To PSYCH!SENSE writer, I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 5 months now. We still have the heat and chemistry and still fuck like bunny rabbits. I really love this woman and I know she loves me but she is getting expensive! When we go out I end up taking out my wallet, when she gets a food craving, I end up taking out my wallet, when we go to the mall and she sees something she likes, you get the idea. I mean I know in the beginning it's my job to do it, but as she gets paid more than me and does not like for me to make her something to eat at home- what can I do? Using your language, can the next PSYCH!SENSE question be, "when should your girlfriend start to pick up the bill for things?"
p.s. what does the word PSYCH!SENSE mean by the way? is that some sort of psychological term?
p.s.s. I love the way you smell (this is the only thing I may or may not have added)
Now this is a really good question...the answer? when you tell her to start doing it. Ta da!
also! actually I made up the word PSYCH!SENSE. It's supposed to be my made up word for when I start to feel the deeper answer to psychology. It's my Spidey-sense, you know...when in danger spiderman's spidey-sense buzzes to warn him...my PSYCH!SENSE is used when I start buzzing about interpretation or understanding...
on to the question:
We are absolutely in a very interesting time in life. We have women that are independent, make their own money, have their own things yet will throw up their "traditional" card when it's convenient. "Pay the tab, kill the pig, open my door"....if not then they complain "there are no good men out there!" despite their ever growing drive to hook up with the tatoo, cheating S.O.B. who treats them like crap and "save the bad boy" instead of dating the sexy blog guy...I mean the nice guy. ugh...i'll blog about that another day.
Dont worry ladies...guys have a similar card...it's called the baby card. We are tough and strong and want to be in charge...but "goo goo ga ga take care of me" :( I will also blog about this later.
so anyways...women I feel are torn between the idea of wanting to be traditional and their "modern" independent beliefs. In your case, I don't know if she foots the bill ever but I would start to question your roles...think about it!
You guys go out and you pay, she may sleep over wake up and say, "i'm hungry...take me to denny's" ...you said you "fuck like bunny rabbits" so I would start to question your role...is she your prostitute?
I don't mean to be rude..but if the most you are getting from her is sex...you could probably save yourself some money by going to those sexy asian massage places...like the one on Colorado and Eagle Rock...oh yeah...they treat you well..they know what makes a man happy...anyways...
What can also bug us guys is the idea that many times women will play the "traditional" card when it suits them best. She may not realize that she is doing that...which means...it comes off to us guys as her expecting us to do it.
Trust me, sometimes the hardest part and most annoying is that they begin to expect it. They will not make an attempt...they will not reach for the purse but when the bill comes they are halfway out the door while you pay. Many times if she would at least be willing to reach for her purse that can help us feel better. In fact, it's the attempt or willingness ladies!
Like having a roommate! You buy all the food but they eat it all and don't put out any money. If you guys split the electricity, they end up leaving their computer on all day and all the lights on..but insist on splitting the bill down the center. They fill up the trash bag but will wait for you to take it out. must be real nice!
so here you are:
On intimacy: Intimacy is when two people consciously choose to serve one another.
This means both make a conscious attempt to understand what the other is experiencing and doing. They must be willing to serve you in exchange...not sexually because in that scenario both are being served...but truly consider what your partner is doing in service to you. What does she do for you? If you are paying all the time, she must be willing to understand that it is a partnership and dance that you both must be open to.
On investment: A clear representation of Investment is the active redirection of resources/assets (emotional and physical) to creating benefits in the future for both. In other words, "I'm giving this to you and us because I want us"
How much is she investing in your relationship, physically and emotionally, and how is she showing you that she feels a future? This is why buying a dog or cat together can be stressful because it means you two are making a committment to take care of it and invest equally into it. Even little things as her paying for the bill every so often can be an indicator of her investment in your relationship.
On courtesy and being a lady or gentleman: The conscious attempt to make others around you as comfortable as possible. In other words, "what more can I do to make you feel better?"
Your partner must be willing to question their actions in relation to yours. They must think about your needs as well...for example:
THIS IS THE MORE PG EXAMPLE (DON'T READ THE NEXT EXAMPLE IF YOU ARE SEXUALLY SENSITIVE)
If you are eating together at home and they pick up your dirty plates and take them/wash them. They are being courteous to you.
THIS IS TOTALLY GROSS EXAMPLE...DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SEXUAL IMAGE!
like when you are totally going at it from behind and right before you pop you pull out and finish on her back(we know that's happened)...it's courtesy to clean her up.
