"My wife and I are having some problems recently Psych. I can't help but think that she is just not the same person that I first met years ago. I love her, but the spark isn't there like it used to be and I'm not sure what's going on. What can I do to help us?"
Remember when you first met her? Most likely, you sat at a table or wherever and asked her a million things about her...her favortie color...her favorite movies...her favorite foods....what she likes to read....remember the early times? You were so interested in knowing who she was...knowing what made her...her. You wanted to just breathe her in...touch her.
I believe that over time....naturally...we forget to keep asking. We forget to continue exploring. We forget to appreciate and explore the things about her that are and are not the same. We expect them to always be the same....we expect that although her favorite movie back then was Forest Gump...it now must still be Forest Gump 10+ years later...the fact is that she has changed....and you didn't notice.
I know this to be true because like your wife...YOU have changed...your tastes are not the same as they were when you first met and to imagine that hers have not is not fair. Just imagine when people wore parachute pants and thought MC Hammer was the type of fashion that would never die....yeah...not so much. Anyways, she has changed...you have changed. Take the time to get to know the new her....explore...breathe her again.
You also have to have a conversation with her. Ask her how she feels about the relationship and express to her what your concerns have been. She may not have noticed anything and it all lies with you..which is a different conversation to have.
For now...tell her about your feelings...identify how you feel...then explore her. Get to know her. Breathe her in again.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
211. Take it easy
I believe that in our "modern" world we are continually looking for the quick and easy...the now...the fix. I believe that although many say it is because they want to be efficient...it really stems from fear.
What do I mean? Let's take the lap band for example...I think that people often resort to this because it makes the weight loss that much easier...it makes it so that they don't have to work but can just lose the weight. I also believe the same about certain types of medication...but that's another story.
What happens when you use the lap band is that you lose weight...yes....but as soon as they remove it...you gain your weight back. You never learned to fight...you never learned to tolerate the pain of working out...the pain of new habits...the pain of trying harder.
You let yourself get in the way...you argue and scare yourself "I try to work out...but I don't lose weight..." You convince yourself that the ideal shape and body is dictated by magazine covers.
I know that shortcuts are convenient...I know they can work in many ways...but at the cost of hard work and dedication? it's not worth it. Learn to face fear. Learn to push past the pain...past the fear. Learn to push.
What do I mean? Let's take the lap band for example...I think that people often resort to this because it makes the weight loss that much easier...it makes it so that they don't have to work but can just lose the weight. I also believe the same about certain types of medication...but that's another story.
What happens when you use the lap band is that you lose weight...yes....but as soon as they remove it...you gain your weight back. You never learned to fight...you never learned to tolerate the pain of working out...the pain of new habits...the pain of trying harder.
You let yourself get in the way...you argue and scare yourself "I try to work out...but I don't lose weight..." You convince yourself that the ideal shape and body is dictated by magazine covers.
I know that shortcuts are convenient...I know they can work in many ways...but at the cost of hard work and dedication? it's not worth it. Learn to face fear. Learn to push past the pain...past the fear. Learn to push.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
210. See them
I believe that when people see an ex boyfriend or girlfriend they can fall into two categories.
The "I can't stand to see them because they did......"
or
The "S/he looks great and I need to get back with them...."
Sound familiar? I believe that people fall into the first category of "I can't stand to see them..." because they are hurt still. They may say they're mad...but really...they're hurt. They're wounded. They see this person and the pain of the break up turns in their heart...twists the sharp point and we feel little...small...and not good enough. Even those who take a "high road" approach and feel pity or bad for their former partner are speaking from a place of pain and hurt. They have not forgiven completely.
The "s/he looks great and I need to get back with them..." stems from doubts of your own self worth. It stems from not feeling whole without them....almost like if you got with them...you would be happy again...all would be great like it was. Instead of focusing on our own strength and beauty, we focus on THEIR strength and beauty. That's playing dirty pool. You're too busy counting their positives than your own.
