PSYCH!SENSE question: if someone asks your honest opinion and you know that it will hurt them, do you say the truth?
I recently had this question and was wondering about it. For the most part, people often say that if it comes down to it, you must be willing to say the truth. But let's be honest...for the sake of the "other" you at times *have to lie a bit.
In fact, anyone who has been in a relationship for more than a day knows this to be true. When it comes down to it...when your partner asks you something...it is automatic that you LIE.
Examples:
Question: Does my butt look good in these pants?
Response: Yes, of course! (I secretly think they look bad)
Question: Does size matter?
Response: No (thank you FRIENDS, the answer is NO and "it goes for both genders")
Question: Do you want to do my sister?
Response: No! you know I'm into your little brother.
You see...we have all been guity of these things before. Many would say you should not lie. That you must be willing to give your honest truth at all times. I would argue that although it is necessary to be honest and truthful "most of the time" you must be willing to tell a lie for the sake or your partner.
It is important to be honest to your partner. VERY IMPORTANT! the difficulty is that there is always a "line" you must be willing to cross should you need to.
For instance, I do not want to kill people anymore...but I will cross my line should my own life be in danger.
I do not want to join the circus as a beaded, yoga, self satisfying, two headed snake handler...but...no..wait...yes I do.
Anyways....
Lets say your partner was recently fired from his job. He drives home, has a flat tire, trips on his shoe laces, breaks a nail and stubs his toe...he walks in and changes into his favorite ragged shirt, that you hate, right before you two go out to dinner and he asks you how he looks...for goodness sake, LIE!
You must draw a line. Many times our partner will be experiencing something in their life and a good partner will take the time to notice that they are "off"
what this means is that when our partners are "off" sometimes giving them an undeserved compliment, or giving them a lie is absolutely needed! I know it stinks. I know it does.
You give the compliment during these times because the compliment isn't about you, the person that gives the compliment, the compliment is about them. The compliment is about giving them a sense of connection and acceptance and love.
Am I saying lie openly? NO! I'm saying draw a line. When needed...to help another...to help them smile...you must give the other person something they need sometimes.
what do you guys think?!?!?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
152. Licking my wounds
I've had a few responses in regard to love and my latest posts. I thought I would take some time to devote to the recent broken heart.
I believe that ultimately when something "bad" is done to us we often will take two stances. The victim or the victor.
I believe that both exist. You must pay respect to the victim role and the feelings, pain and hardship that being dumped or hurt can bring you. You must respect the feelings of your heart being opened up and your wound being expose. We walk around with a wound from early life. This internal hole that truly does hurt. When we find a partner they fill that wound and for a while they help us see that the world doesn't really blow and that ultimately we are capable of being loved. Now we all know that we are capable of being loved...the difference is that when we find someone that we care for...we fill that hole with their essence...their life and their energy. Our wound begins to scab over...begins to close up and scar over.
When the person leaves it is the equivalent of an internal brazilian wax job...on your heart (wow, I went there). It stings and practically every sad song is a reflection of your feelings.
It is only in time that we are able to put a bandage over the wound that is left behind...that is when you are able to move on.
The victim you see is the one that feels this pain but instead of putting the bandage on is the one that uses this pain as a disease to infect others. They use the wound as an infection that they pass onto those around them...but mostly, the victim is the one who believes their wound will not be filled again. The victim believes that the only person in the ENTIRE world that can fill that wound is the one that they just lost.
This is the difference with the victor. The victor is willing to accept the pain of the wound...willing to hold the infection and is willing to expose it. IT SUCKS MIND YOU. But they know that every broken relationship, every lost love, every wound that is reopened leads them to a greater understanding of themselves and therefore closer to their life partner. You may lose your love right now...but know that every one you lose brings you ever closer to your soul's reflection in another.
I believe that ultimately when something "bad" is done to us we often will take two stances. The victim or the victor.
I believe that both exist. You must pay respect to the victim role and the feelings, pain and hardship that being dumped or hurt can bring you. You must respect the feelings of your heart being opened up and your wound being expose. We walk around with a wound from early life. This internal hole that truly does hurt. When we find a partner they fill that wound and for a while they help us see that the world doesn't really blow and that ultimately we are capable of being loved. Now we all know that we are capable of being loved...the difference is that when we find someone that we care for...we fill that hole with their essence...their life and their energy. Our wound begins to scab over...begins to close up and scar over.
