Dear Abby oops I meant PSYCH!,
I have not had the best luck with men lately. They either tell me, "let's be friends, let's just hook up or stop calling me." I don't get it. I'm intelligent, funny and I know that I'm decent looking, well that's what my friends tell me. I find guys but sometimes they just are not what I want in my life. What can I do to attract and keep a boyfriend?
....ahhhhhhhhh.....the questions of relationships...sigh...I can give you advice but most likely you'll end up like me...single, lonely but yet still amazingly sexy. But let's talk about this anyways...also...you may get some answers as well from my other blog "can you hear me now?"
there are a few things to keep in mind here. Values and Needs and Drives.
Value: When I say value I'm talking about your own person. What do you hold dear to yourself. For example, I myself value integrity (the ability to do the right thing when no one is watching), or courage (the ability to do the right thing when no one is doing the right thing)....it's things that you hold true and try to follow yourself. You must explore your own boundaries, lines and things that you hold dear.
For example, I value honesty. As I practice it I must not sacrifice this for the sake of another..now yes we all know this...but truly how many of you have given up something you value for the sake of a booty call? be real. PSYCH!SENSE tells us that we tend to try and match the other person's personality as much as possible...but instead of giving up your own values..find where your values and theirs overlap. Yes sacrifices must be made at times but not values. DO NOT give up your value...because if you are willng to give up your values how much of a value were they in the first place...and if you are willing to give them up for him...imagine what else he can take from you.
Needs: This was told to me by my friend when she was looking for a guy. She told me that you must be willing to list the qualities that you want in another person, if the person you are dating can meet 80% of them...that's a keeper.
Here's a for example list:
Dancer
Book smart
Taller than me
Third leg
Half Japanese Half Mexican with all the girth
Makes me laugh
Holds me tightly
Kisses me randomly
I wake up sore ;)
etc...but be careful with this list. If the guy you meet isn't very ...uhm...open or considerate of perspective (most likely because he hasn't been reading this blog enough...or hasn't worked out his issues yet) he may get offended that you are dating based off a list. Is this wrong? yes and no...yes because your partner should be more than a list of 20 characteristics (that surprisingly match me) your list should be an outline ultimately checking to see if the 4 levels of connection (see my blog on "can you hear me now") exist. No, because you must have a working outline of the things that matter to you. No exceptions. Be strong enough to acknowledge what you need in your life and strong enough to ask for it. What do you deserve? everything you want! (although it doesn't always work out that way)
Drives: Finally you must be doing these things everyday! or close to. Refer to Dr. Henry Murray regarding personality drives if you want more information. But we all must do these things daily and find a partner that can help us do the things on here that we are not doing daily. HUH?
in other words, read the list, find what you do daily and find a partner that can help you do the rest....and vice versa too!!! you should be fulfilling their needs, values and drives as they are fulfilling yours.
Abasement To surrender and submit to others, accept blame and punishment. To enjoy pain and misfortune.
Achievement To accomplish difficult tasks, overcoming obstacles and becoming expert.
Affiliation To be close and loyal to another person, pleasing them and winning their friendship and attention.
Aggression To forcefully overcome an opponent, controlling, taking revenge or punishing them.
Autonomy To break free from constraints, resisting coercion and dominating authority. To be irresponsible and independent.
Counteraction To make up for failure by trying again, seeking pridefully to overcome obstacles.
Defendance To defend oneself against attack or blame, hiding any failure of the self.
Deference To admire a superior person, praising them and yielding to them and following their rules.
Dominance To control one's environment, controlling other people through command or subtle persuasion.
Exhibition To impress others through one's actions and words, even if these are shocking.
Harm avoidance To escape or avoid pain, injury and death.
Infavoidance To avoid being humiliated or embarrassed.
Nurturance To help the helpless, feeding them and keeping them from danger.
Order To make things clean, neat and tidy.
Play To have fun, laugh and relax, enjoying oneself.
Rejection To separate oneself from a negatively viewed object or person, excluding or abandoning it.
Sentience To seek out and enjoy sensual experiences.
Sex To form relationship that lead to sexual intercourse.
Succourance To have one's needs satisfied by someone or something. Includes being loved, nursed, helped, forgiven and consoled.
Understanding To be curious, ask questions and find answers.
p.s. if all this doesn't work...I can sell you my friend's password to porn sites...ahh...I value honesty...it's my password. I can also make a suggestion to just be their friend, screw them or just stop calling them all together.
All this is so much easier said than done! Once you have your list made up, it's really difficult finding someone that meets even 80% of the qualities listed. Sometimes you gotta just be and it ends up happening when you least expect it. It ends up finding you when you're not looking for it.
ReplyDeleteI understand that sometimes you get tired of meeting the wrong people and end up settling for whatever comes along, like PSYCH!SENSE says, sacrifice but don't give up your values. When you settle, you're not being true to the other party involved, but most importantly you're not being true to yourself which in turn can lead to you compromising your values. It's a difficult thing to do, but it beats being disappointed by yet another failed relationship.
It certainly is hard. It is very very very hard. This is exactly why though you must be willing to wait. Yes I know you know that...as we all do but they are out there. Out future partners are out there. So you are right...let it find you.
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