Instead, I offer a third view that many people find over time. A place of peace. Where you can appreciate your former partner for the beautiful being they are...for recognizing their gifts and uniqueness in this sea of faces...but also for recognizing where they stop and you start. This let's you compliment and give to them without expectation...this allows you to feel vulnerable and open with them without fear of embarrassment. You know...the ways I ask you to be with everyone! This comes from a place of giving, a place of forgiveness...you give to them now versus try to fill your own needs and hurt feelings.
You see, there is a need to understand that they are beautiful beings just like you....if they weren't... you wouldn't have dated them in the first place (I hope). This understanding allows you to separate who they are from who we want them to be...and who we "THINK" they want us to be. Did that make sense?
The "I can't stand to see them because they did......"
or
The "S/he looks great and I need to get back with them...."
Sound familiar? I believe that people fall into the first category of "I can't stand to see them..." because they are hurt still. They may say they're mad...but really...they're hurt. They're wounded. They see this person and the pain of the break up turns in their heart...twists the sharp point and we feel little...small...and not good enough. Even those who take a "high road" approach and feel pity or bad for their former partner are speaking from a place of pain and hurt. They have not forgiven completely.
The "s/he looks great and I need to get back with them..." stems from doubts of your own self worth. It stems from not feeling whole without them....almost like if you got with them...you would be happy again...all would be great like it was. Instead of focusing on our own strength and beauty, we focus on THEIR strength and beauty. That's playing dirty pool. You're too busy counting their positives than your own.
Instead, I offer a third view that many people find over time. A place of peace. Where you can appreciate your former partner for the beautiful being they are...for recognizing their gifts and uniqueness in this sea of faces...but also for recognizing where they stop and you start. This let's you compliment and give to them without expectation...this allows you to feel vulnerable and open with them without fear of embarrassment. You know...the ways I ask you to be with everyone! This comes from a place of giving, a place of forgiveness...you give to them now versus try to fill your own needs and hurt feelings.
You see, there is a need to understand that they are beautiful beings just like you....if they weren't... you wouldn't have dated them in the first place (I hope). This understanding allows you to separate who they are from who we want them to be...and who we "THINK" they want us to be. Did that make sense?
209. Lost love
"Psych, what's your personal view/opinion on pursuing someone whom you know is in a relationship? I know this person who is my friend and I have always had an interest in her. It seemed as though things were going down the right path for us, but she and I both got busy and lost touch. When we reconnected, she shared with me that she had met someone, but I haven't been able to stop seeing her in more than a "friendly" way. I don't know if it is correct to try to pursue something with her knowing she is in a relationship, a committed one for that matter. I don't want to just throw in the towel with her as I can see myself with her in the future."
When I see someone in a relationship, I generally like to think of myself as a fan in the audience. A fan cheering on my team and hoping that they score (hey yo!).
Instead of focusing on her specifically, focus on what it is about her that attracts you. What qualities she has that has caught you. Her smile? her body? her humor? whatever it is...focus on that. I don't like to think of a "lost opportunity" when we lose that one gal that we feel close to...instead I like to think that they taught me what it is that I am looking for.
There are also three different things that you need to think about.
Her...if she chose to have a relationship with someone else...we have to respect her decision...and wait. Give her support because that is care. That is giving. Cheer her on because ultimately, you as a friend want to make her happy...with or without you. I'm not saying give her everything and be the nerdy sidekick best friend with acne from any 80's movie...I'm saying you have to find that balance where you can be with her...but also respectful to her choices.
The second is you...she had qualities that you find attractive...that you want in a partner...and to think that no one else in the world has those things is not fair to you. Not that you're saying that...but be kind to yourself. You even say, "a committed one..." which tells me that you trying to throw yourself in there is more about you and your needs...not hers. That's not fair to her.
Thirdly is your relationship with her. By you crossing that line, you risk losing the connection you have. Neither good or bad. It may be worth it as she dives into your arms...or it may not be as she slaps you for crossing that line and streaking across the field in the middle of the game.