When the person leaves it is the equivalent of an internal brazilian wax job...on your heart (wow, I went there). It stings and practically every sad song is a reflection of your feelings.
It is only in time that we are able to put a bandage over the wound that is left behind...that is when you are able to move on.
The victim you see is the one that feels this pain but instead of putting the bandage on is the one that uses this pain as a disease to infect others. They use the wound as an infection that they pass onto those around them...but mostly, the victim is the one who believes their wound will not be filled again. The victim believes that the only person in the ENTIRE world that can fill that wound is the one that they just lost.
This is the difference with the victor. The victor is willing to accept the pain of the wound...willing to hold the infection and is willing to expose it. IT SUCKS MIND YOU. But they know that every broken relationship, every lost love, every wound that is reopened leads them to a greater understanding of themselves and therefore closer to their life partner. You may lose your love right now...but know that every one you lose brings you ever closer to your soul's reflection in another.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
151. 1 point me...
Lets call this one the ball busting complex.
Lets start with the beginning. What the hell is a ball buster?
Essentially ball busting is when someone has this weird knack in their personality to insult you ("you can't be with her because you have herpes of the mouth"), backhand compliment you ("you look so handsome...when you're not talking") or generally give you a hard time ("oh you again? aren't you dead already?"). Now is there anything wrong with this?
The answer is......NO!....kinda
Psych!sense says that there is nothing wrong with these people. The types that give you a hard time or challenge your every imperfection. The reason it is not bad is because they will call you out of your crap. They will challenge you to reconsider things about yourself...they are the ones that when you ask, "hey does my butt look big in these pants?" they will respond, "yeah...and your face is ugly too".
See what I mean? they will give it like it is. The problem? they do not like to be challenged. They will shrink down in the presense of realness and love.
The PSYCH!SENSE question then becomes...."then what's the big deal?"
The big deal is that sometimes...a person is naturally a ball buster because of their childhood and world and will not have consideration for others or their feelings. What gives a ball buster their power is their ability to have "1 up on others."
When you meet a ball buster, you may feel that they will often insult you or try and call out your flaw as a way to have the upper hand with you. They automatically judge you without knowing who you are or where you come from.
PSYCH!SENSE would say that when first meeting a person, a ball buster will not be open to who they are, but instead will already have constructed a plan in their mind about the person or who they are based off of little information.
They also tend to be the ones that plan out in advance and have preconceptions about EVERYTHING already in their world. Although this is good in some ways, a ball buster will assume the world based on their plan...if things do not go according to plan they freak out...get crazy and get frustrated...and ultimately do not think "IT" is good enough...
see how it works? ball busters have an awkward drive to control and be in control. To judge and off handedly try and get "one up" on people. They will throw the best parties, because they control every part of it....they will have great relationships if they are not challenged too much...they will compete with you on every detail if they feel you will get "1 up on them"...they will make friends with those that compliment their control and big energy complexes.
Do you know anyone like this? (other than me ;)
and again, is there anything wrong with this? Yes and no.
If you first go into a situation where you are making a first impression, whether you are the one with this complex or are partnered with someone with this complex or are friends with someone with this complex....you/they will walk into any situation "looking" for something..planning ahead to the point where nothing is meant to surprise them, but that instead they already have a preconception about the situation. good and bad.
"What do you do if you or someone you know is experiencing the Ball buster complex?"
SLAP THEM! kinda. You have to challenge their or your own feelings of knowing it all. Of having a plan for everything...or worrying about getting "1 up" on others.
challenge yourself or others to let the other "win" to let others get a "point" on you. Because they often will feel challenged by others. Allow yourself or them to act on a "whim" to do something unplanned "like throw a party without too much planning".
Give others, ESPECIALLY strangers, the opportunity to talk about themselves while you stay open to who they are....and also without talking about your "bigger" accomplishments.
the difficulty? many times we/they do not think we are doing this. In fact, we often don't know our own complexes or crap that we do/experience.
My suggestion, although weird, is to think about your relationships...not with friends (well sometimes...) but more so with people that you have recently met. What is your feelings with the recent people you have met? Did they upset you? are you lying to yourself when you say they don't? Perhaps they get under your skin? did they make you feel bad? less than? off? consider recent relationships and connections with people as a good thermometer for your complexes and crap.
