I've been reflecting a lot on relationships lately, as you can guess from my last blog. I've gotten a few different email reactions from it and thought I would take some time to further emphasize the idea of relationships. It ultimately comes down to your own personal growth when you're with another person. Your partner acts as a thermometer for you to measure your own personality with. You must know that you are your own person that is not dependent on another to provide happiness/anger. Your partner is not responsible to make you happy. We must try and switch our minds into the understanding that we as individuals grow outside of our loves.
This is a miracle and curse. As you are with your partners, you are transforming...you are enlarging and growing. But the catch is that this growth and transformation only comes from suffering. Stop and consider the times you have learned a lesson. Most likely, it came at the cost of conflict, loss, sadness, and anger.
This is the problem with relationships or even marriage. Many believe that marriage is an amazing, beautiful, "butterfly in stomach", flowers blooming and sweet scents throughout the rest of our lives...but the fact is that relationships/marriage have NOTHING to do with being happy :) seriously. It has nothing to do with being happy- it has to do with being transformed. Happiness is only a side-effect of your transformation...when your transformation is realized it is a magnificent experience. But you have to give in. You have to yield/submit. You have to give in. Lose the arm wrestling match, submit to the transformation of being with the other. Only when you own your flaws and actively use your partner as a person to walk the journey with, do you find your transformation and happiness.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
156. Relationships...to ourselves
I want to take some time to talk a little about relationships. There is a little secret about them...I know! Come closer....closer.....closer! DAMMIT! your eye ball should be touching the screen!
:)
I written about this before but I want to drive this home to all of you readers out there that are in relationships or are wanting to be in one or hmmm...just masturbate a lot :)
A marriage, a relationship, a lover, a partner, a girlfriend, a boyfriend are a guarantee of nothing certain. We feel that having a relationship gives us that sense of not being lonely, that sense of having someone there, that sense of being close to and in line with another...but what I want you to take into consideration is that the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves. READ THAT LAST SENTENCE AGAIN!
"the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves"
What the hell does that mean!?!? it means that in order to have a wonderful relationship, it is each person's personal responsibility to fix themselves and see where they are individually jacked up. It is not your partner's fault for how you feel....READ THAT ONE AGAIN!
The best thing that can be done for our relationships with others and with the higher level and deeper soulful connection with another is to create a deeper relationship to ourselves. We must make our inner hurt/trauma/pain/love more conscious.
I believe that many go into relationships because they feel that the "other" person will somehow "fix" them. The fact is that the only thing a relationship does is show you your own flaws....it is then your responsibility and individual calling to work on yourself. Our partners are mirrors for our issues.
This is the problem and the solution. We need relationships to help mirror where we are all messed up but at the same time must be willing to accept that our partners are not necessarily the ones making us angry, we are angry as a reaction to seeing them do something against our values...we are angry at ourselves when we see our own issues in our partners.
This is why love is hard. Love is hard because it forces an opening of our inner soul and working to a world that we often don't want to see. No one wants to see how really jacked up and screwed up they are...this is why the opposite of love is not hate, but the opposite of love is fear.
People often times do not commit in relationships because they fear what they will see...they fear having to face their own crap and having to face their own issues. This is what I see in relationships...the health and hope of any intimate relationship will depend on each party's willingness to assume responsibility for that relationship to one's own unconscious shit!
Ghandi once said, "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." falling in love is easy...but truly LOVING another person is heroic. If we really love our partner, we have heroically taken on the responsibility for our own growth, our own journey, our own individuation to be better. If you don't know your issues....do this. Think back to your last argument...be honest with yourself and think about what really PISSED YOU OFF. What really did your partner do that upset you...you have to be willing to admit that they may have done something...but ultimately, you were the one that felt reactive to his/her/their actions.
This is the hard part...you must be willing to acknowledge that they will reflect your issues. Own your feelings and be real. Every argument is a chance for you to grow...a chance for you to see your shortfalls...take a moment to own it and work on it.
Think of it like this...your relationship should be like an airplane flight. You both get on going somewhere and for the flight that you are on...you sit next to one another...that's it. You are still different, you are still two different people...you will still eat different meals, use the bathroom at different times...but for that flight you are on...you share a common goal.
Love is about facing your fear and traveling. It is about sitting next to a person on a flight, not having them carry you on their back. It is about holding their hand willingly, not hand-cuffing yourself to them. It's about you ordering the chicken and them having the fish but eating at the same times...you must grow on your own. You must find where you are jacked up....fly with them....
:)
I written about this before but I want to drive this home to all of you readers out there that are in relationships or are wanting to be in one or hmmm...just masturbate a lot :)
A marriage, a relationship, a lover, a partner, a girlfriend, a boyfriend are a guarantee of nothing certain. We feel that having a relationship gives us that sense of not being lonely, that sense of having someone there, that sense of being close to and in line with another...but what I want you to take into consideration is that the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves. READ THAT LAST SENTENCE AGAIN!
"the quality of all of our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves"
What the hell does that mean!?!? it means that in order to have a wonderful relationship, it is each person's personal responsibility to fix themselves and see where they are individually jacked up. It is not your partner's fault for how you feel....READ THAT ONE AGAIN!
The best thing that can be done for our relationships with others and with the higher level and deeper soulful connection with another is to create a deeper relationship to ourselves. We must make our inner hurt/trauma/pain/love more conscious.
