I've gotten quite the opposite responses on this one. So I throw it out to the readers who try and keep up with my PSYCH!SENSE stuff. Here is the question:
PSYCH!SENSE question: Can you be friends with your ex?
Lets say you have been with your ex b/f or ex g/f for 2 years or so...you guys have a huge break up but it was done out of mutuality (if that exists). Meaning...you didn't want him/her and she didn't want you either. They suddenly pull out the "lets be friends card" ...we've probably all heard that one...or given it to someone...or written a song about it...but I bring it up because if the person who gets that card is not ready for it...damn...the one giving it should have just said, "hey you piece of horse manure, grass eating donkey ball licking sucky sucky five dollar son of a bitch....help me move today"
When the one receiving this message to be friends is not ready for it...it can be heart wretching...why? because it hurts us.
PSYCH!SENSE tells me exactly what one of my philosophers told me..."when someone is that close to you that they learn and know things about you that your friends don't know...you are vulnerable...when they leave...you are left hurting and with scars."
I agree, with a different example...When you build a relationship they know so much about you...they begin to fill the scars and holes in your soul and heart with their own energy and love. They "complete" you (austin powers). When they leave, those holes and scars are left empty again. and sex was probably awesome.
Time passes and they want to be friends again...but our scars and holes remember the joy that it once had to be with that person...but ultimately the pain they created as well.
I've heard mixed answers on this one. Many women say that they can continue to have the ex as a friend...but many guys will say the opposite. Women want to prolong the emotional support from anyone...they want the ability to bounce between friends in their life journey who can provide help in any way possible. Men I feel do not have this type of feeling. Men instead have the ability to break ties with people, although it hurts, in order to self preserve themselves. I'm not saying that the two roles cannot interchange but I am saying that a majority of the gender think this way (yes it is a generalization!).
Here is PSYCH! opinion. In fact I think I read this somewhere too...but whatever..i'll take credit for it until someone corrects me...
I've had a girlfriend that was still friends with her ex...now at first it was difficult for me because I always thought to myself..."FUCK! he just wants to wreck that piece o' booty..." but because I pride myself on being a PSYCH!SENSE philosopher I try and consider perspectives and alternative opinions. THis is what helped me. I told myself..."she once loved this person..and still does but in a different way...and despite their break up she will keep him close and choose what part to keep close to her heart...instead of getting pissed off...I realized that for the time being...she chooses me...completely and fully...if she is connected like this to her ex...imagine how amazingly loving and beautiful she can be when she is with me."
...the fact is that we must be willing to acknowledge that a woman will keep the parts of things she wants in her life...and discard the rest. If she still holds connection to her ex...but chooses you to be her world...how lucky are you?
I once had a patient tell me about her boyfriend that always wore a watch that his ex gave him when they were together but later broke up. Mind you that he never spoke to her after they broke up but...he did wear her watch because he liked it and my patient found it hard to accept that he still had a piece of her. I can remember telling my patient..."it sounds as if he's a smart man....he chooses the things he likes and discards the things he doesn't...and right now...he chooses you completely." They ended up getting married.
This is my next challenge to the readers...how emotionally stable are you? although being a friend with an ex is difficult...many times...impossible...what level of friendship and what level of connection do you want to have with this person? I'd like to think that someone who is trying to be stronger and a more balanced person could try and fill a role or a part of their ex's life...if that ex can do the same for you...can your ex fill a role or part in your own life as well...if not? then why be friends?
You must be willing to be honest with youself and respectful to what your own soul is telling you. Be honest with yourself..if it's too hard for you...don't do it. You may not be ready...you may need years upon years to get over her...If you can find a place to try and be part of their life...try it. Just remember this isn't for everyone as it can also be seen as torture if you too it too soon. Find your line and walk it...lean over your edge but don't cross it.
or
when they say, "can we be friends?" you can just say, "FUCK YOU!"
oh yeah..questions for the philosophers...can you be friends with your ex?
ReplyDeleteWho said you can't just say "FUCK YOU." Your breaking up for a reason I say you each go your own separate way.
