Q. "Psych! what do you mean when you say keep breathing? is that like you sayin to relax or keep living or something. love your writing by the way, keep it coming"
A. When I say "keep breathing" I'm telling you to take a moment to consider...yes, keep living....yes, yes.
It's all of that...it's a catch all phrase to help all of you remember that you have to learn how to "respond" not "react". You have to remember that breathing can be a conscious act.
Consider this tidbit, we often think of our breath only when we're losing it (working out, surprise, pain, etc) anyone who has had asthma can understand this... so forcing yourself to breathe is a way to acknowledge that which you barely pay attention to despite doing it all the time. Read that again. It's a literal and figurative metaphor. Breathe. Pay attention. Refocus. Live...don't just exist.
Monday, November 12, 2012
230. Friends
The inspiration for this ones from a friend and former colleague/minion who is too cool for me now :)
Friendship.
I believe that friends have two roles and responsibilities. Yes, yes, yes...there are more but ultimately it comes down to two general responsibilities that everything else falls under.
They have a responsibility to support you. They have the responsibility to follow you into the darkness, the responsibility to carry you home, the responsibility to hold your hand when you're feeling lost or down and the responsibility to care for who you are. To give you what you need. To take the fat girl home while you strike out with the hot friend, to tell your girlfriend you've been talking sweet nothings about her all night ;-) To take a shot in the gentlemen (balls) when some guy is trying to grab at them one night on your 30th birthday outside of Dave and Busters. To give you what support you require with whatever situation occurs. Get it?
Secondly, they have the responsibility to sharpen you. What does that mean? That means that they are meant to be a diamond. They will sharpen the diamond that you are. They are meant to call you on your crap, meant to tell you how it is. There is a side effect to this. A side effect to sharpening your friends...you will fight with them. Oh yes...You will argue with them. You will scream at them and you will not speak to them all the time because they upset you. But they are meant to sharpen and expect more from you. This is a natural side effect to sharpening...pieces get broken off ya know? The outside chips away a bit.
Remember. If you surround yourself with people and friends who want nothing more than the best for themselves and their own life, they will ONLY expect the same from you. Their friendship comes at a cost. The cost is you having the same or similar expectations as they have for themselves. When you surround yourself with these kinds of people, the types of people that set bars and aim, they naturally bring that out in us...and they support and sharpen us to be the best we can.
Now. Here's the real catch. Sure I speak about what a friend is. The two responsibilities (Support and Sharpen) but the question comes down to this. I'm sure you're thinking about your friends...thinking about who is in your world...but can you honestly say that YOU do these things for your friends?
Take a real moment. Do you Support and Sharpen your friends? Do you hold their hand and kick them in the ass at the same time? That is the catch. Many can say "yeah...I have friends like that" but when we flip it...are you one of those? Do you challenge your friends? Do you hold them to the light? Do you expect more from them or simply stand on their side chugging beer? excusing their behavior by saying "oh that's just him/her"
Be a shampoo bottle! Support, Sharpen and repeat.
Friendship.
I believe that friends have two roles and responsibilities. Yes, yes, yes...there are more but ultimately it comes down to two general responsibilities that everything else falls under.
They have a responsibility to support you. They have the responsibility to follow you into the darkness, the responsibility to carry you home, the responsibility to hold your hand when you're feeling lost or down and the responsibility to care for who you are. To give you what you need. To take the fat girl home while you strike out with the hot friend, to tell your girlfriend you've been talking sweet nothings about her all night ;-) To take a shot in the gentlemen (balls) when some guy is trying to grab at them one night on your 30th birthday outside of Dave and Busters. To give you what support you require with whatever situation occurs. Get it?
Secondly, they have the responsibility to sharpen you. What does that mean? That means that they are meant to be a diamond. They will sharpen the diamond that you are. They are meant to call you on your crap, meant to tell you how it is. There is a side effect to this. A side effect to sharpening your friends...you will fight with them. Oh yes...You will argue with them. You will scream at them and you will not speak to them all the time because they upset you. But they are meant to sharpen and expect more from you. This is a natural side effect to sharpening...pieces get broken off ya know? The outside chips away a bit.
Remember. If you surround yourself with people and friends who want nothing more than the best for themselves and their own life, they will ONLY expect the same from you. Their friendship comes at a cost. The cost is you having the same or similar expectations as they have for themselves. When you surround yourself with these kinds of people, the types of people that set bars and aim, they naturally bring that out in us...and they support and sharpen us to be the best we can.
Now. Here's the real catch. Sure I speak about what a friend is. The two responsibilities (Support and Sharpen) but the question comes down to this. I'm sure you're thinking about your friends...thinking about who is in your world...but can you honestly say that YOU do these things for your friends?
