The last month has resulted in multiple emails. Although I do not have the answer for all of you, I applaud your honesty, your dirty, your dark. I respect your courage, and strength and ask you to continue writing.
I have almost written back to all of you and will not post those responses up unless you want me to.
For now though, I want to post some of the email up and call it "our truths..."
They are included with the date I got the email underneath..
Here's a few...
"I cheat on every girlfriend I get..."
(Jan 5, 2013)
"I slept with my boyfriend's father..."
(Jan 6, 2013)
"...I knew she had HIV but didn't think I would catch it...we were safe..."
(Jan 6, 2013)
"She makes me feel like a little boy...I love it"
(Jan 8, 2013)
"I cut myself behind my knee because its too easy to see on my wrist"
(Jan 8, 2013)
"I can't have children and haven't told my husband"
(Jan 8, 2013)
"I blame myself for my wife's death"
(Jan 9, 2013)
"My dad really is my hero...I see now that parents have it hard"
(Jan 9, 2013)
"Why did he have to touch me"
(Jan 10, 2013)
"I sometimes steal the ideas of my students"
(Jan 11, 2013)
"I hate you"
(Jan 11, 2013)
"I feel so wrong because I read this shit"
(Jan 13, 2013)
"I feel so ugly...all the time"
(Jan 13, 2013)
"I always hurt...always...I don't know how to make it stop"
(Jan 15, 2013)
"I feel like I'm free when I'm with him"
(Jan 15, 2013)
"I saw her and then saw the ring on her finger...I knew that I lost my chance"
(Jan 15, 2013)
"I think I'm smarter than you...but I can't figure out how"
(Jan 16, 2013)
"I'm not the father!"
(Jan 18, 2013)
"I was overseas and she took my life away"
(Jan 19, 2013)
"You remind me that I can be happy"
(Jan 20, 2013)
"I like to breathe a lot more now"
(Jan 21, 2013)
"'Why won't you just die' is what I could read in her gaze"
(Jan 22, 2013)
"I saw her lying there, waiting for her last words...her hand holding mine tightly...although she was the weakest she had been in years...I felt her squeeze my hand the hardest I've ever felt...I realized that it wasn't her hand that was squeezing...it was mine and the squeeze wasn't from my wrinkled hand...it was from every memory we held from the very first moment I looked into her eyes 40 years ago...knowing that I looked into them for the last time 40 seconds ago when she closed them"
(Jan 23, 2013)
This is "our truth..." what's yours?
I'm having second thoughts about my fiance. We basically have a non-existant sex life (not to sound bitchy but a good or at least compatible sex life is important for a marriage or relationship to succeed), and lately I've been feeling unappreciated by him. He was recently sick and I took care of him, made sure he was taking his meds, paid for his meds, cooked, and cleaned for him. He can't even do something as simple as walk the dog while I make time to do it even though I work full time and attend school full time. Granted he works and goes to school also, and even though his program is different and sometimes more difficult than mine, he doesn't do either one full time.
ReplyDeleteAm I wrong for having second thoughts? I don't mean for this to come off in a condescending way, but I have more education than him and a better paying job than him so I often think we aren't compatible because as of right now I don't feel we are equal partners. I don't need someone to make millions of dollars to make me happy, but I do need to feel like my partner is just that, my partner and not someone who I need to look after and cover most of the expenses.
But then again, I can sense his unconditional love for me, and I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. He treats me the best I have ever been treated, we can be stupid and laugh together, and never have I ever been afraid to be myself around him.
I'm not sure if to follow my heart or my head in this case. But I can never say any of this to him.