There is a need for self-awareness and consideration with others when doing this kind of work...for we are often blind to our crap...you must be willing to consider yours...even if you think it's crap :)
-Psych!
Lets start with the beginning. What the hell is a ball buster?
Essentially ball busting is when someone has this weird knack in their personality to insult you ("you can't be with her because you have herpes of the mouth"), backhand compliment you ("you look so handsome...when you're not talking") or generally give you a hard time ("oh you again? aren't you dead already?"). Now is there anything wrong with this?
The answer is......NO!....kinda
Psych!sense says that there is nothing wrong with these people. The types that give you a hard time or challenge your every imperfection. The reason it is not bad is because they will call you out of your crap. They will challenge you to reconsider things about yourself...they are the ones that when you ask, "hey does my butt look big in these pants?" they will respond, "yeah...and your face is ugly too".
See what I mean? they will give it like it is. The problem? they do not like to be challenged. They will shrink down in the presense of realness and love.
The PSYCH!SENSE question then becomes...."then what's the big deal?"
The big deal is that sometimes...a person is naturally a ball buster because of their childhood and world and will not have consideration for others or their feelings. What gives a ball buster their power is their ability to have "1 up on others."
When you meet a ball buster, you may feel that they will often insult you or try and call out your flaw as a way to have the upper hand with you. They automatically judge you without knowing who you are or where you come from.
PSYCH!SENSE would say that when first meeting a person, a ball buster will not be open to who they are, but instead will already have constructed a plan in their mind about the person or who they are based off of little information.
They also tend to be the ones that plan out in advance and have preconceptions about EVERYTHING already in their world. Although this is good in some ways, a ball buster will assume the world based on their plan...if things do not go according to plan they freak out...get crazy and get frustrated...and ultimately do not think "IT" is good enough...
see how it works? ball busters have an awkward drive to control and be in control. To judge and off handedly try and get "one up" on people. They will throw the best parties, because they control every part of it....they will have great relationships if they are not challenged too much...they will compete with you on every detail if they feel you will get "1 up on them"...they will make friends with those that compliment their control and big energy complexes.
Do you know anyone like this? (other than me ;)
and again, is there anything wrong with this? Yes and no.
If you first go into a situation where you are making a first impression, whether you are the one with this complex or are partnered with someone with this complex or are friends with someone with this complex....you/they will walk into any situation "looking" for something..planning ahead to the point where nothing is meant to surprise them, but that instead they already have a preconception about the situation. good and bad.
"What do you do if you or someone you know is experiencing the Ball buster complex?"
SLAP THEM! kinda. You have to challenge their or your own feelings of knowing it all. Of having a plan for everything...or worrying about getting "1 up" on others.
challenge yourself or others to let the other "win" to let others get a "point" on you. Because they often will feel challenged by others. Allow yourself or them to act on a "whim" to do something unplanned "like throw a party without too much planning".
Give others, ESPECIALLY strangers, the opportunity to talk about themselves while you stay open to who they are....and also without talking about your "bigger" accomplishments.
the difficulty? many times we/they do not think we are doing this. In fact, we often don't know our own complexes or crap that we do/experience.
My suggestion, although weird, is to think about your relationships...not with friends (well sometimes...) but more so with people that you have recently met. What is your feelings with the recent people you have met? Did they upset you? are you lying to yourself when you say they don't? Perhaps they get under your skin? did they make you feel bad? less than? off? consider recent relationships and connections with people as a good thermometer for your complexes and crap.
There is a need for self-awareness and consideration with others when doing this kind of work...for we are often blind to our crap...you must be willing to consider yours...even if you think it's crap :)
-Psych!
Monday, March 7, 2011
150. Sky dive
I was recently motivated by a friend to write this one...
I have been in an interesting place in life. I find myself not worried about much, concerned with much or very much bothered by much. I suppose I feel an awkwardness...a funky love in the world.
now that's an interesting things in itself there...love.
I've written about it before and yet it never ceases to amaze me that the beauty of love can never be expressed or spoken about precisely for all to understand...but by it's simple four letter we all individually "know" what it is.
Love is a ravaging thing isn't it? it demands all of us...it forces us to consider the world around us...angrily or lovingly...it controls us.
I believe this is the hardest part of love. It demands an opening of the soul..of the person. I see love on a few different levels all of which I will NOT get into today. But most amazing about it is it's odd underlying meaning.
