Am I wrong for having second thoughts? I don't mean for this to come off in a condescending way, but I have more education than him and a better paying job than him so I often think we aren't compatible because as of right now I don't feel we are equal partners. I don't need someone to make millions of dollars to make me happy, but I do need to feel like my partner is just that, my partner and not someone who I need to look after and cover most of the expenses.
But then again, I can sense his unconditional love for me, and I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. He treats me the best I have ever been treated, we can be stupid and laugh together, and never have I ever been afraid to be myself around him.
I'm not sure if to follow my heart or my head in this case. But I can never say any of this to him.
A: Any Philosophers out there?
Listen to me. I had lots of doubts before I married I my hubby. I used to hate that he would not speak to me about what he was feeling or wanting to hear my side of things, like it was my fault. I think I was just looking for things that were wrong with him because he seemed too perfect and I did not think I deserved something so right for me. I would stick it out honey and marry him. It has been 32 years with my hubby.
ReplyDeleteBut don't u think that her being unsure right now is a sign? lik what if she like marrys the guy and then ends up breaking up with him later bc these things are to much? I only say that because Im going thru something similar to this. Just my 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteits important to be honest. Lettin him know what you feel will be the best thing to do. I never told my wife how I felt about some of her annoying habits and it built it so badly that when I finally snapped on her not like hurting her but yelling at her she ended up divorcing me. There were some other things that were involved of course. I just think you need to be straight with him and talk to him about what's up.Might as well do it now before you two end up getting married. For Annie I agree that you need to like get through the hard times but sometimes you cant stick it out it can be to hard ya know?
ReplyDeleteLong time reader
Think about the last line you wrote... "But I can never say any of this to him." That says it all. If you can't communicate, then that is the problem you should tackle. I think that the fact that you are having second thoughts is a good thing. You should definitely consider discussing your thoughts with him. If he truly loves you unconditionally, and you can always be yourself around him, as you say you can, then he will understand, and hopefully make an effort to help you out more. After all, it is the little things, like walking the dog, that can make a relationship really special. If you don't communicate now, when you are married and then bring other factors like kids into the picture, a mortgage payment, etc. it's just gonna get tougher. So, I say, be honest. And if he doesn't make an effort to understand how you feel, as much as that would suck, it's way better to know that now, then after the wedding.
ReplyDeleteI like miss ags response. I also don't think you should only choose between following your heart and following your head. I think that psych wrote recently about using both to make good decisions. I know I have had to use that with my bf lately and it does help to use both.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI think all of you have had amazing opinions. I love that you came together to speak and respond to this.
I will try and speak to all the points you mention and will try and answer to the best of my ability. I am so happy to hear that you are having second thoughts about your fiancé. You see having seconds thoughts doesn’t mean anything will end…it doesn’t mean that you are doing anything bad…you are simply taking the time to explore what you want and who you are. When I hear second thoughts, I hear trying to expand your thoughts and what you see. You are considering and questions so that you can grow.
Now here is something to think about. You say you feel unappreciated by him…but what does that mean? In other words, what would you want him to do? Do you want him to do all the things you listed? Let’s say he turned around today and did everything you listed…changed his behavior in these elements…would that make you feel better? Because I don’t think it is necessarily the “things” that you want him to do or the chores as it is the thought behind his actions that you want.
For example, a text in the morning to say “hello” is sweet…but the real sweetness isn’t the actual text…the real sweetness is everything that it says because a text in the morning says, “I thought of you as soon as I woke up…grabbed my phone and knew that the first person I wanted to check in with was you.”
It’s not about walking the dog...it’s about him taking the time to consider your day and thinking ahead…it’s him saying, “I will do this so that she doesn’t have to…”
Now be careful when you list off things that you do in comparison to him. That is a slippery slope that results in comparing dick sizes. No one wins in that one. Now I can see that you are not doing that purposefully…but that kind of thinking can turn into contempt and resentment very quickly.
Something to think about…I want you to take these sentences and change the wording from him to you.
“I can sense his unconditional love for me, and I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. He treats me the best I have ever been treated…
Do you have unconditional love for him? Do you feel unconditional love for him every time you look at him? Do you treat him the best he’s ever been treated…and this is the change up…do you treat him the best he’s been treated because of the love you have or because of the “duty” you feel you have. There is a difference.
Miss Ags has it on the dot. You say, “I can never say any of this to him” How will that relationship look later? You have to be able to have the tough conversations. You have to be able to fire off your shots ready to take them in return. Relationships, especially marriage is hard. Too fuckin hard. Do not suffer quietly. Marriage is a partnership that requires battles and fights in order to move. It’s true. See blog number 216 because it talks about the ugly. But anyways, if you cannot even express your feelings and concern to someone that you want to share your entire life with…you are cutting your own feet off expecting him to carry you.
Get in a fight (not literal) but have the tough conversations and explain to him not what he is doing wrong…but instead what you are feeling and come up with a solution. The solution may not be him doing all these things…it may be his efforts in other ways. You two will figure it out…but only if you bring it out.
Remember, your ability to express all these things is most necessary not for the relationship or him…it’s most necessary for you. The fixing of the relationship, should it be repaired, is simply a side effect. Your ability to express your feelings and emotions will help YOU grow because you are choosing to do your own work.
It’s not how many fights…it’s how you fight. It’s not the things we do, it’s the intention and care under the things that matters.
Good luck.
Wow I'm very moved by all the responses that came from this.
ReplyDeletePsych! I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it's more about the thought behind the action as opposed to the chores themselves. I have tried addressing the issue in the past, but as of now nothing has changed. Sometimes I feel like I should just cut him some slack and my sister tells me it's a "man" thing not to be as helpful, especially without being told to do it.
As for everyone else, thank you for your kind words, encouragement, and advice. Communication is key, and if we can't communicate we're doomed for failure. I'll be more assertive in my communication so that he knows it is something I am serious about and would like to thoroughly address as opposed to leaving him guessing as to whether or not it really is important to me. From what I've heard, it is normal to have doubts about a marriage working, also known as "cold feet." For now, I'm going to try to communicate more effectively in hopes that it'll all turn out for the better, even if that means ending the relationship.
Thanks again everyone :0)
Hi Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI love how open and brave you were to talk about this. That is truth. That is growth. Instead of emailing me with all of this, you put it on open forum allowing everyone to read it. Courage.
:)