258. New Year

Resolutions for the new year?  I don’t know.  I don’t think I believe in them because I don’t believe anything in me has to be resolved…only highlighted.  

Think of novels or books that you read.  Ever run across a line that for some reason just speaks to you?  Come across a sentence that  stands out to you...that you want to remember and hold?  You grab your pencil or highlighter and annotate it.  You make it brighter.  For whatever reason, within that entire page...that highlighted spot needed to be seen.  Too important to forget.  You connected to it.

Like pages in a book, I believe that we already have everything we need in our lives.  But the important stuff, the stuff that we connect to, is simply placed between the other sentences waiting for you to highlight them.

You see, the problem is that people get too caught up in what they can hold and measure…not what they can feel or build upon.  For example, they make resolutions to “get thin” when really, the answer is not “getting thin” but feeling good in your own skin.  They say, “I want to start a new career” but what they are saying is that they want to follow their passion.  They say, “I want to go on a grand vacation and save up for the house of my dreams” but what they are really saying is that they want their own time.  They want their own space.

This is important.  I believe that we get so caught up in the outside of things…in the extraneous sentences...in the things that we can measure and hold…that we miss out on what is important.  We get caught up in what we think will make us happy versus exploring what will make us feel happy…and that folks is a huge difference. 

This is why instead of resolutions, I’m focusing on highlighting.  I am highlighting what I already have...what is important.  I am making my already had gifts stand out and shine.  I am focusing not on losing my belly fat, but instead dropping the fat that suffocates who I am.  Focus not on money and tools to trick us into happy, but instead on generosity and appreciation.  You see, highlighting is a state of mind.  Highlighting is your ability to bring out the part of you that you already have.  Bringing out the part of you that you need to pay more attention to and use.

This year, consider all that you already have in your life.  Don’t get stuck on the fat of the book that has no meaning.  Really think about what you find valuable and in turn how you can bring it out.  Consider your supports, your ability to love, your gifts, your purpose, your emotions, all the things you have gained in this journey and highlight them.  Use them.  Throw them around.  Make dog ear folds...copy the sentence onto your soul...stamp the line...tear the fuckin' page out.  Make folds and bookmarks.  Make them stand out.  Make others see them.  Give and give and give. 

I promise that if you do this, everything will change.  Promise.

Happy New/Old You.

257. My place

My blog has been just that.  My blog.  A collection of things that I think about...thoughts that are too important for me to forget.  A place of reminders and reveries.  A reference of lessons that I want to hold on to- my own, others and no ones.

I imagine it like a cool jean or leather jacket that I sew patches onto from the random places I've been.  Random bands that I like at the time or tears and rips in seams from overuse and continued wear.  I put patches on top of patches, logos and sayings on top of one another.  I want more.

It is not meant to be a place for everyone to turn to or learn from (it may be a side effect though)...it is meant to journal me and my journey.  A digital jean jacket.  Those who visit and pick something up from it...drop something off for me to read or look at, are welcome to do so.  I welcome you to.  Paste things on it...take things off of it...all part of the journey.

I half ass a lot of things. But I can not half ass love. I’m either all in or all out. This can be a curse more than a gift when it comes to dating. I can’t just date to date, even though I feel like I need to since I’ve always been in long term relationships. Recently, I’ve come to terms with it. I like the way I love. I believe I’m good at it and I rarely say I’m “good” at anything. It’s not because I’m sensitive or went to therapy school. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect in relationships and I have my issues. The belief that I am a good lover is due to one thing and one thing only. I love without fear. It is a choice. A difficult one. I understand the risk. My heart’s been broken just like yours. I’ve been in a world of hurt. I’ve been confused. I’m been ambivalent. I’ve changed my mind. I’ve been left. But I have tasted fearless love. And once you’ve tasted that, you can’t go back to anything else. You can’t hit the kind of notes that love has to offer if you are afraid. Afraid of rejection, getting hurt, or being alone. If I choose to love you, I will love you harder than you have ever been loved. That is not a promise to you. That is a promise to me. Lukewarm love is not love. That’s a transition. Real love means attacking it like a starving dog with a bone. To love fully means jumping out of planes. Sometimes without a parachute. Love is not just about support, acceptance, and active listening. Love means holding someone’s soul with two hands, looking into one’s eyes and not seeing the future but only the present because nothing else fucking matters. That’s the kind of love I want. Or I would rather be alone. Am I crazy? Am I shooting too high? Do I need to be realistic? Or maybe you have forgotten what it means to love. Or feel like you don’t deserve it? Our hearts were not designed to love soft. If you’re going to love, love.  hard.