When two people are in love, you end up having to expose the worse things about yourself...the most painful qualities you have to another person. Especially hard is knowing that often times we are too timid to expose these things to ourselves...to truly acknowledge that we are not in control of ourselves and that we truly are jacked up...if we cannot accept that...how do we expect someone that we want to take us in.
Both people must be willing to serve to the other. As you give your partner, know that you must be given in return. But that's the beauty and curse. Again, love requires an opening to the soft gooey center within us. The worry about love comes from our inability to handle it...from our inability to grasp it and control it. It is demanding, painful, variable, and if you're not looking- it will get the jump on you and kick you in the ass. Yet love is just that...it is a dangerous and demanding thing that forces us to grow and be punched in the nuts (or boobs). A sky diving rush, where the sting and force of the wind in your face is always more fun than the landing. Having love isn't the rush...fighting...growing and trying for it is. The sky dive is...the speeding down the highway is...the "UGH, FUCK, SHIT, YES, BAM, PLEASE, URGE" is the real rush. You must let love infect you.
Go be in love now.
I have been in an interesting place in life. I find myself not worried about much, concerned with much or very much bothered by much. I suppose I feel an awkwardness...a funky love in the world.
now that's an interesting things in itself there...love.
I've written about it before and yet it never ceases to amaze me that the beauty of love can never be expressed or spoken about precisely for all to understand...but by it's simple four letter we all individually "know" what it is.
Love is a ravaging thing isn't it? it demands all of us...it forces us to consider the world around us...angrily or lovingly...it controls us.
I believe this is the hardest part of love. It demands an opening of the soul..of the person. I see love on a few different levels all of which I will NOT get into today. But most amazing about it is it's odd underlying meaning.
When two people are in love, you end up having to expose the worse things about yourself...the most painful qualities you have to another person. Especially hard is knowing that often times we are too timid to expose these things to ourselves...to truly acknowledge that we are not in control of ourselves and that we truly are jacked up...if we cannot accept that...how do we expect someone that we want to take us in.
Both people must be willing to serve to the other. As you give your partner, know that you must be given in return. But that's the beauty and curse. Again, love requires an opening to the soft gooey center within us. The worry about love comes from our inability to handle it...from our inability to grasp it and control it. It is demanding, painful, variable, and if you're not looking- it will get the jump on you and kick you in the ass. Yet love is just that...it is a dangerous and demanding thing that forces us to grow and be punched in the nuts (or boobs). A sky diving rush, where the sting and force of the wind in your face is always more fun than the landing. Having love isn't the rush...fighting...growing and trying for it is. The sky dive is...the speeding down the highway is...the "UGH, FUCK, SHIT, YES, BAM, PLEASE, URGE" is the real rush. You must let love infect you.
Go be in love now.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
149. You move me
You can feel it with the people you meet. You can begin to feel the wind of something under your feet, in your chest, a warmth, no- a cringe, wait- an inkling...something that grabs you when you meet them or scares the hell outta ya!
When you meet people you will always feel "something" with them...not in your pants gents! but you will feel something that just feels right...what is that?
Now some call that intuition...some call it a gut feeling...some call it energy...
whatever it is we can feel it. We meet people and can feel within us a type of churning, moving and growling within us. We have an amazing ability to feel people out when we meet them. You may find yourself instantly moved by someone, touched by their presence and wanting to be with it more...you must trust this feeling. Allow yourself to be moved or pushed or pulled by them...accept it.
More importantly, know that they in return are moved and pushed by you as well. As we move along in our lives, our own energy and life are too an imaginary force field and power that can push others...find your energy and use it. Your X-men power. Your body, your voice, your eyes, your breath, your love, your hate...let it be heard. Find what makes you happy..find what you can push out into the world and work hard at doing that.
Don't know what it is? ask someone...ask them what it is about you that they like/love/are attracted to. When you get enough opinions..use them...feel them out with strangers and use them. We are so powerful and lovely that our smallest breath can truly push the leaf that pushes the flower that makes a person sneeze...we have the ability to move the world...
you reading this! yeah you. You can move the world...you can move your world around you. Talk to people...talk to others...find who they are and find what they love...when you go to the market make conversation with others...give yourself a goal to say "HI" to 5 people...give yourself a goal to ask someone how their day was...find a story...