I understand that the fantasy of the "gal that got away" can be a powerful one. I have to admit that I've often seen myself with a gal "in the future"...but that was a fantasy because all we have is now. Not then. I think we've all been trained by Disney to think that our deepest feelings and emotions, when we feel connection, will be returned to us. But that's not the case sadly. We have to be sensitive enough to know what we feel in the presence of others...but brave enough to use these feelings in a way that promotes giving...not taking.
I applaud you for recognizing what you feel...I applaud you for thinking about your decision before acting...and I applaud you for being "real"...but more so, I applaud you for giving.
When I see someone in a relationship, I generally like to think of myself as a fan in the audience. A fan cheering on my team and hoping that they score (hey yo!).
Instead of focusing on her specifically, focus on what it is about her that attracts you. What qualities she has that has caught you. Her smile? her body? her humor? whatever it is...focus on that. I don't like to think of a "lost opportunity" when we lose that one gal that we feel close to...instead I like to think that they taught me what it is that I am looking for.
There are also three different things that you need to think about.
Her...if she chose to have a relationship with someone else...we have to respect her decision...and wait. Give her support because that is care. That is giving. Cheer her on because ultimately, you as a friend want to make her happy...with or without you. I'm not saying give her everything and be the nerdy sidekick best friend with acne from any 80's movie...I'm saying you have to find that balance where you can be with her...but also respectful to her choices.
The second is you...she had qualities that you find attractive...that you want in a partner...and to think that no one else in the world has those things is not fair to you. Not that you're saying that...but be kind to yourself. You even say, "a committed one..." which tells me that you trying to throw yourself in there is more about you and your needs...not hers. That's not fair to her.
Thirdly is your relationship with her. By you crossing that line, you risk losing the connection you have. Neither good or bad. It may be worth it as she dives into your arms...or it may not be as she slaps you for crossing that line and streaking across the field in the middle of the game.
I understand that the fantasy of the "gal that got away" can be a powerful one. I have to admit that I've often seen myself with a gal "in the future"...but that was a fantasy because all we have is now. Not then. I think we've all been trained by Disney to think that our deepest feelings and emotions, when we feel connection, will be returned to us. But that's not the case sadly. We have to be sensitive enough to know what we feel in the presence of others...but brave enough to use these feelings in a way that promotes giving...not taking.
I applaud you for recognizing what you feel...I applaud you for thinking about your decision before acting...and I applaud you for being "real"...but more so, I applaud you for giving.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
208. Own it
Today I have to speak.
People will be trying to throw fastballs at me and I will be nervous. I will be afraid. I will be unsure and tired. But today, I will also breathe out loud and take a stance. Today my passion for helping others is being called out...and I will step up to bat.
This is my intention.
I will own "it".
"It" = my own fear, worry, sadness, spotlight, smile, embarrassment, shyness, judgment, former friends, new friends, coworkers, experts, strangers.
I will own "it" because of my passion to help others and give, stands above "it"
People will be trying to throw fastballs at me and I will be nervous. I will be afraid. I will be unsure and tired. But today, I will also breathe out loud and take a stance. Today my passion for helping others is being called out...and I will step up to bat.
This is my intention.
I will own "it".
"It" = my own fear, worry, sadness, spotlight, smile, embarrassment, shyness, judgment, former friends, new friends, coworkers, experts, strangers.
I will own "it" because of my passion to help others and give, stands above "it"
Friday, October 19, 2012
207. Be YOU today. All of you. Pretty. Ugly. Real
Ways to see this quote:
You saying it to someone else..... (they hope)
They saying it to you .... (you hope)
You saying it to the real you that was left at home that day ... (I hope)
206. Find
-Find the owner of the other toothbrush in your bathroom.
Not because you have to...but because you choose to.
205. It feels good
Whatever you're going through...whatever trial...whatever pain...what "bad luck" you're having...whatever dark place you are in...know that it is only one chapter in the whole book. One scene in the play. That hard push before your next water break.
Whatever it is...it will pass. Pull out of your head...pull out of the feeling of being trapped and in that dark place and find the meaning in it. It's not the pain that matters...but the meaning it brings.
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