Take a real moment. Do you Support and Sharpen your friends? Do you hold their hand and kick them in the ass at the same time? That is the catch. Many can say "yeah...I have friends like that" but when we flip it...are you one of those? Do you challenge your friends? Do you hold them to the light? Do you expect more from them or simply stand on their side chugging beer? excusing their behavior by saying "oh that's just him/her"
Be a shampoo bottle! Support, Sharpen and repeat.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
229. Just me
When I first started this blog...I didn't want it to have a face...I wanted to be anonymous...but then...more so recently...I've realized that I've put in a lot of time and work into it. It is filled with my musings from years upon years...when I read back...I can read into my writings as a historical view of my life...cool. I can almost tell you where I was and what was going on in my life at the time of each blog...random.
I even struggled with putting this picture up because people read my blog. It's like...when they make a movie from a book...the image and movie is never as good as the book. I like how the comedian Sarah Silverman said it, "I prefer the fantasy of people thinking of having sex with me...because it'll always be better than the real thing."
Then I realized..."oh wait...I'm doing this for me.....others just happen to read it." So...there you are.
Perhaps...this is the first of many pictures to help journal more. To help put a timeline on where I am in life. Hmmm...sorry readers....more of me coming aboard :)
Keep breathing.
228. Make yourself worth it
Make yourself worth it.
If you are worth it, no one will think that you are "easy" to be with or around. Because the fact is, if you are "easy" you'll most likely not be worth their time. Know that those who think that you are worth it, will not stop trying to be with you. They will push so that they can be with you. They will fight so that they can be with you. That is a painful process...you will lose people with this attitude...you will be lonely at times with this attitude...you will be lost with this attitude...and you will above all else, hurt people with this attitude...fact.
The real question is, are you worth suffering for?
and the answer?
Fuck. Yes.
They want to be with you? They will be...only if they're worth it.
Period.
If you are worth it, no one will think that you are "easy" to be with or around. Because the fact is, if you are "easy" you'll most likely not be worth their time. Know that those who think that you are worth it, will not stop trying to be with you. They will push so that they can be with you. They will fight so that they can be with you. That is a painful process...you will lose people with this attitude...you will be lonely at times with this attitude...you will be lost with this attitude...and you will above all else, hurt people with this attitude...fact.
The real question is, are you worth suffering for?
and the answer?
Fuck. Yes.
They want to be with you? They will be...only if they're worth it.
Period.
227. I don't feel it baby...
She tells me, "I don't feel a click"
What the hell does that mean? It means that I wasn't attractive enough right? It means that I didn't make her laugh enough? Maybe I'm too freakin serious for her? I treated her as a patient? Oh I know, I don't make enough money. yeah...that's it...not enough money.
Sound familiar? Any of you who have been on dates probably have had this conversation go on in your head. You hear the dreaded line "I don't feel a click..." or "I want to date some more..."
What happens? We jump immediately to trying to question who we are. Where we went wrong and what we could've done to be better....to make it work. I'm here to tell you that that action is normal.
But.....
I'm also here to tell you that when you do that...you drop your own value. You question your gifts and uniqueness in exchange for what you think they wanted. That is unfair...and an example of personal character assassination. You just slit your own throat. Great job. Congrats. You've died just because someone didn't want to continue talking to you or having you spend money on them. Great. Your blood is running all over the floor, the rats are starting to scatter around while the flies gather round...good...great. Yeah...you've killed yourself...feel nice? yeah. You get it.
:)
But why do we do this? we do this for a variety of reasons and I will not name all of them but I will list a few...
1. You based your worth and who you are on the opinion of someone else that you don't know. Please remember they are just as jacked up as you are and therefore, so is their opinion. You went running after their approval and when you do that...you set yourself up to fall.
2. You turned into a fortune teller somewhere in the beginning (of the date, of the email, of whatever) and when things didn't turn out the ways you "fore told" they would...it jacked you up. You lost that fantasy of who you thought you two would become.
3. You've identified too much with thinking that you'll never find anyone. Burn out. You've been on so many dates that it is now exhausting, repetitive and boring. What happens when we reach this mode? We turn desperate...and in desperation we then compromise our values and worth in an attempt to find someone...our voice becomes theirs on our dates...their likes are suddenly outs....we try to fit what they want...but when it doesn't work out or they don't call us...we feel even WORSE because we again have no one...ANNNND we've compromised our foundation...our values and core for nothing.
So what the hell do you do?
...masturbation works right? Kidding. Kinda :-/
Anyways...what you have to do is learn to go into dates without intention. Go into dates trying to hear stories and memories. Don't think of it as romance...think of it as another chance to meet someone. Be open and listen. Ask to hear her memories, her thoughts and what makes her smile. Ask to know who she is when no one is watching and try to be a friend...not a date.
