There was a time when you were a little kid that you would grab sheets, cardboard boxes, brooms, lamps, pets, empty porn VHS boxes and build forts. You know what I'm talking about...the little self made "club house" where you would live out your tiny adventures, play with toys and general pretend like nothing else existed outside of that fort.
What happened to that?
You grew up. The imaginative, open, shrek looking, E.T. smelling, popsicle licking, little booger caved in to the pencil pushing, jerk-off that is reading this now :)
Too harsh? maybe...
anyways...I ask you to consider how to get it back. Day in and day out you go to work, play the weekly groundhog day, go home and maybe get a moments breath before doing it again. But it doesn't have to be like that. You can be more than that. You can build your fort where you are the master of it's story.
I ask you to create a space. A ritual area where you can be more than what you thought...make it "bath time" at night...make it, "meditation time in the afternoon" make it so that in your home in the morning or evening, you can zone out and sit in your mind.
Talk to yourself, talk out loud, talk in random voices, practice a southern accent, in your mind create a show where you are a ballet dancer, pretend to be a juggler, laugh, laugh, laugh at yourself. Play in your imagination...
This is your clubhouse, this is your sheet and cardboard tent. Only in sitting with imagination and floating in your head will you be able to truly start finding a different level of connection to yourself and the world around you.
Start today!
Do not think you're "crazy" for talking to yourself..
Do not think you're not "doing it right"...
Do not think you're "above it"
DO think that Psych! is amazing (that's me)
DO think he is sexy...oh wait...
I meant..
Do think that you cannot do it enough...
DO think that it can make you feel more happy and complete
Do think that you have time for it
Do have fun!
Build the clubouse folks...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
144. No strings attached
"Let's talk about sex baby...let's talk about you and me...let's talk about all the good things...."
What is it with guys that like to play the field...like to play and not show too much affection? Or how about women that tend to cling, hold onto you and never let go? I'm not being sexist here...but instead setting you up to talk about...
DUM DUM DUM.....
Attachment Styles.....YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell is attachment style? It's simple...
SO the basics are that there are 3 attachment styles that we all tend to exhibit. How did this happen?...come on...you know how attachment styles are developed in adulthood....come on....
no?
that's right...blame yo' mama and daddy...
Basically you have three types of attachment: Secure, Anxious (insecure) and Anxious/secure (resistant)
This is how it breaks down:
------------------
BABY:
Secure attachment means that when you were a baby you were able to explore the living room set, turn around, see your mama, and always return to her psychologically knowing that she was there. When you kissed her, she kissed you back, when you showed her love, she gave it back. She was there to support you so you can explore, play and have trust that she will be there.
ADULT:
Secure attachment means that when you are with your partner, you can live your life, have outside friends, go out alone/with friends without (too much) jealousy, show affection in public, tell the world how wonderful you feel with your partner..etc
-------------------
Baby:
Anxious (insecure) attachment means that when you were a baby, you would walk away from your parent and as you walked away, you would turn around and she would not be where you left her. She may have walked away to the kitchen, so you have to go and find her. You may not have been kissed a lot, not given full attention and learned that you were "alone".
ADULT:
Anxious (insecure) attachment means that as an adult you will tend to play the field a lot. You will be used to playing out in the world, you will not show much affection to your partner, you may not want to hold hands in public or show that you are attached to someone. They may even go out and try to find many, many partners because they feel like they cannot count on their regular partner to be there for them.
-------------------
Baby:
Anxious/secure (resistant) attachment means that as a baby your mom was kinda/sorta there. You may have been trying to show your parent love but they may have been unsure how to show it back...you may have been showing affection and they did not give it in return but instead would run off to the phone when it rings. This taught you that when you give love, it may or may not be given in return. So you were taught that you can give lots of love...but as soon as she is gone...SHE IS FOREVER GONE and so you get angry
ADULT:
Anxious/secure (resistant) attachment means that you may show major, major love with your partner when you are together, but as soon as you two are away from another, he or she will act like you don't exist. Like in private he or she shows you love, but in public or at a party, they act like you don't exist. He or she may also be resistant, meaning he or she may be the type to kick you to the curb before you have the chance to kick them to the curb, even if everything is going well.
