Oh yes...You will argue with them.  You will scream at them and you will not speak to them all the time because they upset you.  But they are meant to sharpen and expect more from you.  This is a natural side effect to sharpening...pieces get broken off ya know?  The outside chips away a bit.

Remember.  If you surround yourself with people and friends who want nothing more than the best for themselves and their own life, they will ONLY expect the same from you.  Their friendship comes at a cost.  The cost is you having the same or similar expectations as they have for themselves.  When you surround yourself with these kinds of people, the types of people that set bars and aim, they naturally bring that out in us...and they support and sharpen us to be the best we can.

Now.  Here's the real catch.  Sure I speak about what a friend is.  The two responsibilities (Support and Sharpen) but the question comes down to this.  I'm sure you're thinking about your friends...thinking about who is in your world...but can you honestly say that YOU do these things for your friends?

Take a real moment.  Do you Support and Sharpen your friends?  Do you hold their hand and kick them in the ass at the same time?  That is the catch.  Many can say "yeah...I have friends like that" but when we flip it...are you one of those?  Do you challenge your friends?  Do you hold them to the light?  Do you expect more from them or simply stand on their side chugging beer?  excusing their behavior by saying "oh that's just him/her"

Be a shampoo bottle!  Support, Sharpen and repeat.

229. Just me

When I first started this blog...I didn't want it to have a face...I wanted to be anonymous...but then...more so recently...I've realized that I've put in a lot of time and work into it.  It is filled with my musings from years upon years...when I read back...I can read into my writings as a historical view of my life...cool.  I can almost tell you where I was and what was going on in my life at the time of each blog...random.

I even struggled with putting this picture up because people read my blog.  It's like...when they make a movie from a book...the image and movie is never as good as the book.  I like how the comedian Sarah Silverman said it, "I prefer the fantasy of people thinking of having sex with me...because it'll always be better than the real thing."

Then I realized..."oh wait...I'm doing this for me.....others just happen to read it."  So...there you are.

Perhaps...this is the first of many pictures to help journal more.  To help put a timeline on where I am in life.  Hmmm...sorry readers....more of me coming aboard :)

Keep breathing.

Once upon a time I had a wonderful friend brother, and although we don't speak anymore, he told me a quote that I reflect on every so often,

"We're all in the gutter...but some of us are looking at the stars"

-Find who owns the other sink in your home.

228. Make yourself worth it

Make yourself worth it.

If you are worth it, no one will think that you are "easy" to be with or around.  Because the fact is, if you are "easy" you'll most likely not be worth their time.  Know that those who think that you are worth it, will not stop trying to be with you.  They will push so that they can be with you.  They will fight so that they can be with you.  That is a painful process...you will lose people with this attitude...you will be lonely at times with this attitude...you will be lost with this attitude...and you will above all else, hurt people with this attitude...fact.

The real question is, are you worth suffering for?

and the answer?

Fuck. Yes.

They want to be with you?  They will be...only if they're worth it.

Period.

227. I don't feel it baby...

She tells me, "I don't feel a click"

What the hell does that mean?  It means that I wasn't attractive enough right?  It means that I didn't make her laugh enough?  Maybe I'm too freakin serious for her?  I treated her as a patient?  Oh I know, I don't make enough money.  yeah...that's it...not enough money.

Sound familiar?  Any of you who have been on dates probably have had this conversation go on in your head.  You hear the dreaded line "I don't feel a click..." or "I want to date some more..."

What happens?  We jump immediately to trying to question who we are.  Where we went wrong and what we could've done to be better....to make it work. I'm here to tell you that that action is normal.

But.....

I'm also here to tell you that when you do that...you drop your own value.  You question your gifts and uniqueness in exchange for what you think they wanted.  That is unfair...and an example of personal character assassination.  You just slit your own throat.  Great job.  Congrats.  You've died just because someone didn't want to continue talking to you or having you spend money on them.  Great.  Your blood is running all over the floor, the rats are starting to scatter around while the flies gather round...good...great.  Yeah...you've killed yourself...feel nice?  yeah.  You get it.

