245. List

I see it and cannot think of any response.  I have no words or thoughts to give.  Raw.

Where the hell did this come from?



"Gosh I miss her.  She smiled so widely and held a warmth around me that I couldn't forget.  I felt so attracted and drawn to her.  She smelled so soft and eased.  Peaceful.  How can she smell peaceful?  Perhaps it wasn't that she smelled peaceful but that I felt peaceful around her.  I wanted to protect her and wanted to hold her close, near, tight.  Engulf and be one with her.  She wanted to do the same to me.  She reminded me of what happy could feel like, she was the silver lining, she was always the umbrella whenever it rained.

but boy was she damaged.  LOL.  She was broken just like me, but not like me.  She could take pain though, courageous little one.  Really, really strong.  She would get hurt and still keep going, she could take a punch and smile back at you all at the same time.

Ever had that?  you know, when you just are with them and all the world can just stop for a moment.  Where all that matters is her holding your hand, kissing you.  I would sit on the couch and she would lie on me, sprawl out and make me a pillow.  I was happy for that.  I wanted that.  I wanted to bring her comfort and ease and I wanted to give to her what she gave to me.  Man, what the hell is going on with me.  A transformation like you say, I think I'm just so very lonely too, but how can it be so hard to keep her?  Will she always be the one that got away?  the one that I will always go to in my memory.  The one that will play in the fantasy of my mind.  She will always be the dancer in my dreams, the muse to my music, the breath as you say.

Even now, I cannot help but fantasize about her hair, how it bounced and flowed, how the wind would dance through it and when I was in the right angle, could smell her floating on the breeze.  Holy shit, I can't help but remember all the times we had moments of connection, where what I was thinking floated from her mouth and how her thoughts would be spoken by me at that very moment she wanted to hear them.  We were connected.  More than connected, we were meant.  I didn't have to tell her anything because my energy and life was hers.  In being with her, in just sharing moments was I able to tell her more about me than any words could describe because in those moments, I chose to give my life to her.  In sitting with her and no one else, she had all of me.  All parts.  Any question answered and often with a similar answer, because in her presence, for me, all was good.  The world was simply an obstacle that we could jump over together- carried, pulled or pushed.

But in saying that, if we were meant, why didn't it work?  The simple answer is that I don't know.  I do not know.

I have read so many books, written so many journals, leant an ear to so many people and seen countless movies with life experiences to fill volumes and I have no fucking clue.  No fucking idea.

is that the point psych?  is that the point?"