I believe that many go into relationships because they feel that the "other" person will somehow "fix" them. The fact is that the only thing a relationship does is show you your own flaws....it is then your responsibility and individual calling to work on yourself. Our partners are mirrors for our issues.
This is the problem and the solution. We need relationships to help mirror where we are all messed up but at the same time must be willing to accept that our partners are not necessarily the ones making us angry, we are angry as a reaction to seeing them do something against our values...we are angry at ourselves when we see our own issues in our partners.
This is why love is hard. Love is hard because it forces an opening of our inner soul and working to a world that we often don't want to see. No one wants to see how really jacked up and screwed up they are...this is why the opposite of love is not hate, but the opposite of love is fear.
People often times do not commit in relationships because they fear what they will see...they fear having to face their own crap and having to face their own issues. This is what I see in relationships...the health and hope of any intimate relationship will depend on each party's willingness to assume responsibility for that relationship to one's own unconscious shit!
Ghandi once said, "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." falling in love is easy...but truly LOVING another person is heroic. If we really love our partner, we have heroically taken on the responsibility for our own growth, our own journey, our own individuation to be better. If you don't know your issues....do this. Think back to your last argument...be honest with yourself and think about what really PISSED YOU OFF. What really did your partner do that upset you...you have to be willing to admit that they may have done something...but ultimately, you were the one that felt reactive to his/her/their actions.
This is the hard part...you must be willing to acknowledge that they will reflect your issues. Own your feelings and be real. Every argument is a chance for you to grow...a chance for you to see your shortfalls...take a moment to own it and work on it.
Think of it like this...your relationship should be like an airplane flight. You both get on going somewhere and for the flight that you are on...you sit next to one another...that's it. You are still different, you are still two different people...you will still eat different meals, use the bathroom at different times...but for that flight you are on...you share a common goal.
Love is about facing your fear and traveling. It is about sitting next to a person on a flight, not having them carry you on their back. It is about holding their hand willingly, not hand-cuffing yourself to them. It's about you ordering the chicken and them having the fish but eating at the same times...you must grow on your own. You must find where you are jacked up....fly with them....
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
155. Look closer
I'm gonna jot this one down really quickly before my next patient comes in. I want to talk about our ability to see things. Now sure...we can all "see" (unless you're blind...in which case, my bad) but what I mean to talk about is the idea of truly seeing.
What the hell do you mean PSYCH!???? I'm glad you asked imaginary fans...
there are three levels of seeing...
1. Glancing. Most people in live life in a state of glance, a time at which people simply catch a quick look and turn away. As you drive for instance, you are constantly glancing and checking things out...
2. Looking and Seeing. This is when people actually take the time to see things and notice what it is and begin to memorize things about it. The color, the shape, the texture, if they are soft, hard, rough, wet, sticky, smooth, warm and moist (anyone get a sexual feeling from those?....sickos!).
3. Clarity and understanding. This is when you truly understand and work through what the "thing" means to you and how it fits into your life. This is what most people do NOT do. They lack the ability to actively incorporate "whatever" it is into the fabric of their lives, the knitting of their breath.
Now the thing is that not everything will fit into the knitting of your breath, and not everything will fit into who you are, the thing one must do is take the time to try and use clarity and understanding to figure out if things CAN fit into your life.
It is a yo-yo act. You move in and out of things...you connect to and pull away from random stuff....you try....you open up...you pull away your fear and consider the possible....consider the role that you and this "whatever" can do for you. This whatever can be anything...a car, a pencil, a eraser, a new lover, a hobby, a new type of porn....anything! Take the time to find clarity in all things.
What the hell do you mean PSYCH!???? I'm glad you asked imaginary fans...
there are three levels of seeing...
1. Glancing. Most people in live life in a state of glance, a time at which people simply catch a quick look and turn away. As you drive for instance, you are constantly glancing and checking things out...
2. Looking and Seeing. This is when people actually take the time to see things and notice what it is and begin to memorize things about it. The color, the shape, the texture, if they are soft, hard, rough, wet, sticky, smooth, warm and moist (anyone get a sexual feeling from those?....sickos!).
3. Clarity and understanding. This is when you truly understand and work through what the "thing" means to you and how it fits into your life. This is what most people do NOT do. They lack the ability to actively incorporate "whatever" it is into the fabric of their lives, the knitting of their breath.
Now the thing is that not everything will fit into the knitting of your breath, and not everything will fit into who you are, the thing one must do is take the time to try and use clarity and understanding to figure out if things CAN fit into your life.
It is a yo-yo act. You move in and out of things...you connect to and pull away from random stuff....you try....you open up...you pull away your fear and consider the possible....consider the role that you and this "whatever" can do for you. This whatever can be anything...a car, a pencil, a eraser, a new lover, a hobby, a new type of porn....anything! Take the time to find clarity in all things.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
154. gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme
So here's an interesting question....
PSYCH!SENSE question: When dating someone...is giving/buying them things often in the beginning, too much?
Now what the hell does that mean? Okay..let's break it down...lets say you meet someone randomly...oh I don't know...in a strawberry field...you two hit it off and you start dating...
Because of watching way too many damn Disney movies growing up or even actually having both a mother and father that actually made it and are still together...despite them getting pregnant with you in a porta-potty...you end having this sense of what love and relationships should be.