:)

But why do we do this?  we do this for a variety of reasons and I will not name all of them but I will list a few...

1.  You based your worth and who you are on the opinion of someone else that you don't know.  Please remember they are just as jacked up as you are and therefore, so is their opinion.  You went running after their approval and when you do that...you set yourself up to fall.

2.  You turned into a fortune teller somewhere in the beginning (of the date, of the email, of whatever) and when things didn't turn out the ways you "fore told" they would...it jacked you up.  You lost that fantasy of who you thought you two would become.

3. You've identified too much with thinking that you'll never find anyone.  Burn out.  You've been on so many dates that it is now exhausting, repetitive and boring.  What happens when we reach this mode?  We turn desperate...and in desperation we then compromise our values and worth in an attempt to find someone...our voice becomes theirs on our dates...their likes are suddenly outs....we try to fit what they want...but when it doesn't work out or they don't call us...we feel even WORSE because we again have no one...ANNNND we've compromised our foundation...our values and core for nothing.

So what the hell do you do?

...masturbation works right?  Kidding. Kinda   :-/

Anyways...what you have to do is learn to go into dates without intention.  Go into dates trying to hear stories and memories.  Don't think of it as romance...think of it as another chance to meet someone.  Be open and listen.  Ask to hear her memories, her thoughts and what makes her smile.  Ask to know who she is when no one is watching and try to be a friend...not a date.

When you do this, there are not expectations to be held...there are no thoughts or beliefs to be shattered...there are only two people trying to get to know one another and listening to stories.  A holding of space between two random people.  Open and relaxed.  If it doesn't work out...it doesn't work out...because you went in open to whatever outcomes...not to only one outcome.  That is the strength to being open, however it works out is okay.  Friendship, love, a meeting of souls for one hour...whatever....the point is you were open.  Un-intended.

Oh...and if it does work out...yeah....

You're welcome.

226. "I'm scurred"

Fear occurs when we begin to reach our line or bar that we have set.  It occurs because we remember something in our life where we failed, were checked very hard or were told that we are not good enough (either externally or internally).  It is the point where we accepted our limitation.  Where we fell back and said, "you're right...that's enough". 

And that, my readers, is BULLSHIT.  You have no limitation. 

Quick story.

When I was in Iraq, I was blown up a bit and had my knees broken and shoulder dislocated.  It hurt.  But what this did was influence the way I walk every day after that.  I would walk cautiously, I would walk with fear, I wouldn't work out, I wouldn't run, I wouldn't push.  Then one day while being cautious, I slipped and hurt them again.  Dammit.  Exactly what I didn't want. 

Over time, and due to bad cholesterol numbers :)  My doctor told me that I needed to work out.  I felt scared and fearful of my knees breaking again...of not being able to walk at all again.  But his reasoning was, the more you work out, the stronger you become and the better you'll be able to walk.

So I started working out again and pushing past fear.  I started heavy lifting...I starting running...I started getting back to it and started to change my mindset.  Sure my knees hurts...sure they ache and I am afraid at times...but the difference is that I don't let it own me.  I don't let fear keep me.  I choose to not let fear hold me...I choose to hold my fear.  I now choose to treat fear as something that I can see and hold in my hand or on my mantle...not as a shroud or blanket that covers me. 

I set my mind to "more" rather than "less".  I set it to "push" and "lean" rather than "stop" and "stunt".

Fear = Stunting.  Leaning = Growth


Your responsibility is to redefine fear.  Recheck and redraw your bars and lines.  Continually push your fear, lean towards, lean into, lean over.  Make it something that you can hold....not something that holds you. 

Dont use fear as a set of earbuds that you can only hear through...use fear as a loud speaker that you can speak through...

225. Make it happen

I often get questions about what is "right" or "wrong".  They want advice...they want to hear the perspective.

They ask, "do you think I should ________"

or

"I've been thinking about doing______"

or

"Would it be bad if I __________"


These are important questions because firstly...you are asking them.  Secondly, because you are taking time to consider and see.

