I've been reflecting a lot on relationships lately, as you can guess from my last blog. I've gotten a few different email reactions from it and thought I would take some time to further emphasize the idea of relationships. It ultimately comes down to your own personal growth when you're with another person. Your partner acts as a thermometer for you to measure your own personality with. You must know that you are your own person that is not dependent on another to provide happiness/anger. Your partner is not responsible to make you happy. We must try and switch our minds into the understanding that we as individuals grow outside of our loves.
This is a miracle and curse. As you are with your partners, you are transforming...you are enlarging and growing. But the catch is that this growth and transformation only comes from suffering. Stop and consider the times you have learned a lesson. Most likely, it came at the cost of conflict, loss, sadness, and anger.
This is the problem with relationships or even marriage. Many believe that marriage is an amazing, beautiful, "butterfly in stomach", flowers blooming and sweet scents throughout the rest of our lives...but the fact is that relationships/marriage have NOTHING to do with being happy :) seriously. It has nothing to do with being happy- it has to do with being transformed. Happiness is only a side-effect of your transformation...when your transformation is realized it is a magnificent experience. But you have to give in. You have to yield/submit. You have to give in. Lose the arm wrestling match, submit to the transformation of being with the other. Only when you own your flaws and actively use your partner as a person to walk the journey with, do you find your transformation and happiness.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
156. Relationships...to ourselves
I want to take some time to talk a little about relationships. There is a little secret about them...I know! Come closer....closer.....closer! DAMMIT! your eye ball should be touching the screen!
:)
I written about this before but I want to drive this home to all of you readers out there that are in relationships or are wanting to be in one or hmmm...just masturbate a lot :)
A marriage, a relationship, a lover, a partner, a girlfriend, a boyfriend are a guarantee of nothing certain. We feel that having a relationship gives us that sense of not being lonely, that sense of having someone there, that sense of being close to and in line with another...but what I want you to take into consideration is that the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves. READ THAT LAST SENTENCE AGAIN!
"the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves"
What the hell does that mean!?!? it means that in order to have a wonderful relationship, it is each person's personal responsibility to fix themselves and see where they are individually jacked up. It is not your partner's fault for how you feel....READ THAT ONE AGAIN!
The best thing that can be done for our relationships with others and with the higher level and deeper soulful connection with another is to create a deeper relationship to ourselves. We must make our inner hurt/trauma/pain/love more conscious.
I believe that many go into relationships because they feel that the "other" person will somehow "fix" them. The fact is that the only thing a relationship does is show you your own flaws....it is then your responsibility and individual calling to work on yourself. Our partners are mirrors for our issues.
This is the problem and the solution. We need relationships to help mirror where we are all messed up but at the same time must be willing to accept that our partners are not necessarily the ones making us angry, we are angry as a reaction to seeing them do something against our values...we are angry at ourselves when we see our own issues in our partners.
This is why love is hard. Love is hard because it forces an opening of our inner soul and working to a world that we often don't want to see. No one wants to see how really jacked up and screwed up they are...this is why the opposite of love is not hate, but the opposite of love is fear.
People often times do not commit in relationships because they fear what they will see...they fear having to face their own crap and having to face their own issues. This is what I see in relationships...the health and hope of any intimate relationship will depend on each party's willingness to assume responsibility for that relationship to one's own unconscious shit!
Ghandi once said, "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." falling in love is easy...but truly LOVING another person is heroic. If we really love our partner, we have heroically taken on the responsibility for our own growth, our own journey, our own individuation to be better. If you don't know your issues....do this. Think back to your last argument...be honest with yourself and think about what really PISSED YOU OFF. What really did your partner do that upset you...you have to be willing to admit that they may have done something...but ultimately, you were the one that felt reactive to his/her/their actions.
This is the hard part...you must be willing to acknowledge that they will reflect your issues. Own your feelings and be real. Every argument is a chance for you to grow...a chance for you to see your shortfalls...take a moment to own it and work on it.
Think of it like this...your relationship should be like an airplane flight. You both get on going somewhere and for the flight that you are on...you sit next to one another...that's it. You are still different, you are still two different people...you will still eat different meals, use the bathroom at different times...but for that flight you are on...you share a common goal.
Love is about facing your fear and traveling. It is about sitting next to a person on a flight, not having them carry you on their back. It is about holding their hand willingly, not hand-cuffing yourself to them. It's about you ordering the chicken and them having the fish but eating at the same times...you must grow on your own. You must find where you are jacked up....fly with them....
:)
I written about this before but I want to drive this home to all of you readers out there that are in relationships or are wanting to be in one or hmmm...just masturbate a lot :)
A marriage, a relationship, a lover, a partner, a girlfriend, a boyfriend are a guarantee of nothing certain. We feel that having a relationship gives us that sense of not being lonely, that sense of having someone there, that sense of being close to and in line with another...but what I want you to take into consideration is that the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves. READ THAT LAST SENTENCE AGAIN!
"the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves"
What the hell does that mean!?!? it means that in order to have a wonderful relationship, it is each person's personal responsibility to fix themselves and see where they are individually jacked up. It is not your partner's fault for how you feel....READ THAT ONE AGAIN!
The best thing that can be done for our relationships with others and with the higher level and deeper soulful connection with another is to create a deeper relationship to ourselves. We must make our inner hurt/trauma/pain/love more conscious.
I believe that many go into relationships because they feel that the "other" person will somehow "fix" them. The fact is that the only thing a relationship does is show you your own flaws....it is then your responsibility and individual calling to work on yourself. Our partners are mirrors for our issues.
This is the problem and the solution. We need relationships to help mirror where we are all messed up but at the same time must be willing to accept that our partners are not necessarily the ones making us angry, we are angry as a reaction to seeing them do something against our values...we are angry at ourselves when we see our own issues in our partners.
This is why love is hard. Love is hard because it forces an opening of our inner soul and working to a world that we often don't want to see. No one wants to see how really jacked up and screwed up they are...this is why the opposite of love is not hate, but the opposite of love is fear.
People often times do not commit in relationships because they fear what they will see...they fear having to face their own crap and having to face their own issues. This is what I see in relationships...the health and hope of any intimate relationship will depend on each party's willingness to assume responsibility for that relationship to one's own unconscious shit!
Ghandi once said, "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." falling in love is easy...but truly LOVING another person is heroic. If we really love our partner, we have heroically taken on the responsibility for our own growth, our own journey, our own individuation to be better. If you don't know your issues....do this. Think back to your last argument...be honest with yourself and think about what really PISSED YOU OFF. What really did your partner do that upset you...you have to be willing to admit that they may have done something...but ultimately, you were the one that felt reactive to his/her/their actions.
This is the hard part...you must be willing to acknowledge that they will reflect your issues. Own your feelings and be real. Every argument is a chance for you to grow...a chance for you to see your shortfalls...take a moment to own it and work on it.
Think of it like this...your relationship should be like an airplane flight. You both get on going somewhere and for the flight that you are on...you sit next to one another...that's it. You are still different, you are still two different people...you will still eat different meals, use the bathroom at different times...but for that flight you are on...you share a common goal.
Love is about facing your fear and traveling. It is about sitting next to a person on a flight, not having them carry you on their back. It is about holding their hand willingly, not hand-cuffing yourself to them. It's about you ordering the chicken and them having the fish but eating at the same times...you must grow on your own. You must find where you are jacked up....fly with them....
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