You end up then giving a lot to your partner in the beginning...meaning you buy them flowers every time you see them, you take them on trips to .....wherever....you pay for dinners and treat them often...you see what I mean? You are a complete gentleman, paying for things, sending them flowers and listening to them and getting them gifts randomly.
Now some philosophizers have told me that they find this as a major "NO-NO"
The female philosophizers (one married and one in a long term relationship) both said that when a man does that for a woman, she will most likely become immune to it which will result in flowers at work becoming stagnant and boring. In other words, if you send flowers and gifts to your partner at work often, it loses it's fun and surprise and becomes "boring"
Their solution? Make the woman work for it. Make the woman miss if and yearn for it and then you will have her heart when you do finally send it. They also say that doing it often makes the giver more often to being taken advantage of...especially if they date around a lot.
Despite them both saying, "we're really good women! but we've taken advantage of our guys...until we they get mad and remind us what they do for us." I suppose their opinion is that it becomes less special...(does it always have to be special? as oppose to being just a reminder?)
What do my other philosophizers think?
PSYCH!SENSE is telling me that although this could happen (being taken advantage of)...I feel that a "good" woman (or man) would be willing to acknowledge that they are being given a lot and instead of taking advantage of it...would try and step their game up if they want that person in their life.
I believe a good person who is being given a lot would, instead of taking advantage or instead of becoming "used" to being given lots of stuff...should be willing to look at themselves and say, "hey...he gave me a dozen roses at work for no reason...I should....give him a blow job later" hahahhaha...kidding....kinda.
But you see what I mean? someone who takes advantage of you would instead say, "oh he sent me flowers again....meh....he always does that...no big deal." Am I saying that you should give flowers or give equal amount of stuff in return? no! I'm simply saying that you have to be willing to look at yourself and consider your partner's actions in relation to yours.
True story. I dated a woman for about 2 months a while back ago that LOVED chocolate (personally, I can't stand it that much...) anyways...I would send her chocolate when I could....she would tell me, "Andrew! I don't know what to do for you...I feel so bad that you send me so much chocolate!!!"
I simply told her..."I can slow it down...but instead of feeling bad and having me stop all together...lets try and get you to give back..." so what did she do?
...she gave me blow jobs :) kidding.
Instead she began making me cards and sending hand written notes that I absolutely loved! that was the equalizer.
Remember ladies and gentlemen...flowers and random gifts are nice, not because of the actual gift (well sometimes) but because it tells your partner that you thought of them in that moment that you bought it for them. It tells your partner, "I saw this and thought of you...or...I was thinking of you and decided to get you these." that's the real magic behind gifts...they represent care and thoughtfulness to the receiver.
It must be said that a good woman/man would be willing to ask themselves..."does my partner give me more than I give them?" If so- you need to fix yourself. A partner who is unwilling to look at themselves in relation to their other is living for themselves instead of ourselves.
Again...readers what do we think?
If a guy (or gal) gives a lot to their partner early in the relationship because it's just the type of person they are....they believe in buying gifts and being loving and thoughtful in many ways other than/or in addition to words and physical affection...
Does giving a lot to an early dating relationship create a situation where they end up being taken advantaged of?
or
Does giving a lot to an early dating relationship help them weed out those that are not worth their time if they are taken advantaged of?
PSYCH!SENSE question: When dating someone...is giving/buying them things often in the beginning, too much?
Now what the hell does that mean? Okay..let's break it down...lets say you meet someone randomly...oh I don't know...in a strawberry field...you two hit it off and you start dating...
Because of watching way too many damn Disney movies growing up or even actually having both a mother and father that actually made it and are still together...despite them getting pregnant with you in a porta-potty...you end having this sense of what love and relationships should be.
You end up then giving a lot to your partner in the beginning...meaning you buy them flowers every time you see them, you take them on trips to .....wherever....you pay for dinners and treat them often...you see what I mean? You are a complete gentleman, paying for things, sending them flowers and listening to them and getting them gifts randomly.
Now some philosophizers have told me that they find this as a major "NO-NO"
The female philosophizers (one married and one in a long term relationship) both said that when a man does that for a woman, she will most likely become immune to it which will result in flowers at work becoming stagnant and boring. In other words, if you send flowers and gifts to your partner at work often, it loses it's fun and surprise and becomes "boring"
Their solution? Make the woman work for it. Make the woman miss if and yearn for it and then you will have her heart when you do finally send it. They also say that doing it often makes the giver more often to being taken advantage of...especially if they date around a lot.
Despite them both saying, "we're really good women! but we've taken advantage of our guys...until we they get mad and remind us what they do for us." I suppose their opinion is that it becomes less special...(does it always have to be special? as oppose to being just a reminder?)
What do my other philosophizers think?
PSYCH!SENSE is telling me that although this could happen (being taken advantage of)...I feel that a "good" woman (or man) would be willing to acknowledge that they are being given a lot and instead of taking advantage of it...would try and step their game up if they want that person in their life.
I believe a good person who is being given a lot would, instead of taking advantage or instead of becoming "used" to being given lots of stuff...should be willing to look at themselves and say, "hey...he gave me a dozen roses at work for no reason...I should....give him a blow job later" hahahhaha...kidding....kinda.