----------------------
The point of all this psychobabbo crap?
The point is that you must first learn the type of attachment that you are. What is your style of attachment. Don't lie to yourself. Don't. We all want to say that we are secure...
...but then when you think about it...you may end up wanting to always please the other by doing things for them and showing them how much you are worth...
...when in fact you may be doing those things because you're anxious (insecure) attachment and feel like if you don't do them...they will leave you.
Once you know your attachment style then think about the attachment style of your partner. Is she or he secure, anxious or secure/anxious. Once you can understand which they are...which you are ....then you can then work together to help strengthen your bond and connection.
If I know my girl is anxious I will do whatever I can to make her feel comfortable and secure in us
If I know my girl is secure and I'm anxious (insecure) I will work on telling myself that my girl will be there for me and so I need to relax because we are okay. Get it?
Own your attachment style...learn your parters...then screw :)
What is it with guys that like to play the field...like to play and not show too much affection? Or how about women that tend to cling, hold onto you and never let go? I'm not being sexist here...but instead setting you up to talk about...
DUM DUM DUM.....
Attachment Styles.....YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell is attachment style? It's simple...
SO the basics are that there are 3 attachment styles that we all tend to exhibit. How did this happen?...come on...you know how attachment styles are developed in adulthood....come on....
no?
that's right...blame yo' mama and daddy...
Basically you have three types of attachment: Secure, Anxious (insecure) and Anxious/secure (resistant)
This is how it breaks down:
------------------
BABY:
Secure attachment means that when you were a baby you were able to explore the living room set, turn around, see your mama, and always return to her psychologically knowing that she was there. When you kissed her, she kissed you back, when you showed her love, she gave it back. She was there to support you so you can explore, play and have trust that she will be there.
ADULT:
Secure attachment means that when you are with your partner, you can live your life, have outside friends, go out alone/with friends without (too much) jealousy, show affection in public, tell the world how wonderful you feel with your partner..etc
-------------------
Baby:
Anxious (insecure) attachment means that when you were a baby, you would walk away from your parent and as you walked away, you would turn around and she would not be where you left her. She may have walked away to the kitchen, so you have to go and find her. You may not have been kissed a lot, not given full attention and learned that you were "alone".
ADULT:
Anxious (insecure) attachment means that as an adult you will tend to play the field a lot. You will be used to playing out in the world, you will not show much affection to your partner, you may not want to hold hands in public or show that you are attached to someone. They may even go out and try to find many, many partners because they feel like they cannot count on their regular partner to be there for them.
-------------------
Baby:
Anxious/secure (resistant) attachment means that as a baby your mom was kinda/sorta there. You may have been trying to show your parent love but they may have been unsure how to show it back...you may have been showing affection and they did not give it in return but instead would run off to the phone when it rings. This taught you that when you give love, it may or may not be given in return. So you were taught that you can give lots of love...but as soon as she is gone...SHE IS FOREVER GONE and so you get angry
ADULT:
Anxious/secure (resistant) attachment means that you may show major, major love with your partner when you are together, but as soon as you two are away from another, he or she will act like you don't exist. Like in private he or she shows you love, but in public or at a party, they act like you don't exist. He or she may also be resistant, meaning he or she may be the type to kick you to the curb before you have the chance to kick them to the curb, even if everything is going well.
----------------------
The point of all this psychobabbo crap?
The point is that you must first learn the type of attachment that you are. What is your style of attachment. Don't lie to yourself. Don't. We all want to say that we are secure...
...but then when you think about it...you may end up wanting to always please the other by doing things for them and showing them how much you are worth...
...when in fact you may be doing those things because you're anxious (insecure) attachment and feel like if you don't do them...they will leave you.
Once you know your attachment style then think about the attachment style of your partner. Is she or he secure, anxious or secure/anxious. Once you can understand which they are...which you are ....then you can then work together to help strengthen your bond and connection.