I believe it all ties into intention.  What is intention.  I don't believe, necessarily, that there is any "bad" act that we can do unless we intend to.  So it is not the act that we do...but it is the intention that fuels the act.

If you only do something because you want some sort of credit later...that is "bad" intention.

If you want to hurt someone after they hurt you, that is "bad" intention.

If you act out of a place of hurt rather than love, you are acting out of "bad" intention.

If you only want something in order to fill your own need without consideration to others, you are acting out of "bad" intention.


So you see, the key isn't about the act or the situation...it is about the energy and the intention that drives you to act.

When I think of intention, I think of stretching, intensity and most importantly, will. 

It takes so much will and courage to act and decide out of love, instead of pain.  To choose and decide because of my will and courage, despite my pain and wants, is the goal.

If I make a decision because I want them to feel pain like me...or if I make a choice to take from them because I want to fill something that I think I need...I am acting out of "bad" intention.  I am choosing to take instead of give.  It is my will- acting out of pain rather than love.

This is why it is so important to consider your feelings and motives behind your choices and what you want.  Are you doing it to satisfy a need of yours without considering the other? Are you doing it because it will make you feel "better" somehow?  if so, you are taking...not giving.  You are acting out of pain with the hope that you will feel better by filling yourself. 

Intention comes down to a choice.  You choose to consider feelings, you choose to see perspective, you choose to consider, you choose inspect and keep responsible for your intention. 

No good or bad act....only good or bad intention.

-What intention looks like.

224. Lost

A man was lost in the woods.  He soon came upon a guide who unbeknownst to him, was lost himself.  

The man goes to the guide and asks, “can you show me the way out of the woods?”  

The guide looking at the man says, “no, I cannot, for you see I am lost as well.”  

The man stares blankly at the guide seemingly waiting for more and responds saying, “then what do we do?”  

The guide tells him, “I do not know…but I do know that I can show you deeper into the woods…show you the riverbeds and deep trees…the way the sun rises in the morning dew and how the moon kisses the night sky and if we’re lucky, maybe we can find a way out…together.”

...I believe we all crave the "answer".  I believe we look at fortune cookies and hold a small grain of hope that it will tell us about life...tell us something that we can hold on to.  Something to give us direction.  We go to fortune tellers, psychics, therapists and mentors wanting to know...needing to know.  It helps us feel less small...less lost.  I also believe that people are not looking for the meaning of life as they are looking for ways to experience being more alive.  But that's the beauty of it all...instead of feeling lost...without direction...know that having no or little direction is being alive.  It's the risk and openness that can bring you the feeling of being alive...

I believe that people get so caught up in the struggle to build outer value and social placement that they lose touch with the inner rapture necessary for growth and self worth.  They are afraid of being without (fill in the blank).  

Be lost! Be without direction.  Just be.  Someone who is without direction, without a fortune cookie to direct them isn't lost...they are someone on a journey.  A wandering soul.  

You are not lost.  You are exploring. You are learning. You are breathing and don't need a crystal ball to tell you which path to take out of the woods.

223. Guilt vs. Shame

Guilt is a knowing and acknowledgement of what we did that affected another.  We feel a soft aching...a pain that we can recognize in our thoughts and emotions.  Guilt is a knowing that we did something that we don't necessarily feel was right or good.  It occurs naturally as a way to help us connect and feel what the other is feeling.  We can apologize for it and make peace with it.

Shame is different.  Shame sucks.  Shame is an inherent belief and false knowing that we are broken.  It is when we find something so unrelatable in us...something so ugly in us that we think of it as a part of us that cannot be fixed.  Something unbearably painful about us...a deep secret sometimes...a manufacturers defect...a fault that cannot be forgiven.  This is shame...and it is deep.

I believe that we all have both of these things in us...secrets that we hold...guilty conscious or shameful beliefs about ourselves that we have held on to for days, weeks...lifetimes.  Letting them trick us into thinking that we're not "good".