There is no other way.

255. Like candy

When you continue to have a friend with benefits after the relationship is over.

I believe this stems from fear.  It is a love hate relationship that you are having with them.  The reasons?  Many.  You left them for a reason and yet you continue to be intimate with them.  I think that people will do this because they are holding onto something that they cannot let go of.  What does the sex do for you?  Make you feel safe? Wanted?  Secure?  A replacement for something?  Or a bridge until the next relationship? 

The fact is that masturbation does the trick as well ya know?  That’s why I don’t think it’s just about getting off, there is something that you are gaining from it.  Something that they are filling in you figuratively (and I guess literally…ey yo!).

I got this metaphor from an intern.  She says it can be like eating sweets when on a diet.  We work out really hard and try to be good, but then we slip, eat the piece of chocolate and then immediately feel bad about it.  It’s not because we didn’t enjoy the chocolate, but more so because it does nothing for us but satisfy a craving in the moment.  We then head to the gym to try and work it off when all you had to do was not eat it in the first place. 

I believe that friends with benefits, after the relationship has ended, are the same way.  You break up with them because of some reason and yet you hold onto them in this way to help fill a need.  To help fill something in you.  Let go.  

-Family time.

254. Boundaries

Boundaries are important in our lives.  They help us separate, pull apart and stay whole.  In fact, being in this field, boundaries help keep us objective and untouched by others.  At psychology school we are told to keep distance and far enough as,"professional" distance, will help keep us apart from our patients.

The problem?  I believe that although we need to have these boundaries up, we build boundaries out of brick and mortar.  We build slabs of stone that protect so well that it actually bounces and suffocates us.  We get stuck in our secluded and hidden world, protected and "safe" from all things that try to affect us...clients, patients, family, friends, our true selves.  We hold our true selves hostage.  A trained terrorist, your ego holds the trigger against the temple of who you really are.  He makes demands against you, acts against you, and keeps all others out.

Your sense of needing to build boundaries and protect yourself has resulted in a domestic violent situation to which you have actively created and participate in.  This same wall is what keeps really good guys away from you...the wall that keeps great possible dates out of your life...the wall that repels and scares people.

Am I saying that you have to break down walls and let everyone in?  Well...kinda.  I'm not saying let all your stuff leak out and infect and take over others...I'm saying that instead of building walls out of brick and mortar, use chain link fence.

Chain link is permeable, flexible and climbable.  It separates but allows vision, openness and possibility.  I wrote awhile back about the use of paint buckets in relationships.  If you are the color blue and others are the color yellow....when you connect and meet them...you make green.  Something different and new between two things...creation of different...mixed.  Chain link allows the mixing of colors.  It allows the blending of who you are with others to create something different.  See the difference?  Walls stop.  Chain link breathes.

Breathe deep.

-Play date.

253. Jump

What is real vulnerability?  

Real vulnerability is when I can touch your core…your truth and have an effect on it.  When I can feel your energy as not separate from mine, but part of mine.  When you have handed yourself over to me only because you can feel me do the same.  When I can feel you drop weightless into me…willing to follow me into the depths of fire knowing that I will lead you back…or be trapped there forever with you.

It is a risk.  It is a blind jump with no guarantee that you will be caught.  No guarantee that you will not feel pain or be saved by the bungee chord.  It is a choice.  An action that requires more than being open, it requires demands courage.  It's scary and frightening but don't worry- it's supposed to be.  That's normal.

The real question is whether or not the person you chose to be vulnerable with...is worth it?  In the end,  ask yourself, "are they worth the pain?"

Whatever your answer is, let that help you decide to jump.