I went to the bank today to make a deposit and ended up talking to two bankers there. Outside of the bank, I would have never met them...would have never learned about their children...their loves...the things that make them happy and the things that they are passionate about....and although I may never speak to them again...for a moment in time...we "infected" eachother (not in a sick disease, disgusting way peeps) but in an engagement of world...in the colliding of lives...in a mixing of stories and connection that opens and breaks the monotomy of our lives...
collide readers...collide in the world with others.
When you meet people you will always feel "something" with them...not in your pants gents! but you will feel something that just feels right...what is that?
Now some call that intuition...some call it a gut feeling...some call it energy...
whatever it is we can feel it. We meet people and can feel within us a type of churning, moving and growling within us. We have an amazing ability to feel people out when we meet them. You may find yourself instantly moved by someone, touched by their presence and wanting to be with it more...you must trust this feeling. Allow yourself to be moved or pushed or pulled by them...accept it.
More importantly, know that they in return are moved and pushed by you as well. As we move along in our lives, our own energy and life are too an imaginary force field and power that can push others...find your energy and use it. Your X-men power. Your body, your voice, your eyes, your breath, your love, your hate...let it be heard. Find what makes you happy..find what you can push out into the world and work hard at doing that.
Don't know what it is? ask someone...ask them what it is about you that they like/love/are attracted to. When you get enough opinions..use them...feel them out with strangers and use them. We are so powerful and lovely that our smallest breath can truly push the leaf that pushes the flower that makes a person sneeze...we have the ability to move the world...
you reading this! yeah you. You can move the world...you can move your world around you. Talk to people...talk to others...find who they are and find what they love...when you go to the market make conversation with others...give yourself a goal to say "HI" to 5 people...give yourself a goal to ask someone how their day was...find a story...
I went to the bank today to make a deposit and ended up talking to two bankers there. Outside of the bank, I would have never met them...would have never learned about their children...their loves...the things that make them happy and the things that they are passionate about....and although I may never speak to them again...for a moment in time...we "infected" eachother (not in a sick disease, disgusting way peeps) but in an engagement of world...in the colliding of lives...in a mixing of stories and connection that opens and breaks the monotomy of our lives...
collide readers...collide in the world with others.
Friday, February 25, 2011
148. Relationships
When it comes down to it...you want a friend that you find sexy. Now sure, we all have friends that are hot/sexy that we want to do and make sweet, sweet love with...so what do I mean? I mean that you have to have a friend that has "sexy" and that in return thinks you got "sexy".
That's all it comes down to.
Ever hear that stuff about..."HEY! I got with someone that is my exact opposite 'opposites attract' right?" hmm...that's crap. Not like regular crap but more like...crap that's on a stick that swinging at a Horse Pinata filled with crap that is taking a crap.
Relationships will also come down to the balance between negotiable vs. non-negotiable needs.
Negotiable: pizza toppings, movie genre that you like, TV shows, kids*, sex positions (unless it's that one that all women hate but are equally as curious as guys...unless you nag the gal so much that she tries it a few times and ends up loving it "getout of here")
non-negotiable: personal values, beliefs, sex positions (see above caption)
The more similar you are to your partner...the less negotiation you will always have to make....
lets say he LOVES watching sports and you LOVE watching porn...if you're always fighting for what to watch...you will be in a constant "match" and fight for negotiation...
lets say she needs to have an fancy trip out of the country every month and he just can't afford it...
lets say he loves to get high often at home and you just can't stand the smell or how it acts on him...
You see?!?! the less negotiation on things...the easier it will be on the long term...you must try and find someone that has those similar things to you so that you will have less fights and you will have to live less in negotiation all the time in your relationship.
The difficulty? we have to negotiate...yes we do...but some of you out there..think about it...or maybe someone you know...will often find themselves saying,
"Well I'm doing this now for him/her but in time s/he will adjust and change or he will give in"
or even this jewel,
"well my aunt maggie gave her man an ultimatum and he caved..." we talk about some random story we heard or knew about a cousin, uncle, aunt, friend etc...and think that the same rule will apply to us....NO! do not "plan on what if"
Let me give you an example...lets say a gal wants to have 4 kids and the guy she's with wants to have NONE. PERIOD. If she tries to "wait" it out...she is trying to plan on the "what if"....what does that mean? She may learn that he will NOT give in and that she has "wasted" time with him.