Be free philosophers.  In learning to be free, you have to be willing to free them up...give them up.  You have let them live in your life for years...you have let them take up residence popping up every so often from the basement of your soulful heart.  When you let them out...when you speak them and share them with another, you will feel a lightness...you will feel an ease...you will no longer hide.  Write them, share them with a friend, bring them to light because that is what will free you...your act of bringing them to light with lighten you up.

See the light.  Cliche but true.

222. And what of heart, he asked me...

I miss the sound of your heart beat.  I would place my ear against your chest and could hear the soft beat that lifted me and helped my soul breathe.  It reminded me that you were real...reminded me that the sweet rhythm I heard and felt was more than just my projection...more than my opinion.  It woke me up...the soft pound woke me up from what I thought I knew about you.  For one moment, all that existed was me and your heart...I felt so close to your life...closer than ever before.  A single beat....sigh*...a beat that was the warmth in my wintered existence.  All that existed was your heart beat...and the most important thing in the world for that brief moment was that it didn't stop.  It couldn't stop.  I didn't want it to stop.  I needed it to keep going...I was addicted to your soft beat...I needed it...how could something have the kind of power?  How could it remind me that you were something so real...yet so fragile. I miss the sound of your heart beat. So very much. I couldn't feel mine during those times because my heart beat didn't matter...because for all I cared...during that moment...your heart beat was more important than mine...

Appreciate and breathe them in.  Find the soft lines in their face...see how they smile...smell their skin and map out every part of their body so that you can draw it out of memory.  Seduce her mind and her body will follow.  Speak to her soul and she will fall into your arms.  Whisper poetry into her ear and listen for her to rhyme with you.  Foreplay starts from the moment you wake up, soft motions, playful fun, and deep filling of her scent.  Make her smile.  Make her sigh. Make her giggle.  Make her fight.  Make her bite.  Make her want to eat you up because you want taste her as well.  Meet her where she wants to be held and she will squeeze life into you....I promise.

221. "No Andrews Allowed" (joke from simpsons)

I remember when I was growing up...we lived in the streets...hotels and motels...couches and a variety of other places.  I can tell you though...anywhere I lived, I had a club house. 

Living in the city is hard for tree houses though.  I think childhood movies made me think that tree houses could be built anywhere...but being homeless made it difficult to do that.  Instead I built forts, club houses, a hideout or would even climb under a bed and drape the blankets or sheet over while I hid and played for hours.  I was safe.  I was in a different world.  It felt inpenetrable.  I was always a member of my clubhouse.  Always accepted.

I think for adults we need to find our treehouse.  Too many adults feel disconnected and not a part of their own that they seek it out through others...they seek it out externally.  Fancy toys, sleeping around, being a "yes" man, attacking others....I believe that we need to find our own membership.  We need to accept ourselves. 

Yes, you're not a child anymore but all that means is that the way our treehouse looks is different, but the energy we felt from it can be found.  I believe we need to find safe places...places where we can be us...where we feel like we're in a different world and can just be "naked" and play.  Places where we can breathe and just be. 

I'm older now and use my treehouse often.  It's important. It allows my world of fantasy and reverie.  My childhood treehouse has turned into my adulthood batcave.  Same energy, same stories and fantasies, different title.  Always a member. Founder. Participant. I select who comes in.  I set the password. 

Find your treehouse...or batcave.

-My corner office.  My treehouse. 

Get here

-Who will be with you when you see this?

220. Spel check

These blogs come out dirty.  Unchecked and often unfiltered.  Inappropirate and rude....at times.

If you're the type that is too busy focusing on, and finding typos and incorrect sentence structure...kindly go fuck yourself :)

What?  I said, "kindly"

People that focus on the structure, grammar and spelling are missing the message.  They are too busy resisting and looking for the "bad" that they can't pick up the process....

"but psych! your message would be better received if it was written better..." -anonymous

This is partly why I wear jeans and t-shirts to work.  I went to therapy school, have a few pieces of paper that say I read a few more books than other people...sat with a variety of supervisors and clinics and I can tell you...what I wear and the few mis-spelled words should be the least of people's problems.  Don't disregard the beautiful gift because it's wrapped in newspaper.  Don't dismiss the lotus flower because it grows in mud. 