But you see what I mean? someone who takes advantage of you would instead say, "oh he sent me flowers again....meh....he always does that...no big deal." Am I saying that you should give flowers or give equal amount of stuff in return? no! I'm simply saying that you have to be willing to look at yourself and consider your partner's actions in relation to yours.
True story. I dated a woman for about 2 months a while back ago that LOVED chocolate (personally, I can't stand it that much...) anyways...I would send her chocolate when I could....she would tell me, "Andrew! I don't know what to do for you...I feel so bad that you send me so much chocolate!!!"
I simply told her..."I can slow it down...but instead of feeling bad and having me stop all together...lets try and get you to give back..." so what did she do?
...she gave me blow jobs :) kidding.
Instead she began making me cards and sending hand written notes that I absolutely loved! that was the equalizer.
Remember ladies and gentlemen...flowers and random gifts are nice, not because of the actual gift (well sometimes) but because it tells your partner that you thought of them in that moment that you bought it for them. It tells your partner, "I saw this and thought of you...or...I was thinking of you and decided to get you these." that's the real magic behind gifts...they represent care and thoughtfulness to the receiver.
It must be said that a good woman/man would be willing to ask themselves..."does my partner give me more than I give them?" If so- you need to fix yourself. A partner who is unwilling to look at themselves in relation to their other is living for themselves instead of ourselves.
Again...readers what do we think?
If a guy (or gal) gives a lot to their partner early in the relationship because it's just the type of person they are....they believe in buying gifts and being loving and thoughtful in many ways other than/or in addition to words and physical affection...
Does giving a lot to an early dating relationship create a situation where they end up being taken advantaged of?
or
Does giving a lot to an early dating relationship help them weed out those that are not worth their time if they are taken advantaged of?
Monday, April 11, 2011
153. Connection - a revisit
okay folks...first in a long time as I've been pretty daaaaaamn busy. But here we go...
A while back ago I proposed this idea of relationships having to be based on four levels of connection. For a relationship to work or for them to last there must be some remnant of these four things.
Physical - Do they get me off in bed? or specifically, "am I physically attracted to them"
Emotional - how do they make me feel after getting off in bed/ are they sweet and nice and caring...blah blah blah....do they make me feel good.
Intellectual - Can we talk about more than the absorbancy power of a sponge
Spiritual - Can they understand and respect my values and beliefs
The difficulty as I wrote before is that often times we only rely on one or two of these things and when we hit hard or rough patches in our relationships, the whole damn thing falls apart. For more detail guys look at my blog earlier called, "Can you hear me now" it's early on....it's a great one.
Anyways....some people have asked me a lot about this theory and would often tell me that they didn't feel "physically" attracted to their partner at first...which got me thinking..."maybe they don't 'fit' that idea"...so after more thinking and questioning people about relationships I think I found another theory that I feel addresses this issue...
I am here to propose an extension and revamping of the original four.
Emotional - How do they make me feel
Intellectual - can we talk about more than the absorbancy power of a sponge
Spiritual - can they understand and respect my values and beliefs
Social - Can my family/group of friends deal/accept/get along with my new relationship
You need these four things in order for the fifth one to "work"
physical - Can they get me off in bed/do I feel physically into this person
So in many cases I propose that you need this new one...social connection... as a means of relationship connection. I realize that many may not agree, but the simple fact is that your family and/or social circle must at times give a blessing to the relationship.
If you have the above four in place: Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual, Social then Physical will then fall into place.
TAAAAAAA-DAAAAAAA
p.s. keep sending your questions to me...I will get to them...also...post your replies by hitting "philosophize"....it grows with your comments ;)
A while back ago I proposed this idea of relationships having to be based on four levels of connection. For a relationship to work or for them to last there must be some remnant of these four things.
Physical - Do they get me off in bed? or specifically, "am I physically attracted to them"
Emotional - how do they make me feel after getting off in bed/ are they sweet and nice and caring...blah blah blah....do they make me feel good.
Intellectual - Can we talk about more than the absorbancy power of a sponge
Spiritual - Can they understand and respect my values and beliefs
The difficulty as I wrote before is that often times we only rely on one or two of these things and when we hit hard or rough patches in our relationships, the whole damn thing falls apart. For more detail guys look at my blog earlier called, "Can you hear me now" it's early on....it's a great one.
Anyways....some people have asked me a lot about this theory and would often tell me that they didn't feel "physically" attracted to their partner at first...which got me thinking..."maybe they don't 'fit' that idea"...so after more thinking and questioning people about relationships I think I found another theory that I feel addresses this issue...
I am here to propose an extension and revamping of the original four.
Emotional - How do they make me feel
Intellectual - can we talk about more than the absorbancy power of a sponge
Spiritual - can they understand and respect my values and beliefs
Social - Can my family/group of friends deal/accept/get along with my new relationship
You need these four things in order for the fifth one to "work"
physical - Can they get me off in bed/do I feel physically into this person
So in many cases I propose that you need this new one...social connection... as a means of relationship connection. I realize that many may not agree, but the simple fact is that your family and/or social circle must at times give a blessing to the relationship.
If you have the above four in place: Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual, Social then Physical will then fall into place.
TAAAAAAA-DAAAAAAA
p.s. keep sending your questions to me...I will get to them...also...post your replies by hitting "philosophize"....it grows with your comments ;)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
152. I mean it....kinda..
PSYCH!SENSE question: if someone asks your honest opinion and you know that it will hurt them, do you say the truth?