252. Men's Room

Men. 

Push past your own fear.  Push past what you feel holds you back from grabbing her hand.  Women can smell fear…it charges them and when you ask them to hold your fear and give you permission, they pull away.  They don’t want that.  They are not asking you to take control of them or the situation, they are asking you to take control of yourself.  Sit confident and aware of what you want.  Who you are.  No expectation.  When you can do this, she will respond, and she will respect you because she can sense that you respect yourself.

Pay respect to her.  Treat her as art. 

Have you traced the lines on her face.  The wrinkles? The smile lines? The bits that no one has ever noticed before?  Have you kissed the areas of her body that have only been touched by clothing?  How about took the time to breathe her in and enjoy the scent that is released from her skin?  Can you paint her body in the canvas of your mind without having to see her?

Loving is more than sweat and grinding.  It’s a painting.  It’s a process.  It’s an art.  She is the masterpiece.  Now they may shy away from it at first, question you and become embarrassed, but your job is push past that.  Make her feel like an art piece.  Priceless, deep and rich with meaning.  Stare at her softly, gaze into eyes, stroke her softly, but with intent.    This is not a one night stand.  Treat it like your last meal.  If I told you that you had one more night to be with her…ever…your mind would shift…you probably wouldn’t move to scarf her down…you would move to enjoy her and every part that she has.

Kiss parts of her face with care, focus on the experience of her skin on your lips and I promise she will feel it.  Hold her close and rub her back as you lightly tease her.  Play, respect, paint and repeat.

251. The Switch

I believe we all have this notion of who we are.  How we come off to people and do not take the time to consider where we are wrong.  Sure, some may be right, but in my experience…the curtains don’t match the drapes (I keep trying to use this metaphor and can’t get it to fit).  What we show to others is really different from who we are or feel we are.

What happens?  We end up keeping the same friends and falling into the same habits.  We end up making the same choices and falling into the same quick sand…we dig ourselves out only to ask the same questions.  Never considering and thinking about where we are jacking up.  We get comfortable and go through motions…resulting in that slippery slope where we are at the bottom trying to get out. 

Think of your habits!  Alcohol?  Unfair criticism?  The same type of date?  Biting nails?  One night stands? Not thinking?  Anger?  Abuse?

What do you do? 

Recognize where you are making the same choices.  That requires a constant and daily intention to focus on you.  It requires you to focus on the behavior that you keep doing.  It’s a process, not a switch.  It’s a constant attention to the decision you keep making.  This activity…this exercise… gets easier with time.  You are working out the muscle…you are putting it to use…your ability to recognize your bad choices.  The more times you work out the muscle…the stronger it gets…the more efficient it becomes and the easier it is to activate it.  Eventually, the process becomes a switch and it becomes as easy to turn off the action as it would be to turn off a light.  

250. Between the notes

Don't turn to blogs, books or friends as the instruction manual for life.  They are simply stars in the sky.  When you read something impactful...when you see something or understand the text and content of it, that is like looking at bright stars in the sky....the real magic occurs when you can start making constellations out of it.  When you start connecting the dots...when you pay attention and read the constellation then draw your own lines out of the spots that are already there.  How do you use those notes...how do you put them together to create music?

We can all learn to read and write music...we can all learn to read the stars...but the real trick is learning to read what happens between the notes...what lines and what sense can you create out of the flickering pieces of light.

249. Do not resist

Resistance occurs when we are set in a certain mindset, when we are static and concrete.  Not in motion.  Anything that is new or challenging, anything that can hurt us or take away our sense of balance...we shy away from.  It's natural.  We protect ourselves.  

This static, protected mode results in, "I never get surprised anymore."  

Do yourself a favor and give in.  Be afraid, be aware, be willing to fall and look ridiculous.  Be willing to scrape a knee and look funny.  This results in stomping out resistance and fear.  It builds bright spots in your life and makes for amazing stories.  This is how you date fear.  How you ride her.  How she rides you.  

Today, do not shy away from things that scare or that you feel resistant to.  Today, date it.

-I do not like taking pictures.  I think that's why I did this.  