If I know my girl is anxious I will do whatever I can to make her feel comfortable and secure in us
If I know my girl is secure and I'm anxious (insecure) I will work on telling myself that my girl will be there for me and so I need to relax because we are okay. Get it?
Own your attachment style...learn your parters...then screw :)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
143. Now what?
This is going to be a grade school blog. Get your chocolate milk out, start picking them boogers out of your nose, grab the nearest pig tails and settle down.
Taking responsibility.
I want to open up by talking about why responsibility is so hard. I believe that responsibility tends to be hard because it demands that you face your fear. WHAT!?!? that's right....it is hard because you have to come face to face with fear. YOu have to look fear in the eyes and say, "hey fear! screw you bitch!" well...maybe not like...but you get it :)
Let me tell you a story,
a while back ago I remember eating some nuts (OH GROW UP!).
Anyways, I was eating some nuts that I wasn't supposed to. I was told by my mom as I walked into the kitchen, "hey you are not allowed to eat those because they are for later and you already ate lunch." Did I listen? of course not. When she was washing dishes I ran right up to them and grabbed a hand full before running into the bathroom and hiding in the bathtub (I don't know why). So my mom comes to find me and when she found out that I ate the nuts I got it bad. Damn....
don't we all have stories like that?
But what this did was teach me that everytime I get caught...I get hurt. See how that worked? You got hurt when you got caught or when you took responsibility.
The difference now is that, most of you, are adults now. It's time to take responsiblity and face your fear. There are two things that need to be done when taking responsibility for something.
Number 1. Own up to whatever happened
Number 2. Acknowledge them and their feelings
Number 3. Do something about it
The difficulty is that many people don't do the second step. Many get "stuck" on the first one, call it the day and go have a beer. WRONG!
You must be willing to fess up, "Yes mom I did eat the nuts....I'm sorry" then "I know you told me not to...but I did it anyways and I'm sure that angered you" and finally, "Want me to go buy you new ones?" now granted as a child it's different but try and focus on your ability to use these three steps as an adult now...the honest truth is that you may not be able to...it's hard. You must face your fear.
Don't be scared anymore...if you eat the nuts...have the courage to grow a pair.
Taking responsibility.
I want to open up by talking about why responsibility is so hard. I believe that responsibility tends to be hard because it demands that you face your fear. WHAT!?!? that's right....it is hard because you have to come face to face with fear. YOu have to look fear in the eyes and say, "hey fear! screw you bitch!" well...maybe not like...but you get it :)
Let me tell you a story,
a while back ago I remember eating some nuts (OH GROW UP!).
Anyways, I was eating some nuts that I wasn't supposed to. I was told by my mom as I walked into the kitchen, "hey you are not allowed to eat those because they are for later and you already ate lunch." Did I listen? of course not. When she was washing dishes I ran right up to them and grabbed a hand full before running into the bathroom and hiding in the bathtub (I don't know why). So my mom comes to find me and when she found out that I ate the nuts I got it bad. Damn....
don't we all have stories like that?
But what this did was teach me that everytime I get caught...I get hurt. See how that worked? You got hurt when you got caught or when you took responsibility.
The difference now is that, most of you, are adults now. It's time to take responsiblity and face your fear. There are two things that need to be done when taking responsibility for something.
Number 1. Own up to whatever happened
Number 2. Acknowledge them and their feelings
Number 3. Do something about it
The difficulty is that many people don't do the second step. Many get "stuck" on the first one, call it the day and go have a beer. WRONG!
You must be willing to fess up, "Yes mom I did eat the nuts....I'm sorry" then "I know you told me not to...but I did it anyways and I'm sure that angered you" and finally, "Want me to go buy you new ones?" now granted as a child it's different but try and focus on your ability to use these three steps as an adult now...the honest truth is that you may not be able to...it's hard. You must face your fear.
Don't be scared anymore...if you eat the nuts...have the courage to grow a pair.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
142. Find your smile
So our brains are hardwired to remember pain more than pleasure. We will always remember the things that anger and hurt us more than the things that make us happy and smile. We are just hardwired that way...stupid brain and it's limbic system functioning...