The wonderful and horrible fact about relationships is that we stay in them WAY too long when things are just not going to work out in the end. We wait and plan on the "what if" we compromise our non-negotiables and give, give, give without having a return on the investment...
You cannot plan on "what if"
Example.
I'm with a man that wants no kids....well "what if" he changes his mind?
I'm with a guy that is a ranging alcoholic...well "what if" he changes because he can
I hooked up with that gal that night..."what if" she turns 12 by my court date
"what if" the cold sore on my lip isn't herpes despite knowing that she had herpes that night...damn grandma
I mean..think about it...the world is filled with "what if" so don't plan on them.
find a partner that is close to you and has similar interests that can negotiate when necessary and ultimately is your friend.
Last thing:
I've written about this before...you must be willing to give to your partner what they need. Ask them what they like...ask them what "does it" for them...ask your partner to tell you what they need. Often times we get caught up in our own crap and our own world that we forget that another person is now part of it.
If you're with a stubborn person that refuses to express themself to you...and YOU are the type that likes when they can tell you about their feelings and thoughts...you need to consider if they are a good fit for you. I'm NOT saying dump them...I'm saying think about your negotiable needs. Do they make an attempt to express themselves? Do they try and connect to what makes you happy? if they do then they are trying to meet you, if they are not and refuse to open up/show themself or give a bit of themself to you...move on. You'll be happier that way.
Learn your partners values and needs...then do what you can to meet them there...in return they will do the same for you...hopefully.
That's all it comes down to.
Ever hear that stuff about..."HEY! I got with someone that is my exact opposite 'opposites attract' right?" hmm...that's crap. Not like regular crap but more like...crap that's on a stick that swinging at a Horse Pinata filled with crap that is taking a crap.
Relationships will also come down to the balance between negotiable vs. non-negotiable needs.
Negotiable: pizza toppings, movie genre that you like, TV shows, kids*, sex positions (unless it's that one that all women hate but are equally as curious as guys...unless you nag the gal so much that she tries it a few times and ends up loving it "getout of here")
non-negotiable: personal values, beliefs, sex positions (see above caption)
The more similar you are to your partner...the less negotiation you will always have to make....
lets say he LOVES watching sports and you LOVE watching porn...if you're always fighting for what to watch...you will be in a constant "match" and fight for negotiation...
lets say she needs to have an fancy trip out of the country every month and he just can't afford it...
lets say he loves to get high often at home and you just can't stand the smell or how it acts on him...
You see?!?! the less negotiation on things...the easier it will be on the long term...you must try and find someone that has those similar things to you so that you will have less fights and you will have to live less in negotiation all the time in your relationship.
The difficulty? we have to negotiate...yes we do...but some of you out there..think about it...or maybe someone you know...will often find themselves saying,
"Well I'm doing this now for him/her but in time s/he will adjust and change or he will give in"
or even this jewel,
"well my aunt maggie gave her man an ultimatum and he caved..." we talk about some random story we heard or knew about a cousin, uncle, aunt, friend etc...and think that the same rule will apply to us....NO! do not "plan on what if"
Let me give you an example...lets say a gal wants to have 4 kids and the guy she's with wants to have NONE. PERIOD. If she tries to "wait" it out...she is trying to plan on the "what if"....what does that mean? She may learn that he will NOT give in and that she has "wasted" time with him.
The wonderful and horrible fact about relationships is that we stay in them WAY too long when things are just not going to work out in the end. We wait and plan on the "what if" we compromise our non-negotiables and give, give, give without having a return on the investment...
You cannot plan on "what if"
Example.
I'm with a man that wants no kids....well "what if" he changes his mind?
I'm with a guy that is a ranging alcoholic...well "what if" he changes because he can
I hooked up with that gal that night..."what if" she turns 12 by my court date
"what if" the cold sore on my lip isn't herpes despite knowing that she had herpes that night...damn grandma
I mean..think about it...the world is filled with "what if" so don't plan on them.
find a partner that is close to you and has similar interests that can negotiate when necessary and ultimately is your friend.
Last thing:
I've written about this before...you must be willing to give to your partner what they need. Ask them what they like...ask them what "does it" for them...ask your partner to tell you what they need. Often times we get caught up in our own crap and our own world that we forget that another person is now part of it.