When you do this, there are not expectations to be held...there are no thoughts or beliefs to be shattered...there are only two people trying to get to know one another and listening to stories. A holding of space between two random people. Open and relaxed. If it doesn't work out...it doesn't work out...because you went in open to whatever outcomes...not to only one outcome. That is the strength to being open, however it works out is okay. Friendship, love, a meeting of souls for one hour...whatever....the point is you were open. Un-intended.
Oh...and if it does work out...yeah....
You're welcome.
What the hell does that mean? It means that I wasn't attractive enough right? It means that I didn't make her laugh enough? Maybe I'm too freakin serious for her? I treated her as a patient? Oh I know, I don't make enough money. yeah...that's it...not enough money.
Sound familiar? Any of you who have been on dates probably have had this conversation go on in your head. You hear the dreaded line "I don't feel a click..." or "I want to date some more..."
What happens? We jump immediately to trying to question who we are. Where we went wrong and what we could've done to be better....to make it work. I'm here to tell you that that action is normal.
But.....
I'm also here to tell you that when you do that...you drop your own value. You question your gifts and uniqueness in exchange for what you think they wanted. That is unfair...and an example of personal character assassination. You just slit your own throat. Great job. Congrats. You've died just because someone didn't want to continue talking to you or having you spend money on them. Great. Your blood is running all over the floor, the rats are starting to scatter around while the flies gather round...good...great. Yeah...you've killed yourself...feel nice? yeah. You get it.
:)
But why do we do this? we do this for a variety of reasons and I will not name all of them but I will list a few...
1. You based your worth and who you are on the opinion of someone else that you don't know. Please remember they are just as jacked up as you are and therefore, so is their opinion. You went running after their approval and when you do that...you set yourself up to fall.
2. You turned into a fortune teller somewhere in the beginning (of the date, of the email, of whatever) and when things didn't turn out the ways you "fore told" they would...it jacked you up. You lost that fantasy of who you thought you two would become.
3. You've identified too much with thinking that you'll never find anyone. Burn out. You've been on so many dates that it is now exhausting, repetitive and boring. What happens when we reach this mode? We turn desperate...and in desperation we then compromise our values and worth in an attempt to find someone...our voice becomes theirs on our dates...their likes are suddenly outs....we try to fit what they want...but when it doesn't work out or they don't call us...we feel even WORSE because we again have no one...ANNNND we've compromised our foundation...our values and core for nothing.
So what the hell do you do?
...masturbation works right? Kidding. Kinda :-/
Anyways...what you have to do is learn to go into dates without intention. Go into dates trying to hear stories and memories. Don't think of it as romance...think of it as another chance to meet someone. Be open and listen. Ask to hear her memories, her thoughts and what makes her smile. Ask to know who she is when no one is watching and try to be a friend...not a date.
When you do this, there are not expectations to be held...there are no thoughts or beliefs to be shattered...there are only two people trying to get to know one another and listening to stories. A holding of space between two random people. Open and relaxed. If it doesn't work out...it doesn't work out...because you went in open to whatever outcomes...not to only one outcome. That is the strength to being open, however it works out is okay. Friendship, love, a meeting of souls for one hour...whatever....the point is you were open. Un-intended.
Oh...and if it does work out...yeah....
You're welcome.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
226. "I'm scurred"
Fear occurs when we begin to reach our line or bar that we have set. It occurs because we remember something in our life where we failed, were checked very hard or were told that we are not good enough (either externally or internally). It is the point where we accepted our limitation. Where we fell back and said, "you're right...that's enough".
And that, my readers, is BULLSHIT. You have no limitation.
Quick story.
When I was in Iraq, I was blown up a bit and had my knees broken and shoulder dislocated. It hurt. But what this did was influence the way I walk every day after that. I would walk cautiously, I would walk with fear, I wouldn't work out, I wouldn't run, I wouldn't push. Then one day while being cautious, I slipped and hurt them again. Dammit. Exactly what I didn't want.
Over time, and due to bad cholesterol numbers :) My doctor told me that I needed to work out. I felt scared and fearful of my knees breaking again...of not being able to walk at all again. But his reasoning was, the more you work out, the stronger you become and the better you'll be able to walk.
So I started working out again and pushing past fear. I started heavy lifting...I starting running...I started getting back to it and started to change my mindset. Sure my knees hurts...sure they ache and I am afraid at times...but the difference is that I don't let it own me. I don't let fear keep me. I choose to not let fear hold me...I choose to hold my fear. I now choose to treat fear as something that I can see and hold in my hand or on my mantle...not as a shroud or blanket that covers me.
I set my mind to "more" rather than "less". I set it to "push" and "lean" rather than "stop" and "stunt".
Fear = Stunting. Leaning = Growth
Your responsibility is to redefine fear. Recheck and redraw your bars and lines. Continually push your fear, lean towards, lean into, lean over. Make it something that you can hold....not something that holds you.
Dont use fear as a set of earbuds that you can only hear through...use fear as a loud speaker that you can speak through...
