"Although this article is targeted toward men, I am not calling you dummies. It just means I’m spitting the Cliff Notes version since you have very short attention spans.
Two levels of communication. Content and Process. Content is what’s literally being said. “I don’t care if he’s just a friend, I don’t want you to see him anymore”. Process is what the person is really saying. “I feel threatened by your friend”. Content is info. Process is what’s underneath.
The problem is we focus more on content and less on process. If you’re aware of the difference, you will be more “intuitive” and a better communicator. This means you’ll get laid more.
I think men maneuver more on the content plane and women on process. This is why we have difficulty communicating with them. It’s like we’re speaking two different languages. We are hardwired to be more logical and women more emotional. Content = logic. Process = emotion.
I once had an argument with an ex about tinted windows. I was so caught up in the logic of the argument that I completely missed what she was really saying, which was she just wanted to be heard. I bulldozed her with facts about sun rays penetrating tinted windows and couldn’t understand why an argument about car windows made her cry.
Men, it is imperative we understand what is happening underneath. That is the nectar. Words are just skin. For actors, it’s called subtext. You can not be a great actor if you don’t understand what’s happening under the lines. And you can’t be a great friend / lover if you don’t comprehend and address her process.
We like facts. Chew on this. Only 3 percent of communication is content. 97 is process, tone, and body language. So if you’re only focused on the words coming out of her mouth, you only understand 3 percent of what she is saying.
We are not born communicators. This takes practice like anything else. If we worked as hard on our communication muscles as we did our bi-ceps, we would be bankrupt the porn business and make our girlfriend’s friends cringe when she tells them the three magic words every girl wants to own -"
"He gets me!"
(Ladies and Gentlemen, I got this from John he is an amazing therapist with brilliant ideas, theories and stories...)
The first thing I did when I was done reading this was ask my girl if "I got her?" She said to me, "of course...you get me when I don't even get myself." We both laughed and then I thought, how did I get like this? The only logical idea I could come up with was...you, Kami! When we first started talking, you taught me about body langue and what words and ideas mean. I think about what we talk about ALL THE TIME, I read the books you suggest and try to think like you. I run into people all the time and they think I'm so much older. So I would like to thank you Kami for that other 97%!
ReplyDeleteoh no!!! you told her about the mystical blog!!! now she's really going to get a mind's view into me......yay!
ReplyDeleteas for the compliment...all I have to say is this pal. I write this crap on here often and talk crap even more often...it's up to people to actually use it...(usually the brilliant ones)...you know...the whole lead a horse to water but up to them to drink it...it's true...ultimately you are doing it. not me.
p.s. I love ya pal!!!
p.s.s. I miss you hanna bear...keep him honest!
No, I didnt tell her about the blog, this is my thing...I just asked her if I got her. I knew about the horse and water thing, but with out your words of wisdom and your outlook....this horse would be starved and dead :)
ReplyDeleteWow Kami this was amazing to read. I think that was me and my hubby way back when. But we are great communicators now. Its funny because sometimes we know what each other is thinking. I think this is great advice for new couples.
ReplyDeleteI love the honesty Rosa...Love it! I love your relationship with josh..I can remember it from high school...I'm so happy to see what amazing lives you have built with one another...
ReplyDeleteNow you absolutely have my attention rosa...you said, "we know what each other is thinking" that sounds like a soon to come blog topic!