167. Buying in

Ever hear that line...

"believe in yourself!"
"have faith in who you are"
"you can do it!"


I do not intend to take away from this message but to only help expand it more. When I think about what it means to have a relationship or experience with something, I believe this comes from a surrendering. It comes from a person's ability to give in...to buy in...to fall over in the fetal position waiting for a hand...or not. When we buy in, we learn to accept, we learn to simply accept and be...I believe this buy in only happens when you know your gifts, when you know your cards and play them to the best of your ability. When it comes to challenges or difficulty, know your gifts and buy in to what/who you are. When you can do this...belief and faith in yourself means nothing because your outside world looks like your inside one. Know your gifts, surrender to who you are, push your boundaries and grow.

“When we have a relationship to a particular thing or experience with it - belief/faith ceases to be a factor." -Jung

166. Kissing

-Alex Grey

165. Freedom

What is intimacy? Intimacy is a vomiting of our emotions- a raw, open expression of our feelings. Intimacy demands that you do not hide your emotions, it demands that you live your truth and continually search for growth. She doesn't want lies or cheap paint jobs over real emotion- she is a demanding bitch screaming at us to be truthful when we feel something bubbling and oozing inside. Remember when you made up a reason to break up with your girl because you wanted to "let her down easy", or how about when your husband asked if you blew the savings on a new purse and you stared blankly? Intimacy demands that we share our inner most secrets, thoughts and cracks within ourselves. Have you had real intimacy? Have you told your partner your innermost secrets and those things that you have held all your life? More importantly, have you told yourself?

I've recently had to learn how to be intimate with myself, not masturbation sickos, but an honest expression of what I feel and what I believe. When asked something, I've had to learn how to be more honest and unafraid of consequences...it's been a journey...one filled with pain and discomfort but something that has filled my cup and repaired my engine. When I've been honest with myself, even when asked by others, I'm repairing my engine...when I live my truth, I'm tuning my intimacy dial and when I do this, I'm free. This freedom is the matching of my internal car engine to the sexy racing stripes on the outside.

For those of you who lie about where you have been or what lies underneath that shiny smile of yours, you are just a new paint job on a junkyard car...a shiny overcoat on a piece of shit. Although it hides your broken engine, it doesn't get you anywhere. You never paint the car until you've fixed the engine- because even though the outside still has gun shot holes and mix-matched paint, it will absolutely roar. Being intimate with yourself and others is your fixing the engine, it's you working on your engine and asking others to jump in for a ride.

Fix your ride, paint it later.

-Psych!

164. Shadow

We often strive to be the "best person" we can be...the person that is "whole" and "complete"...the person who is above all, good. Yet we all carry things that we are embarrassed or ashamed of... little secrets that we've never told anyone, sad stories, trauma or cracks within our lives, we'll call these our shadow. Your shadow is what you carry around and notice within other people. It is that thing where our worries live, our pain resides and haunts us. Remember cheating on your girl/boyfriend? remember hurting someone? bullying another? stealing? lying? That is our shadow.

The problem is that most people try and repress/hide the shadow. They refuse to allow it to come out usually because of fear. As painful as these past memories are of we've done or had done to us- they are in itself a gain- because what is "inferior", "hidden", or what I deem as "worthless" belongs to you as your shadow and it gives me substance and mass. How can I be substantial if I fail to cast a shadow? Just like star wars, you must have a dark side also if you are to be whole; and inasmuch as you know that you walk with a shadow you can start to accept yourself as human like any other.

When you acknowledge your true self, good and bad, when you live your truth and form one with your shadow, you become free. You've become whole in your ability to be honest and true, continually searching for your wholeness. This aligning leads to honesty, honesty leads to growth and growth leads to freedom. Allow yourself to be free.

-Psych!

163. Closure

Many believe they need to close a chapter before opening a new one. They see closure as a cleansing, a washing away, and they don’t allow themselves to move on until what is preventing them from moving on has completely dissolved. But if that’s the case, wouldn’t closure stunt growth? Not allowing yourself to push forward until you have let go of the past becomes a dam, a missed fallen domino piece, quicksand. According to this definition, closure will keep you closed.

I believe closure is having the ability to transition, walking after that crippling event or relationship. Closure then is courage. Closure is not allowing what happened to have power over you, determine who you are, or how you want to live your life. That piece of your story contributed to your journey. It is polish. Not tarnish. Closure doesn’t have to mean forgetting about or erasing memories.

The events that have happened to us, the relationships we have been through, they are valuable. To hope they didn’t happen or push them away is not closure. That is denial. Closure means to accept, learn from, but most importantly begin again. Closure means to walk and it is a bridge, not a door

162

I think about where I've been in the last year and reflect on the loneliness i feel now. It's sprung (sprang?) on me strongly with it's talons out and I don't know why. I know I miss her. her ability to accept me as whole and who I am not only built me, but made me feel invincible. The quiet intimate places we went, the ability to share my secrets and have her trust and hold them. More than anything, I miss the rituals, I miss the breakfast, the coffee, the daily things that she would always tell me made her happy. I think about this last relationship and cant help but remember how she made me feel like superman (because batman sucks :)

Your relationships must breathe invincible. She has to make you feel stronger than "the other" more powerful than "the other" like you are her world...when they can do this to you...well...let me take that back...because we don't see relationships as they are...but as we are...finding the right person will allow you to feel that much more whole...our life sidekicks (partners) can help us breathe in the sweet nectar of life...they fill us with a sweetness and help us fly.

Thank you for reminding me how sweet life tastes...

161. "Return Fire"

160.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

159.

I, I can't promise you
that I won't let you down
And I, I can't promise you
that I will be the only one around
when your hope falls down

But we're young, open flowers in the windy fields
of this war-torn world
And love, this city breathes the plague
of loving things more than their creators

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land means less and less to me
without you breathing through its trees
At every turn the water runs away from me
and the halo disappears
and the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

159. Soon

Soon readers...soon