I recently had this question and was wondering about it. For the most part, people often say that if it comes down to it, you must be willing to say the truth. But let's be honest...for the sake of the "other" you at times *have to lie a bit.
In fact, anyone who has been in a relationship for more than a day knows this to be true. When it comes down to it...when your partner asks you something...it is automatic that you LIE.
Examples:
Question: Does my butt look good in these pants?
Response: Yes, of course! (I secretly think they look bad)
Question: Does size matter?
Response: No (thank you FRIENDS, the answer is NO and "it goes for both genders")
Question: Do you want to do my sister?
Response: No! you know I'm into your little brother.
You see...we have all been guity of these things before. Many would say you should not lie. That you must be willing to give your honest truth at all times. I would argue that although it is necessary to be honest and truthful "most of the time" you must be willing to tell a lie for the sake or your partner.
It is important to be honest to your partner. VERY IMPORTANT! the difficulty is that there is always a "line" you must be willing to cross should you need to.
For instance, I do not want to kill people anymore...but I will cross my line should my own life be in danger.
I do not want to join the circus as a beaded, yoga, self satisfying, two headed snake handler...but...no..wait...yes I do.
Anyways....
Lets say your partner was recently fired from his job. He drives home, has a flat tire, trips on his shoe laces, breaks a nail and stubs his toe...he walks in and changes into his favorite ragged shirt, that you hate, right before you two go out to dinner and he asks you how he looks...for goodness sake, LIE!
You must draw a line. Many times our partner will be experiencing something in their life and a good partner will take the time to notice that they are "off"
what this means is that when our partners are "off" sometimes giving them an undeserved compliment, or giving them a lie is absolutely needed! I know it stinks. I know it does.
You give the compliment during these times because the compliment isn't about you, the person that gives the compliment, the compliment is about them. The compliment is about giving them a sense of connection and acceptance and love.
Am I saying lie openly? NO! I'm saying draw a line. When needed...to help another...to help them smile...you must give the other person something they need sometimes.
what do you guys think?!?!?
I recently had this question and was wondering about it. For the most part, people often say that if it comes down to it, you must be willing to say the truth. But let's be honest...for the sake of the "other" you at times *have to lie a bit.
In fact, anyone who has been in a relationship for more than a day knows this to be true. When it comes down to it...when your partner asks you something...it is automatic that you LIE.
Examples:
Question: Does my butt look good in these pants?
Response: Yes, of course! (I secretly think they look bad)
Question: Does size matter?
Response: No (thank you FRIENDS, the answer is NO and "it goes for both genders")
Question: Do you want to do my sister?
Response: No! you know I'm into your little brother.
You see...we have all been guity of these things before. Many would say you should not lie. That you must be willing to give your honest truth at all times. I would argue that although it is necessary to be honest and truthful "most of the time" you must be willing to tell a lie for the sake or your partner.
It is important to be honest to your partner. VERY IMPORTANT! the difficulty is that there is always a "line" you must be willing to cross should you need to.
For instance, I do not want to kill people anymore...but I will cross my line should my own life be in danger.
I do not want to join the circus as a beaded, yoga, self satisfying, two headed snake handler...but...no..wait...yes I do.
Anyways....
Lets say your partner was recently fired from his job. He drives home, has a flat tire, trips on his shoe laces, breaks a nail and stubs his toe...he walks in and changes into his favorite ragged shirt, that you hate, right before you two go out to dinner and he asks you how he looks...for goodness sake, LIE!
You must draw a line. Many times our partner will be experiencing something in their life and a good partner will take the time to notice that they are "off"
what this means is that when our partners are "off" sometimes giving them an undeserved compliment, or giving them a lie is absolutely needed! I know it stinks. I know it does.
You give the compliment during these times because the compliment isn't about you, the person that gives the compliment, the compliment is about them. The compliment is about giving them a sense of connection and acceptance and love.
Am I saying lie openly? NO! I'm saying draw a line. When needed...to help another...to help them smile...you must give the other person something they need sometimes.
what do you guys think?!?!?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
152. Licking my wounds
I've had a few responses in regard to love and my latest posts. I thought I would take some time to devote to the recent broken heart.
I believe that ultimately when something "bad" is done to us we often will take two stances. The victim or the victor.
I believe that both exist. You must pay respect to the victim role and the feelings, pain and hardship that being dumped or hurt can bring you. You must respect the feelings of your heart being opened up and your wound being expose. We walk around with a wound from early life. This internal hole that truly does hurt. When we find a partner they fill that wound and for a while they help us see that the world doesn't really blow and that ultimately we are capable of being loved. Now we all know that we are capable of being loved...the difference is that when we find someone that we care for...we fill that hole with their essence...their life and their energy. Our wound begins to scab over...begins to close up and scar over.
When the person leaves it is the equivalent of an internal brazilian wax job...on your heart (wow, I went there). It stings and practically every sad song is a reflection of your feelings.
It is only in time that we are able to put a bandage over the wound that is left behind...that is when you are able to move on.
The victim you see is the one that feels this pain but instead of putting the bandage on is the one that uses this pain as a disease to infect others. They use the wound as an infection that they pass onto those around them...but mostly, the victim is the one who believes their wound will not be filled again. The victim believes that the only person in the ENTIRE world that can fill that wound is the one that they just lost.