If you're with a stubborn person that refuses to express themself to you...and YOU are the type that likes when they can tell you about their feelings and thoughts...you need to consider if they are a good fit for you. I'm NOT saying dump them...I'm saying think about your negotiable needs. Do they make an attempt to express themselves? Do they try and connect to what makes you happy? if they do then they are trying to meet you, if they are not and refuse to open up/show themself or give a bit of themself to you...move on. You'll be happier that way.
Learn your partners values and needs...then do what you can to meet them there...in return they will do the same for you...hopefully.
Friday, February 18, 2011
:)
There is nothing more vital and meaningful than living out of the instinctual basis of one's soul. At the same time, listening to the voice of nature in distinction to the conventional voice of what one ought to do, or what is usually done, or what is merely reasonable, takes us off the well traveled cow trails were, venturing into untrodden territory, we might fall off a cliff or get lost.
When I am driving my truck off-road, I am always very happy if there are tire tracks in the ground that I can follow; others have been there before me and probably have found a way through. Nevertheless, some of us have an impulse to go off the collective track, both literally and symbolically, as if following some wild voice.
Thomas Elsner
When I am driving my truck off-road, I am always very happy if there are tire tracks in the ground that I can follow; others have been there before me and probably have found a way through. Nevertheless, some of us have an impulse to go off the collective track, both literally and symbolically, as if following some wild voice.
Thomas Elsner
Monday, February 7, 2011
147. 20/80
"I just don't get it psych! my boyfriend has it all with me. I cook for him and pick up the bill sometimes, I have a wonderful job which allows me to do that. I dress up and am there for him physically in any way he wants and yet, he cheats on me. I don't understand. My girlfriends told me that he was a player when I met him, but it's only now that we're getting serious that it bothers me. Why does he do that?"
Hey there,
I remember this from a movie a while back ago..don't remember which though. There is something like a 20/80 split. What that means is that...in any given relationship that person...our partner, satisfies 80% of everything we need...physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.
(80% of our needs met by anyone is AMAZING by the way!!!)
So with 80% being satisfied....we as people can sometimes fall victim to thinking..."hey, I need 100% fulfillment at all times!" which is NOT TRUE.
Anyways...the problem is that many people think you need to have 100% filled which means when they are satisfied 80% of what they need...they look "ELSEWHERE" and will try and find that 20% they are missing. (WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE)
THink about it. YOu are there for him...you give him everything...you do so much for him that I'm sure you couldn't write down...you are fulfilling his 80%. The problem is that he may be cheating because he is trying to find that mythical 20% that he is missing from you.
ALSO!! it is not your responsibility to fulfill 100%. That's important.
What happens is that often times, the partner will jump ship chasing after what they think they need from that 20% they were missing. The problem? they cheat and jump ship only to realize that they do get the 20% from the other person but lose the 80% they were getting from their original partner!
Think of players. You know...guys that play around with many partners. They in this model are getting 10% from this gal....10% from this other gal...10% from this other, other gal....10% from this other, other gals grandma....etc.
They are splitting and trying to get fulfilled from everyone in so many ways...getting different parts of their needs/wants done in various ways...
People...DO NOT...chase 100% from anyone. It will not be fulfilled by anyone. YOU will be happy with 80% filled.
For my question person....
read my blog-
1. because it's free
2. it will give you some guidance about who you are
You sound like you're helping and giving so much and trying...even to the point of asking a complete stranger for help...You ARE doing what is right. I will not take a long time to address your feelings or value that you hold, unless you ask me to...but I will say this, KNOW your value. know your value readers.
My only question is whether or not he is fulfilling your 80%....or is he only fulfilling your 20%?
Hey there,
I remember this from a movie a while back ago..don't remember which though. There is something like a 20/80 split. What that means is that...in any given relationship that person...our partner, satisfies 80% of everything we need...physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.
(80% of our needs met by anyone is AMAZING by the way!!!)
So with 80% being satisfied....we as people can sometimes fall victim to thinking..."hey, I need 100% fulfillment at all times!" which is NOT TRUE.
Anyways...the problem is that many people think you need to have 100% filled which means when they are satisfied 80% of what they need...they look "ELSEWHERE" and will try and find that 20% they are missing. (WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE)
THink about it. YOu are there for him...you give him everything...you do so much for him that I'm sure you couldn't write down...you are fulfilling his 80%. The problem is that he may be cheating because he is trying to find that mythical 20% that he is missing from you.
ALSO!! it is not your responsibility to fulfill 100%. That's important.