Get out of your head...stop spell checking the world, stop finding ways to get one up on people, stop trying to find mistakes in all things to feel better, stop defending, stop glancing and start seeing. 

Go deeper (hey yo!) than spell check.

219. "Give it to me baby...ah huh...ah huh"

The title is an old Offspring song...but nevermind that....

Giving is more than the offering of objects (money, moving a friend with your truck, lending) it is the process of offering who you are.  I think we just imagine it to be in the form of objects because it's easier to think of it that way but that's not completely true.

First off...some background...why do we give?  I think it's important to give because it is the recognition and understanding that we all posses the same basic goodness.  I give to a homeless man because on a heart level despite his possible "bad stuff"...despite any scars he carries...I give because I know he has good and is made up of the same stuff as I am.

Now...what is generosity....I believe that it is based in knowing what you are capable of giving.  This does NOT only mean objects.  It means love, support, care and openness. 

It means running late but staying with someone who is clearly in pain....it is seeing a low bank account but still offering a loan to a friend who is in dire need...it is not knowing what to say to a friend in need, but just holding their hand...

You see...being generous is the world providing us with the oppotunity to offer ourselves.  We do it not for the boost we will get...or the attention it will gain...we do it because we recognize the need to be a person...the need to offer ourselves to the other.  To be in service.  I believe that there is no greater calling than to be in service of the other. 

This is important....the act of giving and the act of thinking of the other, instead of yourself, provides a natural perkiness...a natural feeling of happy.  In giving to others, you are focused on them, pulling away from what is going on with you.  In giving, we reconnect with our own goodness and find inspiration for your journey.  Life is less difficult when you practice giving.  It is the sharing of your gifts and your sharing of who you are.  This pulls you out of your own head...out of your own stuff. 

Now readers...I'm not saying become superheroes and fight evil at every turn...although that would be cool.  I'm saying that you need to be present with the world and offer help when the opportunity arises.  Picking up some trash on your way to work...giving money to a charity...letting someone else go before you...

Give.  Get it? 


err...I meant.....give it!

218. Take your best guess

When we look at expectation, I believe that two things come into play...hope and fear.  Ever get that call from the girl or boy friend and they say, "we need to talk..."

yeah...your heart jumps into your throat.  How about when you have your annual review at work?  You sit there hoping that you will get a raise (hope)...or perhaps that you will not (fear)...

But this is understandable...we hope for pleasure and will pull away from possible pain...or we do a psychological prepping for pain by focusing on the fear (the bad news) so that when it happens we have been prepped and it will not hurt as much.  More than that, when we hold on to anything, this is a way to hold on to ourselves...a way to feel safe and understanding of the situation...

Imagine a piece of pie...yum.  We see it and may fall into desiring to have it...or....you may distance yourself from it because you're on a diet...again.  You may ignore...grab it and chomp it down...whatever your reaction, you move from a place of fear or hope.

Even the cute girl or boy at the bar counter. We see them and fall into the fear of rejection and dont' talk to them....or into hope that they will give us their number and go talk to them.

The problem then is not the hope or fear...it is the expectation and projection that we do.  What does that mean?  that means that when a situation arises, we will throw our expectations onto the situation...we will throw our "best guess" at what will happen.  We become fortune tellers.  Trying to read the future of the expectation.  Sometimes we're right and sometimes we're wrong. 

What do you do?  You need to stop layering "me" and "my opinions" and expectations on situations as they arise.  Pull out of your head...pull out of the fear and hope and just allow things to come to you as they come.  If you hear your girl or boy say "we need to talk..." don't etch your expectation in stone.  Expectations should be written in chalk, not sharpie.  Take them as they come...not as you want them to come.  Be open. Flexible.  Willing to "roll with it" as it comes. 

If you always solidify your expectations out of hope or fear, you will get frustrated or move to defense whenever things come up...when you can relax with whatever comes up without coloring it with our projections and opinions of what will happen, then there is nothing to worry about...nothing to become concerned with.

Nothing to guess at.