This is the difference with the victor. The victor is willing to accept the pain of the wound...willing to hold the infection and is willing to expose it. IT SUCKS MIND YOU. But they know that every broken relationship, every lost love, every wound that is reopened leads them to a greater understanding of themselves and therefore closer to their life partner. You may lose your love right now...but know that every one you lose brings you ever closer to your soul's reflection in another.
I believe that ultimately when something "bad" is done to us we often will take two stances. The victim or the victor.
I believe that both exist. You must pay respect to the victim role and the feelings, pain and hardship that being dumped or hurt can bring you. You must respect the feelings of your heart being opened up and your wound being expose. We walk around with a wound from early life. This internal hole that truly does hurt. When we find a partner they fill that wound and for a while they help us see that the world doesn't really blow and that ultimately we are capable of being loved. Now we all know that we are capable of being loved...the difference is that when we find someone that we care for...we fill that hole with their essence...their life and their energy. Our wound begins to scab over...begins to close up and scar over.
When the person leaves it is the equivalent of an internal brazilian wax job...on your heart (wow, I went there). It stings and practically every sad song is a reflection of your feelings.
It is only in time that we are able to put a bandage over the wound that is left behind...that is when you are able to move on.
The victim you see is the one that feels this pain but instead of putting the bandage on is the one that uses this pain as a disease to infect others. They use the wound as an infection that they pass onto those around them...but mostly, the victim is the one who believes their wound will not be filled again. The victim believes that the only person in the ENTIRE world that can fill that wound is the one that they just lost.
This is the difference with the victor. The victor is willing to accept the pain of the wound...willing to hold the infection and is willing to expose it. IT SUCKS MIND YOU. But they know that every broken relationship, every lost love, every wound that is reopened leads them to a greater understanding of themselves and therefore closer to their life partner. You may lose your love right now...but know that every one you lose brings you ever closer to your soul's reflection in another.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
151. 1 point me...
Lets call this one the ball busting complex.
Lets start with the beginning. What the hell is a ball buster?
Essentially ball busting is when someone has this weird knack in their personality to insult you ("you can't be with her because you have herpes of the mouth"), backhand compliment you ("you look so handsome...when you're not talking") or generally give you a hard time ("oh you again? aren't you dead already?"). Now is there anything wrong with this?
The answer is......NO!....kinda
Psych!sense says that there is nothing wrong with these people. The types that give you a hard time or challenge your every imperfection. The reason it is not bad is because they will call you out of your crap. They will challenge you to reconsider things about yourself...they are the ones that when you ask, "hey does my butt look big in these pants?" they will respond, "yeah...and your face is ugly too".
See what I mean? they will give it like it is. The problem? they do not like to be challenged. They will shrink down in the presense of realness and love.
The PSYCH!SENSE question then becomes...."then what's the big deal?"
The big deal is that sometimes...a person is naturally a ball buster because of their childhood and world and will not have consideration for others or their feelings. What gives a ball buster their power is their ability to have "1 up on others."
When you meet a ball buster, you may feel that they will often insult you or try and call out your flaw as a way to have the upper hand with you. They automatically judge you without knowing who you are or where you come from.
PSYCH!SENSE would say that when first meeting a person, a ball buster will not be open to who they are, but instead will already have constructed a plan in their mind about the person or who they are based off of little information.
They also tend to be the ones that plan out in advance and have preconceptions about EVERYTHING already in their world. Although this is good in some ways, a ball buster will assume the world based on their plan...if things do not go according to plan they freak out...get crazy and get frustrated...and ultimately do not think "IT" is good enough...
see how it works? ball busters have an awkward drive to control and be in control. To judge and off handedly try and get "one up" on people. They will throw the best parties, because they control every part of it....they will have great relationships if they are not challenged too much...they will compete with you on every detail if they feel you will get "1 up on them"...they will make friends with those that compliment their control and big energy complexes.
Do you know anyone like this? (other than me ;)
and again, is there anything wrong with this? Yes and no.
If you first go into a situation where you are making a first impression, whether you are the one with this complex or are partnered with someone with this complex or are friends with someone with this complex....you/they will walk into any situation "looking" for something..planning ahead to the point where nothing is meant to surprise them, but that instead they already have a preconception about the situation. good and bad.
"What do you do if you or someone you know is experiencing the Ball buster complex?"
SLAP THEM! kinda. You have to challenge their or your own feelings of knowing it all. Of having a plan for everything...or worrying about getting "1 up" on others.
challenge yourself or others to let the other "win" to let others get a "point" on you. Because they often will feel challenged by others. Allow yourself or them to act on a "whim" to do something unplanned "like throw a party without too much planning".
Give others, ESPECIALLY strangers, the opportunity to talk about themselves while you stay open to who they are....and also without talking about your "bigger" accomplishments.
the difficulty? many times we/they do not think we are doing this. In fact, we often don't know our own complexes or crap that we do/experience.
My suggestion, although weird, is to think about your relationships...not with friends (well sometimes...) but more so with people that you have recently met. What is your feelings with the recent people you have met? Did they upset you? are you lying to yourself when you say they don't? Perhaps they get under your skin? did they make you feel bad? less than? off? consider recent relationships and connections with people as a good thermometer for your complexes and crap.
There is a need for self-awareness and consideration with others when doing this kind of work...for we are often blind to our crap...you must be willing to consider yours...even if you think it's crap :)
-Psych!