Can you see what this has done to our minds and in turn society? We are all freakin' depressant roosters! I don't know why I said rooster..
anyways...we are dependent on our feelings of sadness..on our feelings of lost puppies...on being the last button on a fat man's shirt screaming and holding on for just a second more... Think about it...how many of you out there say something along the lines of:
"when I get my degree then my life will start..."
"all I have to do is get that new job and everything will be better..."
"I will be happy when I find my perfect partner..."
"if they just goes out with me then..."
"I just have to hold out until ....then all will be okay..."
the problem? when you get those things...you find that you say the exact same thing about the next thing!!!
You have to learn how to find your joy now...find your, as my friend John would say, "find your bright spot"
In order to be happy...find your happy. It could be something like singing in the shower, playing with your dog, eating a lollipop, digging into the cracker jack box to find a fake tattoo of a skull and cross bone that your friends then put on your forehead when you're drunk that one night....
what I'm saying is that you must LIVE in your moment of happiness throughout your day. It's a muscle! happiness like many other things is a psychic muscle...you have to use it...you have to work it out...stretch it like silly putty, do push ups on it, do squats and lunges on the bastard...find your daily *thing that makes you smile and open it up...make it breath and you'll find that you'll end up having more and more of those moments throughout your day and life....or use crack. kidding.
You must find things that make you smile...don't lie to yourself.
Lies are unfulfilled wishes....
You have to be willing to find what makes you smile daily and live in those moments...search for them...not a fake smile...not a moment that you have to force it...but things that brighten your day.
The more you do it...the happier you will be. Remember this as well...
beating the odds requires tolerating uncertainty.
The world is sad...the odds are against you...but you can be different...you can be happy!!! Live your day open and be willing to accept where you are and how things are...when you can do that...you are then open to where you will go and how new things will unfold. Find your smile today folks...find your smile.
Can you see what this has done to our minds and in turn society? We are all freakin' depressant roosters! I don't know why I said rooster..
anyways...we are dependent on our feelings of sadness..on our feelings of lost puppies...on being the last button on a fat man's shirt screaming and holding on for just a second more... Think about it...how many of you out there say something along the lines of:
"when I get my degree then my life will start..."
"all I have to do is get that new job and everything will be better..."
"I will be happy when I find my perfect partner..."
"if they just goes out with me then..."
"I just have to hold out until ....then all will be okay..."
the problem? when you get those things...you find that you say the exact same thing about the next thing!!!
You have to learn how to find your joy now...find your, as my friend John would say, "find your bright spot"
In order to be happy...find your happy. It could be something like singing in the shower, playing with your dog, eating a lollipop, digging into the cracker jack box to find a fake tattoo of a skull and cross bone that your friends then put on your forehead when you're drunk that one night....
what I'm saying is that you must LIVE in your moment of happiness throughout your day. It's a muscle! happiness like many other things is a psychic muscle...you have to use it...you have to work it out...stretch it like silly putty, do push ups on it, do squats and lunges on the bastard...find your daily *thing that makes you smile and open it up...make it breath and you'll find that you'll end up having more and more of those moments throughout your day and life....or use crack. kidding.
You must find things that make you smile...don't lie to yourself.
Lies are unfulfilled wishes....
You have to be willing to find what makes you smile daily and live in those moments...search for them...not a fake smile...not a moment that you have to force it...but things that brighten your day.
The more you do it...the happier you will be. Remember this as well...
beating the odds requires tolerating uncertainty.
The world is sad...the odds are against you...but you can be different...you can be happy!!! Live your day open and be willing to accept where you are and how things are...when you can do that...you are then open to where you will go and how new things will unfold. Find your smile today folks...find your smile.
141. She does it for me ;)
"My girl always does things for me like cook and clean and sometimes I don't know how to make it up to her. She will do my laundry and even iron my clothes in the morning. The thing is that I feel really bad that she does all of this stuff. I want her to stop doing so many things for me because it makes me feel uncomfortable. How can I feel better about this? and how can I get her to stop doing it so much?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!!?
