9. Our Stories

I challenge and lament those to whom my story doesn't matter; those that look me in the eyes with the inability to see past their own insecurities- into someone with strength beyond their own apparent norms. We need stories, unquestionable paradigms for behavior and history when everything else about us – our appearance, or language, our preferences -- are subject to definition by anyone that looks at us. This statement exudes and expresses exact emotion of what it is to wholeheartedly and unfalteringly know your own personal experiences of life- only to be shattered into broken pieces of disbelief and doubt. I feel the signature essence of my point is based on "masks" that we all put out in an attempt to embellish, rebuild, or promote who we are. In other words, our simple ability to lie in order to come off in a particular light (positive/negative in some cases) or favored opinion, if you will.
I can understand the perspective of many, stories of resiliency, buoyancy in the face of oppression is of itself a noble tale. Yet I'm pulled away, unforgiving when it's presented in a different way that it didn't have to be. An individual's ability to change their situation by hard work and motivation is in its own right amazing. Yet for some reason, many are unable to accept the simple explanation of hard work leading to success and in turn fabricating a story that is different and untrue. Again speaking from opinion, I constantly find many people that cannot believe that I have lived the life that I have; orphaned, abused, suicide, street life, college degree, war. I can see how it is unbelievable and why it wouldn't seem to connect with many. I acknowledge it is not necessary for them to believe me either, but this doubt does not prompt me to change who I am or how I tell the story. In theory I could retell my story omitting many things that would make it more believable, but why? What would I gain from it? Perhaps it is based in my confident yet uncaring outlook, or maybe my unfaltering belief that who I am should never be changed. Whatever the reasoning, I will not falter or yield to disbelievers; instead I will walk side by side with those that will accept or at least humor my story unchanged. As opposed to those that require an abridged version, dropping the pain and soul of it's resiliency in exchange for flowers and butterflies that helps the listening better relate and understand it.
Still I'm pulled towards an understanding. Is it a relation reasoning? Is it because many feel no one would relate to a person working hard for success? My understanding is that because no one could feel what the struggle was (for each person), they have to build a tale of success beyond normal means based in a person's ability to be true to their word. With that, I question why? Working hard to succeed is something that everyone does and strives for in life, what better way to tell your story because it relates to everyone that would hear it. Or maybe, inherently- our ability to stand out from the norm is the intention. Our simple spin on the truth, our "version" allows the tale to be expressively, and for the time, be completely unique. That is it, why file in with the traditional belief when one can stand above all accepted stereotypes and be different.

Yet I still will say without question, those that work hard (with or without a stupid college degree- because it doesn't matter if you have a piece of paper, because shite I have two) will in the end triumph above any odds. Cold, bleeding, broken and tired...you will succeed and I challenge you to tell the story as it is...unchanged and unfaltered tell your story of hard work without lying or embelishment...be true to what you've worked for your entire life.

and if no ones believes you or looks down on you for that story...fuck 'em!

8. Life

How was it said, ...true love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another...poetic, almost too easy of a definition. Why are we here? what experience do we absolutely need to experience? perhaps my innate and recent need to question life itself is too much of a discerning nature with too little accord in corporeal actions. Never answering my inquiries, I admit defeat...I admit not having ideas of what kind of answer would suffice...
Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous man secretly clings to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. If we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we crrently refer to as destiny.
Find answers on your way to where you are going.

7. True Feelings?

Truly, why is it soo freakin difficult to feel true feelings? Almost benign, intently cold and in a way, ornately broken. Why are women so difficult to understand, why are women so hard.
I can sit for hours listening to music allowing my mind to fly and simply float off into an odd abyss, unbroken and enwreathed, my inner minds-thoughts float out of me and into the dialog bubble above my head- I sigh unwilling to accept the moments in a day and more so, to hear out any words of positivity and happiness and why? Almost insane, I walk to a non-existent percussion that beats in my body and takes life as it is dealt to me- pissed, enraged, tortured, scarred and indeed ravaged, I scream at my heart to turn cold and thus be impenetrable- yet fighting an unending story- it refuses to save feeling in exchange for face. Although it fights to be aesthetically and emotionally pleasing (almost oxymoronic) it instead trades its own sanity for the sake of another...such shit