And that, my readers, is BULLSHIT. You have no limitation.
Quick story.
When I was in Iraq, I was blown up a bit and had my knees broken and shoulder dislocated. It hurt. But what this did was influence the way I walk every day after that. I would walk cautiously, I would walk with fear, I wouldn't work out, I wouldn't run, I wouldn't push. Then one day while being cautious, I slipped and hurt them again. Dammit. Exactly what I didn't want.
Over time, and due to bad cholesterol numbers :) My doctor told me that I needed to work out. I felt scared and fearful of my knees breaking again...of not being able to walk at all again. But his reasoning was, the more you work out, the stronger you become and the better you'll be able to walk.
So I started working out again and pushing past fear. I started heavy lifting...I starting running...I started getting back to it and started to change my mindset. Sure my knees hurts...sure they ache and I am afraid at times...but the difference is that I don't let it own me. I don't let fear keep me. I choose to not let fear hold me...I choose to hold my fear. I now choose to treat fear as something that I can see and hold in my hand or on my mantle...not as a shroud or blanket that covers me.
I set my mind to "more" rather than "less". I set it to "push" and "lean" rather than "stop" and "stunt".
Fear = Stunting. Leaning = Growth
Your responsibility is to redefine fear. Recheck and redraw your bars and lines. Continually push your fear, lean towards, lean into, lean over. Make it something that you can hold....not something that holds you.
Dont use fear as a set of earbuds that you can only hear through...use fear as a loud speaker that you can speak through...
225. Make it happen
I often get questions about what is "right" or "wrong". They want advice...they want to hear the perspective.
They ask, "do you think I should ________"
or
"I've been thinking about doing______"
or
"Would it be bad if I __________"
These are important questions because firstly...you are asking them. Secondly, because you are taking time to consider and see.
I believe it all ties into intention. What is intention. I don't believe, necessarily, that there is any "bad" act that we can do unless we intend to. So it is not the act that we do...but it is the intention that fuels the act.
If you only do something because you want some sort of credit later...that is "bad" intention.
If you want to hurt someone after they hurt you, that is "bad" intention.
If you act out of a place of hurt rather than love, you are acting out of "bad" intention.
If you only want something in order to fill your own need without consideration to others, you are acting out of "bad" intention.
So you see, the key isn't about the act or the situation...it is about the energy and the intention that drives you to act.
When I think of intention, I think of stretching, intensity and most importantly, will.
It takes so much will and courage to act and decide out of love, instead of pain. To choose and decide because of my will and courage, despite my pain and wants, is the goal.
If I make a decision because I want them to feel pain like me...or if I make a choice to take from them because I want to fill something that I think I need...I am acting out of "bad" intention. I am choosing to take instead of give. It is my will- acting out of pain rather than love.
This is why it is so important to consider your feelings and motives behind your choices and what you want. Are you doing it to satisfy a need of yours without considering the other? Are you doing it because it will make you feel "better" somehow? if so, you are taking...not giving. You are acting out of pain with the hope that you will feel better by filling yourself.
Intention comes down to a choice. You choose to consider feelings, you choose to see perspective, you choose to consider, you choose inspect and keep responsible for your intention.
No good or bad act....only good or bad intention.
They ask, "do you think I should ________"
or
"I've been thinking about doing______"
or
"Would it be bad if I __________"
These are important questions because firstly...you are asking them. Secondly, because you are taking time to consider and see.
I believe it all ties into intention. What is intention. I don't believe, necessarily, that there is any "bad" act that we can do unless we intend to. So it is not the act that we do...but it is the intention that fuels the act.
If you only do something because you want some sort of credit later...that is "bad" intention.
If you want to hurt someone after they hurt you, that is "bad" intention.
If you act out of a place of hurt rather than love, you are acting out of "bad" intention.
If you only want something in order to fill your own need without consideration to others, you are acting out of "bad" intention.
So you see, the key isn't about the act or the situation...it is about the energy and the intention that drives you to act.
When I think of intention, I think of stretching, intensity and most importantly, will.
It takes so much will and courage to act and decide out of love, instead of pain. To choose and decide because of my will and courage, despite my pain and wants, is the goal.
If I make a decision because I want them to feel pain like me...or if I make a choice to take from them because I want to fill something that I think I need...I am acting out of "bad" intention. I am choosing to take instead of give. It is my will- acting out of pain rather than love.
This is why it is so important to consider your feelings and motives behind your choices and what you want. Are you doing it to satisfy a need of yours without considering the other? Are you doing it because it will make you feel "better" somehow? if so, you are taking...not giving. You are acting out of pain with the hope that you will feel better by filling yourself.
Intention comes down to a choice. You choose to consider feelings, you choose to see perspective, you choose to consider, you choose inspect and keep responsible for your intention.
No good or bad act....only good or bad intention.
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