-Get here.

202. I won and lost?

Something big happened this weekend.  Well...actually a few things did..but I wont get into that.

Some other big thing that happened this weekend was that I won a competition.  I know!  It was a weight loss/fitness challenge called Paleo and Crossfit.  I'll write about these things later since they are not important right now...

but anyways...I won this competition and got a big ol' check, people were clapping and applauding me...congratulating me and yet...during the whole celebration I left.  I walked away.  It was too much.  All I thought about was...damn...I have to do better next time.

Ever notice that readers?  Oh you know...when you beat yourself up for good or bad reasons?  Ive seen people find themselves going through a bad experience or having something bad happen to them and suddenly they feel the whole world is crushing them...they feel beat up, lost and less than....they beat themself up...

Yet...when something good happens...something great occurs....like winning a competition...instead of thinking the utmost best about themselves, instead of accepting the win, accepting the applause...they go back to beating themselves up and not accepting it.  They talk about where they messed up...how they could have done better...I'm sure some of you know people that do this...

Why does this occur?  Why do we beat ourselves up when things are going bad...and then when things are going good...we're waiting for the other foot to fall...great news comes and we wait for the bad news to follow?  why, why, why?

I believe that this occurs because of our upbringing.  Yep..sorry folks...blaming the parents again :)  Somewhere in our lives our loved ones didn't give us that high five that we desperately needed...we didn't get the hug after that horrible loss...they were alcoholics....they weren't there when you needed them...I believe that we had a cracked foundation at this point.  You did not get the love you needed.  What happens when you grow up though? 

well....

We then live our life wanting to get that encouragement and trying desperately to have it...we look for it in soooo many ways....this is where having fancy cars and a hot woman on our arm comes in...we think having these material objects makes us feel better.  We exhanged a pat on the back with a porshe in the garage and think it's the same.

We strive for material goods...get in bad relationships that mimic the relationships we had growing up...we use drugs...we fight...we're angry...we're disappointed in ourselves....we feel never good enough.

sigh*


So what do we need to do?

a few things....this is but a small list but I believe it goes a long way...

you have to accept your story.  If you've been abused, beat, hurt, punched, spoiled, given everything, pampered...whatever it is...accept your story.  When you can accept your story...you can accept that what you went through...despite how painful it was, was only chapter one of your hero story.

the next thing is to practice love.  Read my earlier stuff on love to understand it better...but simply put, practice giving to others more.  When you give, you are telling the world that you are able to support and build others and this results in the world giving to you.  This also translates to family...if something horrible happened or you feel like "they just weren't there"....you have to learn to forgive them.  Because forgiving is the same as loving.

Focus on the product that you ARE....not the ingredients that you WERE.  We've all been through things...but if you focus your life around the individual pains you felt growing up...you are unable to see the beautiful life that you are now.   You are here now because of the pain you have felt. 

and remember that you are beautiful.

What else goes on this list...hmmm...another blog, another day

-My want.

201. How do you know you're in love?

I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After years of therapy and many expired relationships, I don’t see love that way anymore. I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Love is a series of choices. The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principles, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want/need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual. Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she makes you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything.

But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice: to continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey. If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination. Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?

Love is making a choice every single day, to either love or not love. That’s it. It’s that simple. Either to continue the process or not. We fall in and out of love. Even in relationships, especially in relationships. This doesn’t mean we don’t love the person. It means we are left with a choice. There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person) and loving someone (choosing to love that person). You may have love for someone forever. But that doesn’t mean you choose to love that person forever. The choice to love is not a feeling; it is an action. That is why it is so difficult. It requires you to do something, and I’m not just talking about buying flowers. It might mean putting your wants aside. Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not a constant. It is a variable. It fluctuates, depending on where you’re at in your life and what you’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love. Sometimes it is extremely difficult. But at the end of the day, it’s always a choice.

Although love varies, it also deepens. This means the longer you stay on that flight and embark on the journey together, the more fruit the process with bare. Your investment pays off. Your choices become easier. You not only become stronger as a couple, but also as individuals, assuming the love process is healthy - which means you guys are both doing work. The choice to love creates opportunity to hit notes in life that you could never hit alone, and THIS is what makes your choice worth it.

