262. Take in...not just satisfy

I believe that many marry or get into relationships for all the wrong reasons.  Convenience…family…expectation…outside influence.  They do it because they think it’s part of the checklist…part of what is meant to happen.  Oh you know…I go to school…I find a guy…I like him…he likes me…we fall into the pattern of “what do I bring home for dinner” and suddenly the next progressive step is marriage.  We do it because we think that’s what’s next.

The problem with this is that I believe many do it without too much reflection and thought.  They do it without a hunger.  They see marriage or long term relationships as an easy meal…a McDonalds drive thru to satisfy the craving without much thought. 

Now I understand the concept of fast food.  It’s easy, convenient and gets the job done.  I can satisfy my craving and fill my belly… It’s available and it fills our need whether that be cheap, bland or simple.  I think that most relationships are like this. But for me, it is never quit satisfying enough. 

The draw and attraction of a sit down meal is the ritual and sharing of food…the enjoyment of bringing into us food that was made with love and care.  The sensuality of it, the family of it, the “taking in” of it rather than the “convenience” of it.  The sharing of food over candles and wine will always stump a fast food meal.  Yet we turn to it because it’s easy and there.   I believe we need to change our mindset.  We need to move from accommodating to hunting.  I want to hunt my food and share it with my partner…my family.  I want the building of flavors and spices…the mixing of loud noise and dirty clothes…the heat and steaming of our relationship…not the cheap paper wrap or cardboard containers. The kind of meal requires work…requires thought and care.  The kind of meal that builds to the point of attacking it like a starving dog at a bone. 

This is what I feel a real value meal is.  One worked for and shared…not convenient and given.

261. Get over them...now

I think we've all been guilty of it before.  We see our exes whether online...in the street...at the market and with them...the "new" guy.  You know what I'm talking about...you see a picture of them with some new person on facebook and automatically your head starts firing.

"who is he?"
"is that the new girl?"
"Is he hotter than me?"
"How long has this been going on..."

All of a sudden you feel small.  You feel this pinge of pain, or something, that reminds you of what you two had together.  Your head goes to crisis mode as you start questioning what about them makes them "better" than you and what you two had.  Then you start getting desperate...thinking of ways to get them back...you move from independent and free to then seeking and chasing after them.

You move into psychological and mental stalking...reliving and sulking in the moments that you two had.  It hurts.  The pain is more than a scrape...many times you may feel betrayed, small, not good enough, less than and sad.

This is wrong.  This occurs because you are putting them onto a pedestal.  You are feeling bad because maybe they moved on and you didn't...they took the next step and you haven't.  They have let the shore go, traveling into the unknown and you're too busy looking at their empty dock.

This occurs when you are stuck.  When you haven't mounted up...taken the step to push forward and see past them.  When you create your world that looks only like them...of course the world doesn't look or smell the same when they are gone.  You have overidentified with what it was to be with them and part of them.  You have spent so much energy in loving them and being connected to them that you can't find or see you anymore.  They fell for you for some reason and somewhere in the relationship you forgot who that person was.  So because you forgot who you were without them, you end up feeling like you NEED them in order to be you.  Fuck that!

What do you do?

You date you.

Ohhhhh yes.  You get greedy.  You get jealous of you.  You get stuck on you.  Dance classes?  Cooking classes? Hobby?  all of them.  It comes down to being in love with you.  Taking the time to rediscover who you are.

I believe that's the problem with rebounds.  We confuse things.  When we break up with someone we are quick to want to fill that hole of the "other" person that we can surround ourself with.  Instead, the challenge should be to fill in the hole that they left...with us.  With who we are that was taken when they left.

1.  Know that you have to date you.

2.  Grow balls- that means you have to get on it.  Want to take a class? go sign up right now.  Go!  Do not delay it.  Just do it.  Want to make new friends...go out tonight.  Go!

3.  Stick it out- it will not be easy to forget or move on from them...anyone that makes an impact on our life will always leave a sticky residue that's hard to scrape off.  Stick it out and continue pushing.

4. Reflect- do not forget about the relationship, it's important, you need to reflect on who you were in it.  Consider your behaviors and what compromises you made with yourself in order to have the relationship.