HA! Does she have a sister? a cousin? how about a young grandma? been a long times since I've had some grandma action :)
Anyways...here's the thing...I wonder if you're feeling inadequate? not up to par with what she is doing? Perhaps you feel you don't deserve it? or deserve to be treated so well? There are a million possible questions that can be asked in return so it's important for you to keep your radar up.
You CANNOT make anyone do anything. SURPRISE! Sure I want the donut lady to add a bit of sprinkled meth on my donut for that extra kick (kidding!) but I can't force her to do it. That's not how it works. Perhaps that is who she is...perhaps who she is is a natural caretaker that believes in giving to others and "taking care of her man"
I can simply offer this advice. If you feel that bad about it...instead of making her stop, why not even the playing field? You can increase the things you do for her. You say that she cooks for you...I would instead get up earlier and make her a meal every so often, you say that she irons for you, I would say go out and buy her new lotion or body wash stuff, you say she does your laundry, then ask to stick a finger in .....well....that would be more for you....
what I'm saying is that instead of asking one person to change and stop, which you absolutely should try, try to even the playing field by doing things in return for her. Your relationship will thrive, your love will grow and your hearts will connect...
...then try the finger thing ;)
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!!?
HA! Does she have a sister? a cousin? how about a young grandma? been a long times since I've had some grandma action :)
Anyways...here's the thing...I wonder if you're feeling inadequate? not up to par with what she is doing? Perhaps you feel you don't deserve it? or deserve to be treated so well? There are a million possible questions that can be asked in return so it's important for you to keep your radar up.
You CANNOT make anyone do anything. SURPRISE! Sure I want the donut lady to add a bit of sprinkled meth on my donut for that extra kick (kidding!) but I can't force her to do it. That's not how it works. Perhaps that is who she is...perhaps who she is is a natural caretaker that believes in giving to others and "taking care of her man"
I can simply offer this advice. If you feel that bad about it...instead of making her stop, why not even the playing field? You can increase the things you do for her. You say that she cooks for you...I would instead get up earlier and make her a meal every so often, you say that she irons for you, I would say go out and buy her new lotion or body wash stuff, you say she does your laundry, then ask to stick a finger in .....well....that would be more for you....
what I'm saying is that instead of asking one person to change and stop, which you absolutely should try, try to even the playing field by doing things in return for her. Your relationship will thrive, your love will grow and your hearts will connect...
...then try the finger thing ;)
140. Carebear Power!
"How do I know that he cares?"
That was a hard one to pass up on. I opened up my blogger account and of the number of emails I got this one is that one that jumped out at me. hmm...
SO here's the things about caring. I often tell myself two "rules" that I try and live by when I think about it. Number 1 rule, "what do they do for me?" and number 2 rule, "what do they ask for in return?"
I think this is a simply math problem for all of us to follow. If someone says, "Hey andrew I want to take you out, stare you deep in the eye and grab your ass before trying to lay you...but then you have to leave in the morning" That probably means that they don't care about you.
The thing about care is that it requires that we are greedy in return. If they want something from us, it is our responsibility to ask for something in return. Now granted, it isn't always necessary to get something in return, but remember our abiliy to have an equal relationship means that they offer you something be it love, emotional support or hot sex on starbucks counters when the boss is away...
To know care you must be willing to give it back.
That was a hard one to pass up on. I opened up my blogger account and of the number of emails I got this one is that one that jumped out at me. hmm...
SO here's the things about caring. I often tell myself two "rules" that I try and live by when I think about it. Number 1 rule, "what do they do for me?" and number 2 rule, "what do they ask for in return?"
I think this is a simply math problem for all of us to follow. If someone says, "Hey andrew I want to take you out, stare you deep in the eye and grab your ass before trying to lay you...but then you have to leave in the morning" That probably means that they don't care about you.
The thing about care is that it requires that we are greedy in return. If they want something from us, it is our responsibility to ask for something in return. Now granted, it isn't always necessary to get something in return, but remember our abiliy to have an equal relationship means that they offer you something be it love, emotional support or hot sex on starbucks counters when the boss is away...
To know care you must be willing to give it back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)