She tells me, "I don't feel a click"
What the hell does that mean? It means that I wasn't attractive enough right? It means that I didn't make her laugh enough? Maybe I'm too freakin serious for her? I treated her as a patient? Oh I know, I don't make enough money. yeah...that's it...not enough money.
Sound familiar? Any of you who have been on dates probably have had this conversation go on in your head. You hear the dreaded line "I don't feel a click..." or "I want to date some more..."
What happens? We jump immediately to trying to question who we are. Where we went wrong and what we could've done to be better....to make it work. I'm here to tell you that that action is normal.
But.....
I'm also here to tell you that when you do that...you drop your own value. You question your gifts and uniqueness in exchange for what you think they wanted. That is unfair...and an example of personal character assassination. You just slit your own throat. Great job. Congrats. You've died just because someone didn't want to continue talking to you or having you spend money on them. Great. Your blood is running all over the floor, the rats are starting to scatter around while the flies gather round...good...great. Yeah...you've killed yourself...feel nice? yeah. You get it.
:)
But why do we do this? we do this for a variety of reasons and I will not name all of them but I will list a few...
1. You based your worth and who you are on the opinion of someone else that you don't know. Please remember they are just as jacked up as you are and therefore, so is their opinion. You went running after their approval and when you do that...you set yourself up to fall.
2. You turned into a fortune teller somewhere in the beginning (of the date, of the email, of whatever) and when things didn't turn out the ways you "fore told" they would...it jacked you up. You lost that fantasy of who you thought you two would become.
3. You've identified too much with thinking that you'll never find anyone. Burn out. You've been on so many dates that it is now exhausting, repetitive and boring. What happens when we reach this mode? We turn desperate...and in desperation we then compromise our values and worth in an attempt to find someone...our voice becomes theirs on our dates...their likes are suddenly outs....we try to fit what they want...but when it doesn't work out or they don't call us...we feel even WORSE because we again have no one...ANNNND we've compromised our foundation...our values and core for nothing.
So what the hell do you do?
...masturbation works right? Kidding. Kinda :-/
Anyways...what you have to do is learn to go into dates without intention. Go into dates trying to hear stories and memories. Don't think of it as romance...think of it as another chance to meet someone. Be open and listen. Ask to hear her memories, her thoughts and what makes her smile. Ask to know who she is when no one is watching and try to be a friend...not a date.
When you do this, there are not expectations to be held...there are no thoughts or beliefs to be shattered...there are only two people trying to get to know one another and listening to stories. A holding of space between two random people. Open and relaxed. If it doesn't work out...it doesn't work out...because you went in open to whatever outcomes...not to only one outcome. That is the strength to being open, however it works out is okay. Friendship, love, a meeting of souls for one hour...whatever....the point is you were open. Un-intended.
Oh...and if it does work out...yeah....
You're welcome.
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