Lets start with the beginning. What the hell is a ball buster?
Essentially ball busting is when someone has this weird knack in their personality to insult you ("you can't be with her because you have herpes of the mouth"), backhand compliment you ("you look so handsome...when you're not talking") or generally give you a hard time ("oh you again? aren't you dead already?"). Now is there anything wrong with this?
The answer is......NO!....kinda
Psych!sense says that there is nothing wrong with these people. The types that give you a hard time or challenge your every imperfection. The reason it is not bad is because they will call you out of your crap. They will challenge you to reconsider things about yourself...they are the ones that when you ask, "hey does my butt look big in these pants?" they will respond, "yeah...and your face is ugly too".
See what I mean? they will give it like it is. The problem? they do not like to be challenged. They will shrink down in the presense of realness and love.
The PSYCH!SENSE question then becomes...."then what's the big deal?"
The big deal is that sometimes...a person is naturally a ball buster because of their childhood and world and will not have consideration for others or their feelings. What gives a ball buster their power is their ability to have "1 up on others."
When you meet a ball buster, you may feel that they will often insult you or try and call out your flaw as a way to have the upper hand with you. They automatically judge you without knowing who you are or where you come from.
PSYCH!SENSE would say that when first meeting a person, a ball buster will not be open to who they are, but instead will already have constructed a plan in their mind about the person or who they are based off of little information.
They also tend to be the ones that plan out in advance and have preconceptions about EVERYTHING already in their world. Although this is good in some ways, a ball buster will assume the world based on their plan...if things do not go according to plan they freak out...get crazy and get frustrated...and ultimately do not think "IT" is good enough...
see how it works? ball busters have an awkward drive to control and be in control. To judge and off handedly try and get "one up" on people. They will throw the best parties, because they control every part of it....they will have great relationships if they are not challenged too much...they will compete with you on every detail if they feel you will get "1 up on them"...they will make friends with those that compliment their control and big energy complexes.
Do you know anyone like this? (other than me ;)
and again, is there anything wrong with this? Yes and no.
If you first go into a situation where you are making a first impression, whether you are the one with this complex or are partnered with someone with this complex or are friends with someone with this complex....you/they will walk into any situation "looking" for something..planning ahead to the point where nothing is meant to surprise them, but that instead they already have a preconception about the situation. good and bad.
"What do you do if you or someone you know is experiencing the Ball buster complex?"
SLAP THEM! kinda. You have to challenge their or your own feelings of knowing it all. Of having a plan for everything...or worrying about getting "1 up" on others.
challenge yourself or others to let the other "win" to let others get a "point" on you. Because they often will feel challenged by others. Allow yourself or them to act on a "whim" to do something unplanned "like throw a party without too much planning".
Give others, ESPECIALLY strangers, the opportunity to talk about themselves while you stay open to who they are....and also without talking about your "bigger" accomplishments.
the difficulty? many times we/they do not think we are doing this. In fact, we often don't know our own complexes or crap that we do/experience.
My suggestion, although weird, is to think about your relationships...not with friends (well sometimes...) but more so with people that you have recently met. What is your feelings with the recent people you have met? Did they upset you? are you lying to yourself when you say they don't? Perhaps they get under your skin? did they make you feel bad? less than? off? consider recent relationships and connections with people as a good thermometer for your complexes and crap.
There is a need for self-awareness and consideration with others when doing this kind of work...for we are often blind to our crap...you must be willing to consider yours...even if you think it's crap :)
-Psych!
Monday, March 7, 2011
150. Sky dive
I was recently motivated by a friend to write this one...
I have been in an interesting place in life. I find myself not worried about much, concerned with much or very much bothered by much. I suppose I feel an awkwardness...a funky love in the world.
now that's an interesting things in itself there...love.
I've written about it before and yet it never ceases to amaze me that the beauty of love can never be expressed or spoken about precisely for all to understand...but by it's simple four letter we all individually "know" what it is.
Love is a ravaging thing isn't it? it demands all of us...it forces us to consider the world around us...angrily or lovingly...it controls us.
I believe this is the hardest part of love. It demands an opening of the soul..of the person. I see love on a few different levels all of which I will NOT get into today. But most amazing about it is it's odd underlying meaning.
When two people are in love, you end up having to expose the worse things about yourself...the most painful qualities you have to another person. Especially hard is knowing that often times we are too timid to expose these things to ourselves...to truly acknowledge that we are not in control of ourselves and that we truly are jacked up...if we cannot accept that...how do we expect someone that we want to take us in.
Both people must be willing to serve to the other. As you give your partner, know that you must be given in return. But that's the beauty and curse. Again, love requires an opening to the soft gooey center within us. The worry about love comes from our inability to handle it...from our inability to grasp it and control it. It is demanding, painful, variable, and if you're not looking- it will get the jump on you and kick you in the ass. Yet love is just that...it is a dangerous and demanding thing that forces us to grow and be punched in the nuts (or boobs). A sky diving rush, where the sting and force of the wind in your face is always more fun than the landing. Having love isn't the rush...fighting...growing and trying for it is. The sky dive is...the speeding down the highway is...the "UGH, FUCK, SHIT, YES, BAM, PLEASE, URGE" is the real rush. You must let love infect you.
Go be in love now.