5.  Forgive- I don't care if they cheated on you...I don't care if they broke up with you because you cheated on them...I care that you forgave them.  Forgiving is such a courageous act because it demands that we put ourselves in many ways to the side in order to understand and grow in our own perspectives.  This is the hardest of all steps because it requires us to give, give and give.  It is also the one of the best thermometers that we can have for our growth and whether we have "moved on".

When I can forgive you, it is because I have recognized my feelings as separate from yours and understand your feelings being as valid as mine.

260. Reconnect to you

I made a decision this week.  A big one.

I have felt disconnected in many ways.  I think it's a side effect of this profession.  I believe that we get so caught up in the support and helping of others...in the giving of ourselves and our well being at times to give back and help another...that the side effect is a loss of self.  A disconnection to even our own stuff because we are so distracted and caught up in the stuff of the other.  A battery that gets drained.

I thought about taking a trip away to isolate and sit in my dreams...to sit in reverie and play in my head. But when an invite came out to me last minute I decided to take a trip.  I decided not to do what needed to be done for me physically, but instead what needed to be done for me mentally.  More on that later.

I meet up with my old marine corps friends about one time per year.  It's been that way for years.  Every time we get together we cannot help but fall back into old behaviors.  We joke. We drink. We eat. We play. We dance. We are us.

I say this because it is in these moments that I feel the most comfortable.  The most confident...and I know they feel the same as well.  Now, it's not only because these guys would take a bat to anyones head that messed with me, or that we wouldn't carry one of us back to the room when too drunk to walk and draw penises on their face so that over the course of the night the marks end up on the white pillow case...it's because when together, we are comfortable with who we are.  Confidence.

Side note: I believe this is the definition of confidence.  Confidence is comfort in who you are.  Accepting of your story.

Back to it...

Both of them are married, kids, big families, work, responsibility, etc...

This is important because our getting together is not about women...it's not about partying...it's not about vacation away from our families...it's about an acknowledgement and understanding that we are together despite the distance. We are connecting to one another.  More importantly, we are connecting to ourselves and who we were BEFORE we had all those above things.  Reliving and revisiting memories that made us who we are today.  Highlight those last sentences.  Once a year we open safe boxes to revisit.

But back to connection, we have all felt it.  You can be separate for years but as soon as you get together- it all clicks.  No topic is too intimate or shallow.  We connect because we can recognize parts of ourselves in one another.

They bring back to me what it is to laugh without fear, what is it to feel safe, the memory of military days, the collection of stories that we continue to build as we talk about their kids and wives and sitting on porches.  We play in fantasy and they remind me of all the things that I am and what I want for myself...even some things that I don't want for myself.  They are part of my history because we all share the same memories.  Back up singers to my Alesha Keyes.  Hmmm...that was a weird reference.

Anyways...

I believe that we can get so lost in our everyday that we forget what it is like to be us.  The person that our friends know and love.  Not only that...I feel like we lose sight into who we are outside of our patterns...our everyday.  We lose perspective when all we see is our everyday...when all we see is the same.  When we are stagnant in pattern and not challenging or reflective enough to know that we are stuck in a pattern...we are stunting growth.

Seeing something or revisiting memories of the person that you were before, or the stories that you've made with others can be a reminder and a respectful gesture to make to yourself...it is a revisiting of who you are now because of where you have been.  Read that again.


Thank you gentlemen for my reconnection.  For reintroducing me to me...

Until we open the safe box again...


"da, da, is tamandong...why does the horse thing look like me?"

259. Guava Jelly

She brought me Guava Jelly today.  Before we get into it, some background.  I went to a party recently where a variety of foods were available.  I tried a bit of everything but what stood out most was this jar of jelly.  I had some and for some freakin’ reason, I loved it.  Perhaps it was because it was homemade and I’m a sucker for “homemade” stuff…maybe it was the atmosphere that made everything taste that much better.  In the end I enjoyed it.  In fact, I raved about it.  Hmm…maybe alcohol had something to do with it.