What happens is that often times, the partner will jump ship chasing after what they think they need from that 20% they were missing. The problem? they cheat and jump ship only to realize that they do get the 20% from the other person but lose the 80% they were getting from their original partner!
Think of players. You know...guys that play around with many partners. They in this model are getting 10% from this gal....10% from this other gal...10% from this other, other gal....10% from this other, other gals grandma....etc.
They are splitting and trying to get fulfilled from everyone in so many ways...getting different parts of their needs/wants done in various ways...
People...DO NOT...chase 100% from anyone. It will not be fulfilled by anyone. YOU will be happy with 80% filled.
For my question person....
read my blog-
1. because it's free
2. it will give you some guidance about who you are
You sound like you're helping and giving so much and trying...even to the point of asking a complete stranger for help...You ARE doing what is right. I will not take a long time to address your feelings or value that you hold, unless you ask me to...but I will say this, KNOW your value. know your value readers.
My only question is whether or not he is fulfilling your 80%....or is he only fulfilling your 20%?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
146. Doggy style
The life of a dog:
Love me.
Feed me.
Play with me.
Let me take a crap.
Repeat.
Gotta love that.
Love me.
Feed me.
Play with me.
Let me take a crap.
Repeat.
Gotta love that.
Monday, January 31, 2011
145. Sheet and cardboard boxes
There was a time when you were a little kid that you would grab sheets, cardboard boxes, brooms, lamps, pets, empty porn VHS boxes and build forts. You know what I'm talking about...the little self made "club house" where you would live out your tiny adventures, play with toys and general pretend like nothing else existed outside of that fort.
What happened to that?
You grew up. The imaginative, open, shrek looking, E.T. smelling, popsicle licking, little booger caved in to the pencil pushing, jerk-off that is reading this now :)
Too harsh? maybe...
anyways...I ask you to consider how to get it back. Day in and day out you go to work, play the weekly groundhog day, go home and maybe get a moments breath before doing it again. But it doesn't have to be like that. You can be more than that. You can build your fort where you are the master of it's story.
I ask you to create a space. A ritual area where you can be more than what you thought...make it "bath time" at night...make it, "meditation time in the afternoon" make it so that in your home in the morning or evening, you can zone out and sit in your mind.
Talk to yourself, talk out loud, talk in random voices, practice a southern accent, in your mind create a show where you are a ballet dancer, pretend to be a juggler, laugh, laugh, laugh at yourself. Play in your imagination...
This is your clubhouse, this is your sheet and cardboard tent. Only in sitting with imagination and floating in your head will you be able to truly start finding a different level of connection to yourself and the world around you.
Start today!
Do not think you're "crazy" for talking to yourself..
Do not think you're not "doing it right"...
Do not think you're "above it"
DO think that Psych! is amazing (that's me)
DO think he is sexy...oh wait...
I meant..
Do think that you cannot do it enough...
DO think that it can make you feel more happy and complete
Do think that you have time for it
Do have fun!
Build the clubouse folks...
What happened to that?
You grew up. The imaginative, open, shrek looking, E.T. smelling, popsicle licking, little booger caved in to the pencil pushing, jerk-off that is reading this now :)
Too harsh? maybe...
anyways...I ask you to consider how to get it back. Day in and day out you go to work, play the weekly groundhog day, go home and maybe get a moments breath before doing it again. But it doesn't have to be like that. You can be more than that. You can build your fort where you are the master of it's story.
I ask you to create a space. A ritual area where you can be more than what you thought...make it "bath time" at night...make it, "meditation time in the afternoon" make it so that in your home in the morning or evening, you can zone out and sit in your mind.
Talk to yourself, talk out loud, talk in random voices, practice a southern accent, in your mind create a show where you are a ballet dancer, pretend to be a juggler, laugh, laugh, laugh at yourself. Play in your imagination...
This is your clubhouse, this is your sheet and cardboard tent. Only in sitting with imagination and floating in your head will you be able to truly start finding a different level of connection to yourself and the world around you.
Start today!
Do not think you're "crazy" for talking to yourself..
Do not think you're not "doing it right"...
Do not think you're "above it"
DO think that Psych! is amazing (that's me)
DO think he is sexy...oh wait...
I meant..
Do think that you cannot do it enough...
DO think that it can make you feel more happy and complete
Do think that you have time for it
Do have fun!
Build the clubouse folks...
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