6. 20's

Where does the comtemplation come from? Isn't it ironic to note how many times we have all heard, "these are the best years of your life?"...high school (no bills, no worries and of course the lack of true responsibility)...granted. Then we're told this again in college; no curfew, seemingly on our own, and without surpervision. Yet then we stand on our own after college with little to no direction, random bills and of course the impending danger of bankrupcy. Now given, physique is beyond measure in comparisson to anything I may ever have again, nor will I ever have the priviledges of all night partying, liver-less drinking or random dating. Yet, this entire timeline is more than that...this moment is the crystalous of a caterpiller into the darkness. What do you mean? We get out of school..or the "teens" with hardly a sense of who we are...hardly an idea of what it is to truly be on our own and step up to bat. What profession do we want...and in turn...why do we end up doing jobs that may provide for the time being but truly lack in what we REALLY want to do?
Consider those that want to be doctors...because they are unable to make it into med school they consider jobs as researchers to help them feel somehow connected to being a doctor and always have thoughts of could've been with some random reason why they aren't. Not to downsell on these individuals but instead to exemplify possible mindsets. I also speak to those whose parents expect certain "great" things of their children. There exist students who chose and actively told the world that they would be a lawyer for instance- yet when unable to make it into any law school or compete at that level, they create an acceptable reason why not and to fight embarassment tell the world that eventually they are but are taking a break or some other reason....good or bad? Of course taking into consideration those that simply go to college because everyone expects them to, or more so that's all they knew to do. The push in high school to go to college was so great that's all we knew, "I have to go to college, because that's what next right?"...and when graduating lack a true sense of what they want to do in life but instead "fall into" different careers...sales, insurance....etc.
Instead we find ourselves continually trying to find an answer to what we want when we don't really know what we want. I'm sure we all think these same things...they tend to catch you at all times of the day...especially when you least expect it...that morning commute, while at your work or even during mundane tasks as writing up a simply email. It happens to us all and in fact, it's interesting to note how we all think the same things but hardly ever verbalize it. In turn, where do we go? Are we all just simply predestined to follow in the steps of previous generations? and in fact, to delve deeper into the point, are we then subjected to pass on the same words to younger generations?..."these are the best times of your life..." because are they really?

6. So Tired

you know, i'm just so freakin' tired. we are all at one point pulled into a situations of create or dissipate, make or break, surge or flee decisions. We are forced, almost rhythmically, into points in our life when it demands your soul's essence, it demands every bit of energy and every ounce of whatever you have in you, it demands actions and even your own sense of reality. It squeezes any grasp that you think you have on what is happening around you, any sense of comfort and like a balloon, pierces it while you try and patch up the hole- and in fact, reminds you that you are perceptibly along for the ride, that you are the ant in it's glass farm, trying not to get lost. We are tangible, to an extent- puppets, led into decisions right or wrong and forced to choose our path. requisite or indecorous, pissed or serene, we are enslaved to it's rules, it's boundaries and ultimately it's determination, karma or kismit if you will. It charges and thrusts you so far before you are expected to step up, before you have to pull out those little drops of whatever is in you, that last breath, that last strand of strength and simply stick your finger out and say "fuck you world, I will not bend over..." That's the change, that's the outcome, it's up to us in effect to decide how much we want to take, how much we will be contrained to. be the balloon, say fuck it and slowly deflate until there's nothing left? blow it all and let the hole burst your being? or patch it up and carry on...i'll tell you what though, eventually, all those patches will add up...and no pin will penetrate what's inside...
In life it doesn't matter how hard you push back, or how hard you fight...all that matters is how much you can get pushed and still move forward..tired, bruised and all...how much will you take and still keep moving forward.