I have been in an interesting place in life. I find myself not worried about much, concerned with much or very much bothered by much. I suppose I feel an awkwardness...a funky love in the world.
now that's an interesting things in itself there...love.
I've written about it before and yet it never ceases to amaze me that the beauty of love can never be expressed or spoken about precisely for all to understand...but by it's simple four letter we all individually "know" what it is.
Love is a ravaging thing isn't it? it demands all of us...it forces us to consider the world around us...angrily or lovingly...it controls us.
I believe this is the hardest part of love. It demands an opening of the soul..of the person. I see love on a few different levels all of which I will NOT get into today. But most amazing about it is it's odd underlying meaning.
When two people are in love, you end up having to expose the worse things about yourself...the most painful qualities you have to another person. Especially hard is knowing that often times we are too timid to expose these things to ourselves...to truly acknowledge that we are not in control of ourselves and that we truly are jacked up...if we cannot accept that...how do we expect someone that we want to take us in.
Both people must be willing to serve to the other. As you give your partner, know that you must be given in return. But that's the beauty and curse. Again, love requires an opening to the soft gooey center within us. The worry about love comes from our inability to handle it...from our inability to grasp it and control it. It is demanding, painful, variable, and if you're not looking- it will get the jump on you and kick you in the ass. Yet love is just that...it is a dangerous and demanding thing that forces us to grow and be punched in the nuts (or boobs). A sky diving rush, where the sting and force of the wind in your face is always more fun than the landing. Having love isn't the rush...fighting...growing and trying for it is. The sky dive is...the speeding down the highway is...the "UGH, FUCK, SHIT, YES, BAM, PLEASE, URGE" is the real rush. You must let love infect you.
Go be in love now.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
149. You move me
You can feel it with the people you meet. You can begin to feel the wind of something under your feet, in your chest, a warmth, no- a cringe, wait- an inkling...something that grabs you when you meet them or scares the hell outta ya!
When you meet people you will always feel "something" with them...not in your pants gents! but you will feel something that just feels right...what is that?
Now some call that intuition...some call it a gut feeling...some call it energy...
whatever it is we can feel it. We meet people and can feel within us a type of churning, moving and growling within us. We have an amazing ability to feel people out when we meet them. You may find yourself instantly moved by someone, touched by their presence and wanting to be with it more...you must trust this feeling. Allow yourself to be moved or pushed or pulled by them...accept it.
More importantly, know that they in return are moved and pushed by you as well. As we move along in our lives, our own energy and life are too an imaginary force field and power that can push others...find your energy and use it. Your X-men power. Your body, your voice, your eyes, your breath, your love, your hate...let it be heard. Find what makes you happy..find what you can push out into the world and work hard at doing that.
Don't know what it is? ask someone...ask them what it is about you that they like/love/are attracted to. When you get enough opinions..use them...feel them out with strangers and use them. We are so powerful and lovely that our smallest breath can truly push the leaf that pushes the flower that makes a person sneeze...we have the ability to move the world...
you reading this! yeah you. You can move the world...you can move your world around you. Talk to people...talk to others...find who they are and find what they love...when you go to the market make conversation with others...give yourself a goal to say "HI" to 5 people...give yourself a goal to ask someone how their day was...find a story...
I went to the bank today to make a deposit and ended up talking to two bankers there. Outside of the bank, I would have never met them...would have never learned about their children...their loves...the things that make them happy and the things that they are passionate about....and although I may never speak to them again...for a moment in time...we "infected" eachother (not in a sick disease, disgusting way peeps) but in an engagement of world...in the colliding of lives...in a mixing of stories and connection that opens and breaks the monotomy of our lives...
collide readers...collide in the world with others.
When you meet people you will always feel "something" with them...not in your pants gents! but you will feel something that just feels right...what is that?
Now some call that intuition...some call it a gut feeling...some call it energy...
whatever it is we can feel it. We meet people and can feel within us a type of churning, moving and growling within us. We have an amazing ability to feel people out when we meet them. You may find yourself instantly moved by someone, touched by their presence and wanting to be with it more...you must trust this feeling. Allow yourself to be moved or pushed or pulled by them...accept it.
More importantly, know that they in return are moved and pushed by you as well. As we move along in our lives, our own energy and life are too an imaginary force field and power that can push others...find your energy and use it. Your X-men power. Your body, your voice, your eyes, your breath, your love, your hate...let it be heard. Find what makes you happy..find what you can push out into the world and work hard at doing that.
Don't know what it is? ask someone...ask them what it is about you that they like/love/are attracted to. When you get enough opinions..use them...feel them out with strangers and use them. We are so powerful and lovely that our smallest breath can truly push the leaf that pushes the flower that makes a person sneeze...we have the ability to move the world...
you reading this! yeah you. You can move the world...you can move your world around you. Talk to people...talk to others...find who they are and find what they love...when you go to the market make conversation with others...give yourself a goal to say "HI" to 5 people...give yourself a goal to ask someone how their day was...find a story...
I went to the bank today to make a deposit and ended up talking to two bankers there. Outside of the bank, I would have never met them...would have never learned about their children...their loves...the things that make them happy and the things that they are passionate about....and although I may never speak to them again...for a moment in time...we "infected" eachother (not in a sick disease, disgusting way peeps) but in an engagement of world...in the colliding of lives...in a mixing of stories and connection that opens and breaks the monotomy of our lives...
collide readers...collide in the world with others.
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