Anyways, a few days later I meet up with my friend who hands me over this awesome, huge jar of jelly and says, “here, I got this for you.”  I felt myself sink.  I felt myself feel touched because in that moment I realized that I was thought of.  She remembered how much I enjoyed the jelly and without prompt decided to get me some.  Awesome.

I believe that successful relationships come down to a few big things, sprinkled with lots of little things, a lot of hard work and determination, while leaving just enough space for growth and flexibility.  The recipe for relationships if you will.  Now sure that looks good on paper but what does that mean?

The big things are:

emotional (how do I feel with them)

physical (can they do the job)

intellectual (can we talk about more than a sponge)

spiritual (can you accept my values)

Not to forget the practicalities of being with one another…you know…like trust and communication.

Space for growth and flexibility are things that promote a continued guessing and changing with your partner…a constant care and attention for you and your relationship.  An ongoing curiosity of who they are…voyage and exploration in the sea that covers their world. 

The little things?  Yeah…you probably could have guessed that one…guava jelly.

258. New Year

Resolutions for the new year?  I don’t know.  I don’t think I believe in them because I don’t believe anything in me has to be resolved…only highlighted.  

Think of novels or books that you read.  Ever run across a line that for some reason just speaks to you?  Come across a sentence that  stands out to you...that you want to remember and hold?  You grab your pencil or highlighter and annotate it.  You make it brighter.  For whatever reason, within that entire page...that highlighted spot needed to be seen.  Too important to forget.  You connected to it.

Like pages in a book, I believe that we already have everything we need in our lives.  But the important stuff, the stuff that we connect to, is simply placed between the other sentences waiting for you to highlight them.

You see, the problem is that people get too caught up in what they can hold and measure…not what they can feel or build upon.  For example, they make resolutions to “get thin” when really, the answer is not “getting thin” but feeling good in your own skin.  They say, “I want to start a new career” but what they are saying is that they want to follow their passion.  They say, “I want to go on a grand vacation and save up for the house of my dreams” but what they are really saying is that they want their own time.  They want their own space.

This is important.  I believe that we get so caught up in the outside of things…in the extraneous sentences...in the things that we can measure and hold…that we miss out on what is important.  We get caught up in what we think will make us happy versus exploring what will make us feel happy…and that folks is a huge difference. 

This is why instead of resolutions, I’m focusing on highlighting.  I am highlighting what I already have...what is important.  I am making my already had gifts stand out and shine.  I am focusing not on losing my belly fat, but instead dropping the fat that suffocates who I am.  Focus not on money and tools to trick us into happy, but instead on generosity and appreciation.  You see, highlighting is a state of mind.  Highlighting is your ability to bring out the part of you that you already have.  Bringing out the part of you that you need to pay more attention to and use.

This year, consider all that you already have in your life.  Don’t get stuck on the fat of the book that has no meaning.  Really think about what you find valuable and in turn how you can bring it out.  Consider your supports, your ability to love, your gifts, your purpose, your emotions, all the things you have gained in this journey and highlight them.  Use them.  Throw them around.  Make dog ear folds...copy the sentence onto your soul...stamp the line...tear the fuckin' page out.  Make folds and bookmarks.  Make them stand out.  Make others see them.  Give and give and give. 

I promise that if you do this, everything will change.  Promise.

Happy New/Old You.

257. My place

My blog has been just that.  My blog.  A collection of things that I think about...thoughts that are too important for me to forget.  A place of reminders and reveries.  A reference of lessons that I want to hold on to- my own, others and no ones.

I imagine it like a cool jean or leather jacket that I sew patches onto from the random places I've been.  Random bands that I like at the time or tears and rips in seams from overuse and continued wear.  I put patches on top of patches, logos and sayings on top of one another.  I want more.

It is not meant to be a place for everyone to turn to or learn from (it may be a side effect though)...it is meant to journal me and my journey.  A digital jean jacket.  Those who visit and pick something up from it...drop something off for me to read or look at, are welcome to do so.  I welcome you to.  Paste things on it...take things off of it...all part of the journey.