ReplyDeleteYou can be friends with your ex, but depending on how things ended, and how long the relationship lasted may determine how long it could take for that friendship to develop. I TOTALLY get why it would bother a new significant other if their current partner is still friends with their ex, but I think what you said was beautiful "instead of getting pissed off...I realized that for the time being...she chooses me...completely and fully...if she is connected like this to her ex...imagine how amazingly loving and beautiful she can be when she is with me." People would be surprised at how a little reassurance can go a loooooonnng way! Be honest with your bf/gf about your ex, the reason why it didn't work out and that they are your ex for a reason. You also have to make it clear to your ex that you have a new person in your life. I think as long as everyone is aware of each other it makes the situation a lot better and easier.
ReplyDeleteNope can't happen. Women might think they're friends with their ex, but the dude either doesn't agree or can't get over her and is trying to work an angle.
ReplyDeleteare we finding that women find it okay to have an ex as a friend and men the opposite?
ReplyDeletemaybe you're right. That could be a trend. However it wasn't until recently that I began to feel that way. I agree that the ex might have an ulterior motive as to why even be friends in the first place, however but because you became so close to that person in your relationship, there's a reason why you want to keep them in your life. Perhaps they weren't a total a-hole during and after the relationship so even if they still have all these lingering feelings doesn't mean they're going to act on them.
ReplyDeleteAlways consider the reasons for which you hold on to people. ex or friend. What is their role? more so..what do they fulfill in your life? and if they fill something that someone else can do...do you keep them around? What does your ex feed in you? and nurse within you?
ReplyDeletesome people are able to move on and be friends with an ex
ReplyDeletebut another question... can your current significant other accept that you are friends with your ex?
I hear a blog topic!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I am normally a "be friends" kinda guy. I have learned how to separate the platonic from the romantic feelings - as many men do. However, when you truly care and are entrenched in a relationship with someone then it is, by definition, a state in which you are vulnerable to them. That trust and vulnerability is what separates the platonic from the intimate.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I don't believe its necessarily possible to maintain vulnerability and trust post-relationship. I'll give you two examples.
1. I dated a girl for about two years. She did everything horrible imaginable to me. I fought through everything for her - from a messy divorce from her abusive husband to her outright cheating on me with a friend of mine. Long story short, we tried to make it work and it didn't. Most men would say "fuck you" and walk off. But as I believe relationships should first be built on friendship, and she understood that she was wrong in a lot of aspects (and yes, I had some fault in things as well) she gave me the space to breathe and ultimately to heal. I grew from the experience and so did she so I don't see it as a waste. She and I still talk at least once a week but it took almost a year for us to be okay again. I fully believe its because she understood that wounds need to heal. Time has to pass so the wounds aren't fresh.
2. Recently, I dated another girl. This girl I've known since I was... 14? Anyway, she's always had a thing for me and me for her. Just circumstances never really made it that simple. However, now that I'm 26 and she's 23 we did give things a try. She didn't really enjoy the relationship. maybe the build up was better than the reality of things. I dunno and ultimately I think its irrelevant. She texted... yes not even a phone call... to tell me she was seeing someone else. I asked to speak to her and she said she couldn't because she was busy. So I wished her well and told her I hoped she would be happy and went on my way.
Is this the sort of situation that you can build a friendship from? I believe its possible, as I said... time heals wounds. And I am tough emotionally.
However, is it fair for her to call me two days after breaking up with me over texts and leave me messages about how she misses me, her best friend? About how nobody else gets her like I do? (On a side note: I get this comment a lot from women but I can't help but note to myself that they don't seem to understand how I think) Or that she put it on me that I was being selfish and... God forbid... take time for myself to heal? These phone calls/texts went on for about a month before they finally stopped. Maybe I could've handled it better but I needed time for me. I clearly wasn't good enough for her to date but I was good enough for her to dump all of her stuff on. Perhaps that's the difference. Rejection.
If I were interviewing for a job, what she did would be the equivalent of telling me that I am well qualified for the job and have all the traits that they are looking for but they are going to hire someone completely under-qualified, has a history of drug abuse, and psychosis. And on top o that, continue to call me to tell me about how good of a candidate I am but to also remind me that I won't get the job.
In short, its rarely as simple as saying "yeah you can be friends" or "fuck you." But if you want to develop a friendship after, inquire about it and then allow him time to heal. Carpet bombing someone with calls and texts doesn't make us feel wanted. It just reminds us of what a reject we are to you.
@dyna you have just pwned them. Period.
ReplyDelete