I think we've all been guilty of it before. We see our exes whether online...in the street...at the market and with them...the "new" guy. You know what I'm talking about...you see a picture of them with some new person on facebook and automatically your head starts firing.
"who is he?"
"is that the new girl?"
"Is he hotter than me?"
"How long has this been going on..."
All of a sudden you feel small. You feel this pinge of pain, or something, that reminds you of what you two had together. Your head goes to crisis mode as you start questioning what about them makes them "better" than you and what you two had. Then you start getting desperate...thinking of ways to get them back...you move from independent and free to then seeking and chasing after them.
You move into psychological and mental stalking...reliving and sulking in the moments that you two had. It hurts. The pain is more than a scrape...many times you may feel betrayed, small, not good enough, less than and sad.
This is wrong. This occurs because you are putting them onto a pedestal. You are feeling bad because maybe they moved on and you didn't...they took the next step and you haven't. They have let the shore go, traveling into the unknown and you're too busy looking at their empty dock.
This occurs when you are stuck. When you haven't mounted up...taken the step to push forward and see past them. When you create your world that looks only like them...of course the world doesn't look or smell the same when they are gone. You have overidentified with what it was to be with them and part of them. You have spent so much energy in loving them and being connected to them that you can't find or see you anymore. They fell for you for some reason and somewhere in the relationship you forgot who that person was. So because you forgot who you were without them, you end up feeling like you NEED them in order to be you. Fuck that!
What do you do?
You date you.
Ohhhhh yes. You get greedy. You get jealous of you. You get stuck on you. Dance classes? Cooking classes? Hobby? all of them. It comes down to being in love with you. Taking the time to rediscover who you are.
I believe that's the problem with rebounds. We confuse things. When we break up with someone we are quick to want to fill that hole of the "other" person that we can surround ourself with. Instead, the challenge should be to fill in the hole that they left...with us. With who we are that was taken when they left.
1. Know that you have to date you.
2. Grow balls- that means you have to get on it. Want to take a class? go sign up right now. Go! Do not delay it. Just do it. Want to make new friends...go out tonight. Go!
3. Stick it out- it will not be easy to forget or move on from them...anyone that makes an impact on our life will always leave a sticky residue that's hard to scrape off. Stick it out and continue pushing.
4. Reflect- do not forget about the relationship, it's important, you need to reflect on who you were in it. Consider your behaviors and what compromises you made with yourself in order to have the relationship.
5. Forgive- I don't care if they cheated on you...I don't care if they broke up with you because you cheated on them...I care that you forgave them. Forgiving is such a courageous act because it demands that we put ourselves in many ways to the side in order to understand and grow in our own perspectives. This is the hardest of all steps because it requires us to give, give and give. It is also the one of the best thermometers that we can have for our growth and whether we have "moved on".
When I can forgive you, it is because I have recognized my feelings as separate from yours and understand your feelings being as valid as mine.
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