209. Lost love

"Psych, what's your personal view/opinion on pursuing someone whom you know is in a relationship? I know this person who is my friend and I have always had an interest in her. It seemed as though things were going down the right path for us, but she and I both got busy and lost touch. When we reconnected, she shared with me that she had met someone, but I haven't been able to stop seeing her in more than a "friendly" way. I don't know if it is correct to try to pursue something with her knowing she is in a relationship, a committed one for that matter. I don't want to just throw in the towel with her as I can see myself with her in the future."


When I see someone in a relationship, I generally like to think of myself as a fan in the audience.  A fan cheering on my team and hoping that they score (hey yo!).  

Instead of focusing on her specifically, focus on what it is about her that attracts you.  What qualities she has that has caught you.  Her smile? her body? her humor? whatever it is...focus on that.  I don't like to think of a "lost opportunity" when we lose that one gal that we feel close to...instead I like to think that they taught me what it is that I am looking for. 


There are also three different things that you need to think about. 

Her...if she chose to have a relationship with someone else...we have to respect her decision...and wait.  Give her support because that is care.  That is giving.  Cheer her on because ultimately, you as a friend want to make her happy...with or without you.  I'm not saying give her everything and be the nerdy sidekick best friend with acne from any 80's movie...I'm saying you have to find that balance where you can be with her...but also respectful to her choices.

The second is you...she had qualities that you find attractive...that you want in a partner...and to think that no one else in the world has those things is not fair to you.  Not that you're saying that...but be kind to yourself.  You even say, "a committed one..." which tells me that you trying to throw yourself in there is more about you and your needs...not hers.  That's not fair to her.

Thirdly is your relationship with her.  By you crossing that line, you risk losing the connection you have.  Neither good or bad.  It may be worth it as she dives into your arms...or it may not be as she slaps you for crossing that line and streaking across the field in the middle of the game. 

I understand that the fantasy of the "gal that got away" can be a powerful one.  I have to admit that I've often seen myself with a gal "in the future"...but that was a fantasy because all we have is now.  Not then.  I think we've all been trained by Disney to think that our deepest feelings and emotions, when we feel connection, will be returned to us.  But that's not the case sadly.  We have to be sensitive enough to know what we feel in the presence of others...but brave enough to use these feelings in a way that promotes giving...not taking.

I applaud you for recognizing what you feel...I applaud you for thinking about your decision before acting...and I applaud you for being "real"...but more so, I applaud you for giving.