Today I will go against resistance.  I will stretch my growth muscle and not be afraid.  I will be open to the outcome and the emotional stuff that comes with it.  

The difference between a blog and facebook?

On facebook, you are advertising to them...you are putting up a billboard for everyone to read.  You are yelling for others to hear your thoughts.  You feel good when you put up a clever thought and someone likes or responds.  You feed off it.  Many...depend on it.  They spend their days checking facebook updates 50 million times a day.

On a blog, they choose to visit you...you are a hiking trail that people have to find.  You are walking a path and if you meet others on that road...they chose to take it.  You don't know if they read it...there is no like button.  It is a digital trail that people will chose to visit and walk along every so often.  For those of you who continue to walk the trail...visit and read.  Thank you.

Blog over facebook.  FTW.

248. Wrong question

People often ask the wrong questions.  They come to friends, family and alcohol wanting to know where they messed up....jacked up...why it didn't work out.

They walk into the room wanting to be beat up with that answer.  Wanting to feel the pain of it.  They look for it.  Criticism is crack.  It brings a sick high that we grow addicted to.  They crave the criticism...this is their coping mechanism...they are used to making a mistake and someone saying, "oh, yeah...that's where you fucked up."  People have been trained to think that way.  Molded this way.

The problem with this is that...well...that's the wrong fucking question.  This is what separates friends from therapists.  Therapists don't make a living out of slinging mud at you, they teach you how to get dirty over and over again and instead of sitting in it, how to make castles out of it.  They don't have the right answer, they just ask you better questions.

Instead of moving to find criticism in what happened, waiting to hit yourself with something.  You need to find the meaning in the bigger picture of it.  Understand the underlying reason, the deeper connection to who you are.  Build an understanding of your own beliefs and values.  Accept your story.  Embrace who you are.  Find your core and know that you are always in progress.  Always in growth.  Fall to kindness and offer positivity to yourself.  Offer belief and care.  Ask the right questions, reflect and breathe.

247. Wi-fi

I believe that we carry a natural energy with us.  An energy that people can feel when we are around them....yes I know that it comes from a variety of factors like body language, tone, volume, etc...but I also believe that we have the ability to project and send it out there for all to feel.

Think of a first date...you can feel that awkward energy...that "unsure" energy.  How about that first kiss...how about when you look into the eyes of a baby and you can feel them looking back at you?  There are moments when I can be sat in a room and a co-worker walks in and I can just feel how sad or angry they are.  HA! I think many men KNOW when their woman is not happy.  They can certainly feel that.

Anyways, I like to imagine this energy like a wi-fi point.  Yup...here goes the weird metaphor example.  In my house I have a router that projects the internet all around...I can walk in and although I can't feel it, my computer and iPad and such can.  They can pick up on the energy and be part of it.

I believe that when we own our energies, when we look for the way we project it, the way that we give it out, the way that we fill rooms...people will feel it.  People will want to be around it.  They will want to be around you.

What do you project?  what type of energy do you give off?  Warm? Fun? Sexy?

Take an inventory.  Ask friends, co-workers, neighbors.  Ask them how it feels when you walk into a room.  Whatever they say, reflect and consider it.  If you want a different one, work on one.  Build one...when my internet at home doesn't work...I unplug it, wait ten seconds and try it again.

This works the same with energy.  Unplug yourself, wait ten seconds and try again.

246. A quickie

Just a quick blog on my phone before I forget...


We connected today.

It didn't take long to hear her voice and immediately feel like we had been friends for years.  Being connected is more than checking out her rack...more than looking for the abs under his shirt...it's about sharing space, being you and knowing that you are accepted.  Not by them...but by you.

When we feel connected, we are feeling most at ease with who we are.  We feel under control, relaxed and whole.  We are enjoying friendly banter, we are sharing stories and emotions, thoughts and beliefs. We are spicing it up with inappropriate jokes and catching each others eyes long enough to linger in the moment.  Connection occurs when you feel most like you....and in that feeling of being you, being comfortable with sharing who you are with another.  Your stories, your fears, your values and thoughts.  This is what separates your friends from strangers.  With friends we are connected...we are accepted...the mask drops...I connect.  I let myself breathe in the moment of being with them.

Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They’re the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They’re usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they’re a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can’t trust a man who’s afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It’s damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he’s heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl.

~James Arthur Crumley (October 12, 1939 – September 17, 2008)
The Wrong Case (1975)

-When you work out, usually you take a day or two to rest so that your body can heal up.  It's healthy.

This goes the same for the mind.

Call this my rest day.


Happy Festivus.  


Thanks to mags and family last night.  Great airing of grievances and feats of strength.

245. List

I see it and cannot think of any response.  I have no words or thoughts to give.  Raw.

Where the hell did this come from?



"Gosh I miss her.  She smiled so widely and held a warmth around me that I couldn't forget.  I felt so attracted and drawn to her.  She smelled so soft and eased.  Peaceful.  How can she smell peaceful?  Perhaps it wasn't that she smelled peaceful but that I felt peaceful around her.  I wanted to protect her and wanted to hold her close, near, tight.  Engulf and be one with her.  She wanted to do the same to me.  She reminded me of what happy could feel like, she was the silver lining, she was always the umbrella whenever it rained.

but boy was she damaged.  LOL.  She was broken just like me, but not like me.  She could take pain though, courageous little one.  Really, really strong.  She would get hurt and still keep going, she could take a punch and smile back at you all at the same time.

Ever had that?  you know, when you just are with them and all the world can just stop for a moment.  Where all that matters is her holding your hand, kissing you.  I would sit on the couch and she would lie on me, sprawl out and make me a pillow.  I was happy for that.  I wanted that.  I wanted to bring her comfort and ease and I wanted to give to her what she gave to me.  Man, what the hell is going on with me.  A transformation like you say, I think I'm just so very lonely too, but how can it be so hard to keep her?  Will she always be the one that got away?  the one that I will always go to in my memory.  The one that will play in the fantasy of my mind.  She will always be the dancer in my dreams, the muse to my music, the breath as you say.

Even now, I cannot help but fantasize about her hair, how it bounced and flowed, how the wind would dance through it and when I was in the right angle, could smell her floating on the breeze.  Holy shit, I can't help but remember all the times we had moments of connection, where what I was thinking floated from her mouth and how her thoughts would be spoken by me at that very moment she wanted to hear them.  We were connected.  More than connected, we were meant.  I didn't have to tell her anything because my energy and life was hers.  In being with her, in just sharing moments was I able to tell her more about me than any words could describe because in those moments, I chose to give my life to her.  In sitting with her and no one else, she had all of me.  All parts.  Any question answered and often with a similar answer, because in her presence, for me, all was good.  The world was simply an obstacle that we could jump over together- carried, pulled or pushed.

But in saying that, if we were meant, why didn't it work?  The simple answer is that I don't know.  I do not know.

I have read so many books, written so many journals, leant an ear to so many people and seen countless movies with life experiences to fill volumes and I have no fucking clue.  No fucking idea.

is that the point psych?  is that the point?"

243. Chip away

Yesterday I got chipped away a bit.  In fact, I think parts of me were just straight broken off.  I was broken.  sigh.  A sledgehammer doesn't quite capture what I was hit with.

I can't help but imagine all of us as giant slabs of stone.  Huge mammoth sized blocks that get chipped away daily.  Sometimes it's with a wrecking ball, sometimes it's with a fine pointed chisel.  But the point is that every single day, bits and pieces of you are getting broken...shattered...dug into...scarred.

This is a painful process.  It is a process that will not often end with smiles...will not end with laughs...in fact, don't be surprised to know that tears will be shed in the process.  Aches and pains that every time will leave chisel marks on your heart.

But that's the point right?  The point is to continue being broken down...worked on...you are meant to be broken down...raw and hard.  You are all art.  Slabs of stone that with every experience, every painful tear or ache, will only get you that much closer to the beautiful product underneath.

Ride out the pain...ride out the chipping...know that it will hurt at times and that every strike will bring you closer to you...count and expect them all....even the little ones.

-Find time. Make time. Create time.