I half ass a lot of things. But I can not half ass love. I’m either all in or all out. This can be a curse more than a gift when it comes to dating. I can’t just date to date, even though I feel like I need to since I’ve always been in long term relationships. Recently, I’ve come to terms with it. I like the way I love. I believe I’m good at it and I rarely say I’m “good” at anything. It’s not because I’m sensitive or went to therapy school. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect in relationships and I have my issues. The belief that I am a good lover is due to one thing and one thing only. I love without fear. It is a choice. A difficult one. I understand the risk. My heart’s been broken just like yours. I’ve been in a world of hurt. I’ve been confused. I’m been ambivalent. I’ve changed my mind. I’ve been left. But I have tasted fearless love. And once you’ve tasted that, you can’t go back to anything else. You can’t hit the kind of notes that love has to offer if you are afraid. Afraid of rejection, getting hurt, or being alone. If I choose to love you, I will love you harder than you have ever been loved. That is not a promise to you. That is a promise to me. Lukewarm love is not love. That’s a transition. Real love means attacking it like a starving dog with a bone. To love fully means jumping out of planes. Sometimes without a parachute. Love is not just about support, acceptance, and active listening. Love means holding someone’s soul with two hands, looking into one’s eyes and not seeing the future but only the present because nothing else fucking matters. That’s the kind of love I want. Or I would rather be alone. Am I crazy? Am I shooting too high? Do I need to be realistic? Or maybe you have forgotten what it means to love. Or feel like you don’t deserve it? Our hearts were not designed to love soft. If you’re going to love, love.  hard.

There is no other way.

255. Like candy

When you continue to have a friend with benefits after the relationship is over.

I believe this stems from fear.  It is a love hate relationship that you are having with them.  The reasons?  Many.  You left them for a reason and yet you continue to be intimate with them.  I think that people will do this because they are holding onto something that they cannot let go of.  What does the sex do for you?  Make you feel safe? Wanted?  Secure?  A replacement for something?  Or a bridge until the next relationship? 

The fact is that masturbation does the trick as well ya know?  That’s why I don’t think it’s just about getting off, there is something that you are gaining from it.  Something that they are filling in you figuratively (and I guess literally…ey yo!).

I got this metaphor from an intern.  She says it can be like eating sweets when on a diet.  We work out really hard and try to be good, but then we slip, eat the piece of chocolate and then immediately feel bad about it.  It’s not because we didn’t enjoy the chocolate, but more so because it does nothing for us but satisfy a craving in the moment.  We then head to the gym to try and work it off when all you had to do was not eat it in the first place. 

I believe that friends with benefits, after the relationship has ended, are the same way.  You break up with them because of some reason and yet you hold onto them in this way to help fill a need.  To help fill something in you.  Let go.  

-Family time.

254. Boundaries

Boundaries are important in our lives.  They help us separate, pull apart and stay whole.  In fact, being in this field, boundaries help keep us objective and untouched by others.  At psychology school we are told to keep distance and far enough as,"professional" distance, will help keep us apart from our patients.

The problem?  I believe that although we need to have these boundaries up, we build boundaries out of brick and mortar.  We build slabs of stone that protect so well that it actually bounces and suffocates us.  We get stuck in our secluded and hidden world, protected and "safe" from all things that try to affect us...clients, patients, family, friends, our true selves.  We hold our true selves hostage.  A trained terrorist, your ego holds the trigger against the temple of who you really are.  He makes demands against you, acts against you, and keeps all others out.

Your sense of needing to build boundaries and protect yourself has resulted in a domestic violent situation to which you have actively created and participate in.  This same wall is what keeps really good guys away from you...the wall that keeps great possible dates out of your life...the wall that repels and scares people.

Am I saying that you have to break down walls and let everyone in?  Well...kinda.  I'm not saying let all your stuff leak out and infect and take over others...I'm saying that instead of building walls out of brick and mortar, use chain link fence.

Chain link is permeable, flexible and climbable.  It separates but allows vision, openness and possibility.  I wrote awhile back about the use of paint buckets in relationships.  If you are the color blue and others are the color yellow....when you connect and meet them...you make green.  Something different and new between two things...creation of different...mixed.  Chain link allows the mixing of colors.  It allows the blending of who you are with others to create something different.  See the difference?  Walls stop.  Chain link breathes.

Breathe deep.