6. 20's

Where does the comtemplation come from? Isn't it ironic to note how many times we have all heard, "these are the best years of your life?"...high school (no bills, no worries and of course the lack of true responsibility)...granted. Then we're told this again in college; no curfew, seemingly on our own, and without surpervision. Yet then we stand on our own after college with little to no direction, random bills and of course the impending danger of bankrupcy. Now given, physique is beyond measure in comparisson to anything I may ever have again, nor will I ever have the priviledges of all night partying, liver-less drinking or random dating. Yet, this entire timeline is more than that...this moment is the crystalous of a caterpiller into the darkness. What do you mean? We get out of school..or the "teens" with hardly a sense of who we are...hardly an idea of what it is to truly be on our own and step up to bat. What profession do we want...and in turn...why do we end up doing jobs that may provide for the time being but truly lack in what we REALLY want to do?
Consider those that want to be doctors...because they are unable to make it into med school they consider jobs as researchers to help them feel somehow connected to being a doctor and always have thoughts of could've been with some random reason why they aren't. Not to downsell on these individuals but instead to exemplify possible mindsets. I also speak to those whose parents expect certain "great" things of their children. There exist students who chose and actively told the world that they would be a lawyer for instance- yet when unable to make it into any law school or compete at that level, they create an acceptable reason why not and to fight embarassment tell the world that eventually they are but are taking a break or some other reason....good or bad? Of course taking into consideration those that simply go to college because everyone expects them to, or more so that's all they knew to do. The push in high school to go to college was so great that's all we knew, "I have to go to college, because that's what next right?"...and when graduating lack a true sense of what they want to do in life but instead "fall into" different careers...sales, insurance....etc.
Instead we find ourselves continually trying to find an answer to what we want when we don't really know what we want. I'm sure we all think these same things...they tend to catch you at all times of the day...especially when you least expect it...that morning commute, while at your work or even during mundane tasks as writing up a simply email. It happens to us all and in fact, it's interesting to note how we all think the same things but hardly ever verbalize it. In turn, where do we go? Are we all just simply predestined to follow in the steps of previous generations? and in fact, to delve deeper into the point, are we then subjected to pass on the same words to younger generations?..."these are the best times of your life..." because are they really?

6. So Tired

you know, i'm just so freakin' tired. we are all at one point pulled into a situations of create or dissipate, make or break, surge or flee decisions. We are forced, almost rhythmically, into points in our life when it demands your soul's essence, it demands every bit of energy and every ounce of whatever you have in you, it demands actions and even your own sense of reality. It squeezes any grasp that you think you have on what is happening around you, any sense of comfort and like a balloon, pierces it while you try and patch up the hole- and in fact, reminds you that you are perceptibly along for the ride, that you are the ant in it's glass farm, trying not to get lost. We are tangible, to an extent- puppets, led into decisions right or wrong and forced to choose our path. requisite or indecorous, pissed or serene, we are enslaved to it's rules, it's boundaries and ultimately it's determination, karma or kismit if you will. It charges and thrusts you so far before you are expected to step up, before you have to pull out those little drops of whatever is in you, that last breath, that last strand of strength and simply stick your finger out and say "fuck you world, I will not bend over..." That's the change, that's the outcome, it's up to us in effect to decide how much we want to take, how much we will be contrained to. be the balloon, say fuck it and slowly deflate until there's nothing left? blow it all and let the hole burst your being? or patch it up and carry on...i'll tell you what though, eventually, all those patches will add up...and no pin will penetrate what's inside...
In life it doesn't matter how hard you push back, or how hard you fight...all that matters is how much you can get pushed and still move forward..tired, bruised and all...how much will you take and still keep moving forward.