5. Hot or Not?

Allow this to stand as a simple yet fun little experiment help me with my research people! Based of course on opinion- what is a females basic physical attraction to different body types...granted...this isn't a numbers game or a drawn out survey...simply a question of what women find desireable in body type and what men think women find sexy in a body type.
According to Science
A sexually attractive visual appearance in humans generally involves:
a general body shape and appearance sanctioned by the local culture
a lack of visible disease or deformity
a high degree of mirror symmetrybetween the left and right sides of the body, particularly of the face.
pleasing bodily posture
Hence, it is typical for a plastic surgeon to correct a perceived error of proportion (rhinoplasty- a nose job, breast augmentation, penis enlargement, pec implants...)Thus, the market for plastic surgery.
here are the basic body types...I would like to STRESS the word BASIC...i'm being imprecise for that same reason. Making generalizations are okay every so often peeps!
THE LINE UP!
1. Average guy body : What I mean by this is usually what we see everyday (unless you work for a fashion magazine) that one guy who cashiers at your neighborhood store...somewhat slender...size 32-36 waistline...no huge noticeable muscle definition with some stomach padding. Just look at my pictures on my myspace.
2. Slender with some definition (swimmers body)http://i.realone.com/assets/rn/cms/2004/large/Michael_Phelps_-_rs_964965_People_of_the_Year_-_lg.6765208.jpg : now in this case he is an olympian but is thin (nonetheless muscular) and not too strong (lifting weights) compared to the others
3. More definition and a bit stronger (lifting weights)http://www.nccu.edu/campus/athletics/jstfpr03.jpg : now with him he is much more defined and is "most likely" stronger (lifting weights) because his sport demands it...make sense everyone?
4. Big and strong (lifting weights)http://www.toccionline.com/creations/photofun/therock.jpg : now the rock is strong (lifting weights) but is not as defined or probably have as high endurance because his sport doesn't require it.
5. Huge and strong (lifting weights) http://www.nasa.gov/images/content/103727main_bodybuilder.jpg : it goes without saying that he is strong (lifting weights) but i'm sure he does not have as high endurance (in running for example) as some of the others. High definition and large body mass...because his sport demands it.
6. Pudgy guy (someone like the sandlot kid) http://videodetective.com/photos/767/032243_45.jpg : he is chunky and lack a lot of defined muscle mass.
So in the end
women...what is more attractive to you? Don't take sport into consideration...this is sadly a purely aesthetic question....based on looks.
men...what do we think women will tend to go for? what is our perception that women like the most?...based on looks
make your choice by commenting on it and putting your selected number. You don't have to say why you chose it but it'll be interesting to hear why...it doesn't have to be too serious
e.g. "#6 because there is more to love"
Disclaimer: It doesn't mean you only go for this...it doesn't mean you only like these guys...i'm just interested in what is eye pleasing for women. It'll be interesting to see what each other think. Please keep in mind that we also have to take into consideration the fast twitch and slow twitch muscles and compare those to the sports that each do. Also, I understand there exist different definitions of strong and different definitions of measurement...don't read into it. I can recognize this and I can also recognize that i'm being general..so don't get upset...just tell me what you think.

4. Songs

"In you a star is born andYou cut a perfect form andSomeone forever warm"
"Pride can stand a thousand trials,the strong will never fallBut watching stars without you,my soul cried."
"If you're looking for an open book Look no further, I am yours...So come outside and walk with me We'll try each other on to see if we fit And with our roots, become a tree To shade what we make, under it "
"How many times have you told me you love her As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth How long have I stood here beside you I live through you You looked through meOoh, Can't you seeAll along it was me How can you be so blind As to see right through me"
"You turn my head when you turn around You turn the whole world upside down I'm smitten I'm bitten I'm hooked I'm cooked I'm stuck like glue You make me Make me hungry for you
"so sorry whisper all nightI lay here deep in silent plightmy head consumes the lighttoo much thought my life's evolvingI wish that I could buyanother world that's all grown upinherit sleepless criesI'd rather kill the tormentkill the torment"
"Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking As we moved together in the dark And all the friends that i was telling And all the playful misspellings And every bite i gave you left a mark"
"My biggest fear will be the rescue of me Strange how it turns out that way Could you show me dear...something I've not seen? Something infinitely interesting...There's something about the way you move I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing"
"You're too important for anyone You play the role of all you long to be But I, I know who you really are You're the one who cries when you're alone...You think that I can't see right through your eyes Scared to death to face reality No one seems to hear your hidden cries You're left to face yourself alone"
"I sleep with one eye open so I can see you breathing (I sleep with one eye open) I follow your chest home Until I, (so I can see you breathing) I can see you, I can hear you breathe in exhale...you are the song I know"
"You'll be loved you'll be loved Like you never have known The memories of me Will seem more like bad dreams...You may feel alone when you're falling asleep And everytime tears roll down your cheeks But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet..someday you will be loved"

We can understand all that surrounds us

Because all the choices we make in our lives stem from our perceptions, we are, in effect, the focus of our universe...Every moment of the day, we have perceptions that evolve out of our experiences and influence all aspects of our lives. Understanding ourselves, our relationships, and our partners depends on our awareness and acceptance of these subjective perceptions. Only by understanding people's perceptions of reality can we fully appreciate them and the ways in which they direct and organize their lives.
Only then can we become part of the person's reality and in turn move from a shadow puppet hiding behind white sheets, to a fitting piece of their puzzled existance able to feel and understand what makes them, uniquely strong.
Be part of a person...not conditionally seeing them from the outside, in.