144. No strings attached

"Let's talk about sex baby...let's talk about you and me...let's talk about all the good things...."

What is it with guys that like to play the field...like to play and not show too much affection? Or how about women that tend to cling, hold onto you and never let go? I'm not being sexist here...but instead setting you up to talk about...

DUM DUM DUM.....

Attachment Styles.....YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is attachment style? It's simple...

SO the basics are that there are 3 attachment styles that we all tend to exhibit. How did this happen?...come on...you know how attachment styles are developed in adulthood....come on....

no?

that's right...blame yo' mama and daddy...

Basically you have three types of attachment: Secure, Anxious (insecure) and Anxious/secure (resistant)

This is how it breaks down:

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BABY:
Secure attachment means that when you were a baby you were able to explore the living room set, turn around, see your mama, and always return to her psychologically knowing that she was there. When you kissed her, she kissed you back, when you showed her love, she gave it back. She was there to support you so you can explore, play and have trust that she will be there.

ADULT:
Secure attachment means that when you are with your partner, you can live your life, have outside friends, go out alone/with friends without (too much) jealousy, show affection in public, tell the world how wonderful you feel with your partner..etc
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Baby:
Anxious (insecure) attachment means that when you were a baby, you would walk away from your parent and as you walked away, you would turn around and she would not be where you left her. She may have walked away to the kitchen, so you have to go and find her. You may not have been kissed a lot, not given full attention and learned that you were "alone".

ADULT:
Anxious (insecure) attachment means that as an adult you will tend to play the field a lot. You will be used to playing out in the world, you will not show much affection to your partner, you may not want to hold hands in public or show that you are attached to someone. They may even go out and try to find many, many partners because they feel like they cannot count on their regular partner to be there for them.
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Baby:
Anxious/secure (resistant) attachment means that as a baby your mom was kinda/sorta there. You may have been trying to show your parent love but they may have been unsure how to show it back...you may have been showing affection and they did not give it in return but instead would run off to the phone when it rings. This taught you that when you give love, it may or may not be given in return. So you were taught that you can give lots of love...but as soon as she is gone...SHE IS FOREVER GONE and so you get angry

ADULT:
Anxious/secure (resistant) attachment means that you may show major, major love with your partner when you are together, but as soon as you two are away from another, he or she will act like you don't exist. Like in private he or she shows you love, but in public or at a party, they act like you don't exist. He or she may also be resistant, meaning he or she may be the type to kick you to the curb before you have the chance to kick them to the curb, even if everything is going well.
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The point of all this psychobabbo crap?

The point is that you must first learn the type of attachment that you are. What is your style of attachment. Don't lie to yourself. Don't. We all want to say that we are secure...

...but then when you think about it...you may end up wanting to always please the other by doing things for them and showing them how much you are worth...

...when in fact you may be doing those things because you're anxious (insecure) attachment and feel like if you don't do them...they will leave you.

Once you know your attachment style then think about the attachment style of your partner. Is she or he secure, anxious or secure/anxious. Once you can understand which they are...which you are ....then you can then work together to help strengthen your bond and connection.

If I know my girl is anxious I will do whatever I can to make her feel comfortable and secure in us

If I know my girl is secure and I'm anxious (insecure) I will work on telling myself that my girl will be there for me and so I need to relax because we are okay. Get it?

Own your attachment style...learn your parters...then screw :)