So, how do you know if it’s love? That is not the question to ask. The question is: Do you choose to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a choice. Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as hard as you can. Love with everything you’ve got (your capacity right now at this point in your life). If the answer is no, promise me one thing.

Let the fall make you stronger. 

JK

what to look forward to.

200. Whoa

I've been lonely. Broken. Homeless. Tired. Scared. Depressed. Angry. Quiet. I've been in therapy for years. I've been to AA, NA, Al-Anon. I've been killed (figuratively). I've killed (literally). She's broken me, I've broken her.  I fight. I struggle. I hurt. I write.

entry 200.  Although I don't think this particular number "means" anything, it's a good place to stop and give thanks. 

I don't know how many read this...I don't know who goes through my musings, who picks up some of my thoughts that I've put down...I started this years ago and didn't quite know what it was meant to be.  It was meant at first to be an avenue, a voice to quietly make fun of the world.  It's instead turned into something that randomly in my days someone will say, "hey man...I read your stuff"

When I hear something like that...two things occur...one, I get shy and pretend it's no big deal...and second, I can't help but want to hug them.  I can't help but be thankful.  My feelings have turned into something that people enjoy reading.  Even saying that is odd.  People like my stuff.  HA! They like my feelings?  geez.  anyways...

I give you thanks readers. 

The secret ones that don't comment...the anonymous ones that write me...the people that send me emails with art and pictures in it...the ones that have bookmarked me...the ones that write art to me.

I have more stuff to put on here...and I will. Slowly and in time...thank you, thank you, thank you.

Keep breathing...

199. Keep rubbing

I tore my hands today...literally.

It hurt.

The light trickle of blood came out, rolled down my hands and wrists as I looked up at the pull up bar that stood there, chalked and still... all I thought about was "dammit! I still have another set."

It's interesting, I don't wear gloves when I work out...I know they help with slipping and grip, but the idea of going without gloves is to strengthen your hands and grip naturally and more effectively when you are working out.  It's being naked. 

What happens after time though?  You build callouses.

Now callouses are interesting things.  They are these raised up areas of skin that have developed due to continued stress and pressure...they can sometimes get so big that when stressed more, they tear off...and they hurt, or maybe I'm just a baby.

The interesting thing about callouses though are that they are built natural through a process of work- a process of pain and continued stress.  Rubbing. A process of continued pushing. Callouses are symbols of work...of trial....and I'm not only talking about on your hands philosophers, I'm talking about on your heart.

Every break up, every loss, every trauma, every shake of your foundation, every disappointment, every experience, every laugh, tear or argument...adds to your callouses...builds your self and humbles you. 

Accept your callouses on your heart as they tell your story, count your callouses on your soul as they tell your worth, and although painful....continue building your callouses in your life knowing that one day, they will be tore off again.  Don't worry, that's what they're supposed to do.

Work live out naked.

You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.

— Amy Pond

Source: Doctor Who

197. Dating

In the beginning, we have to go through a dance. We need to step on shoes in order to get a feel for the other person. We also have to set boundaries to protect ourselves. We’re feeling each other out, learning to trust each other. In order to do this, there needs to be a push and pull. It’s expected. But there is a difference between a dance and a game.

Games stem from insecurity and fear. We use them as a shield. A game means there will be a winner and a loser, and if you want to play games, you are telling yourself you will be one or the other. This is a dangerous mindset. Now there’s something at stake. Your worth. Or that’s what you believe which is why you are so determined to win. If you want to play games, buy a Playstation. You are not ready to date.

196. Persona

When I go work out, I put on work out clothes....

When I go to work, I'm in a shirt and tie...

When I get off work and go to a bar, I put on sweet smelling cologne...

When I get home, I take it all off...


Fuck that's exhausting. 

Strip it off ladies and gentlemen.  Be you.  Naked.  Open. Dirty.  Let your gooey inside show...let the ugly come out...that is you.  Not the mask you wear.  The more you try to fit into expectations, the more you begin running after something, the more anxiety you create, the more pain you feel.  Be the shape that doesn't fit into the box. 

What will you lose to do this?   ...acceptance?  approval?  Membership? 

What will you gain?  you, you, you.

...