You must be willing to speak up to her, express your concerns clearly and be honest with your feelings. If it is bugging you that much...approach her with it. DONT BACK DOWN! Depending on her reaction to your approach you'll know what type of woman she is and if she is willing to take her game and your relationship to the deeper level. Who knows you may find out that she is a money hungry girl that is used to guys taking care of her and all her needs, which is okay if you want that.
Also consider how that can change your relationship and your own feelings as well. We guys do have this weird macho thing about paying for the bill..if she started to pay for the bill more would you feel less of a man? ouch! you may...but that isn't bad...it's just something that you have to work through.
Let me add this one tid bit from personal experience. I usually pick up the bill until she is willing to say, "No I got this one"...and kinda fights me for it. I find that this and most guys would agree, that this is extremely sexy...that tells me that she is willing to invest into us and although I will not expect her to pay for all the things to come...her making this gesture tells me how much of a higher level woman she is. This symbolic act is an example of her willingness to invest in us, her courtesy and respect for me pickign up past tabs, and her willingness to show me she is invested for a future together.
Nice!!!! I had that same issue when i was dating. We do live in a age in time when the gentlemanly thing to do is such a grey area that is hard for a man to know when its ok to pay the bill, and its easier for woman to pull the old fashion card whenever its convinient for them. And i know that some woman will call me a dick, but the way i see it you cant have it both ways. Eather you want a man that picks up the bill ALL THE TIME, (means you have to do all the old school stuff that comes along with that. You know washig clothes, cleaning the house, and cooking), or you want a new age man that will help you do all thouse thing but that also mean that as a woman you have to consider paying half the time. Come on girls cant have your cake and eat it too all the time. Im happy to say that as a married man i can honestly say that my wife and i had this discusion early in our relationship and even though we BOTH picked up the bill from time to time, we mostly split all bills and all chores for that matter. Ok this comment is getting really long. Im out!!!
ReplyDeleteThe dumb Jock.
I don't kill pigs!!
ReplyDelete@"The dumb Jock" let me simply say that I was aboslutely floored with your comment. I loved it!!! I was laughing my bootay off!! I think you hit it on the head...well done, well said, and well thought. You did well in comparing the two schools...and even adding your own story there...love it!! "Come on girls cant have your cake and eat it too..." It's sooo true! which one do they want? they have two options..
ReplyDelete@Daveychan: would you make an exception for blog writers? eeeek!
5 months in, she makes decent cheddar and you keep paying the tab? come on brotha... that early on, she is setting a precedence for how your outtings and any future relationship will go... she wants to go do something (since she doesn't want you cooking for her at home, but wants to dine with you, then you have to go out to dinner) and you end up paying every time.
ReplyDeleteIf this relationship progresses for an extended period of time and you one day decide (or maybe just find yourself with no $$) not to pay for everything, she's gonna think "you've changed" and "don't care about her anymore" or "treat her nice like you used to when you started dating"
TRYING to be chivalrous or "old-school" is like TRYING to be H.R. friendly... you know what you should and should not do in certain situations and so you filter your actions, even if it means holding back on your grade-A joke material ... so if you have to do things such as pay for everything or not express your concerns regarding having to pay for everything... does that mean you are not being yourself around this lady-friend... and if you can't be yourself, and discuss your concerns, is this someone you want to invest time (and money) into developing a relationship with?
... next thing you know, you are gonna be out at the bar/club/winery/tabasco factory/vegas or wherever the young people go these days with your lady friend, paying for adult beverages for her and all of her less hot lady-friends because she is volunteering your kindness to buy rounds all around (and let's face it, her friends are likely less hot because she's the only one with a man - or maybe she's the only one who's man has not run away yet)
but i digress
Soop-Sense is tingling ... it's all about open communication ... let her know your concerns and your need to share in your budding relationship by expressing your concerns in an open and non judge mental forum
and if that doesn't work... you can always do some experimental mind games and see how she reacts...
for example ...
- when she points at something she likes at the mall (and you expect you are going to end up paying for it) when she walks in to the Forever 21... you walk over to the GameStop (or Victoria's Secret... Frederick's of hollywood if you are into the kinky stuff)
let's see what she does... either buys the thing she was pointing out or doesn't.
and if she doesn't buy it... does she bring it up later, as though hinting that you should get it for her as a gift because you love her sooo much?
- when cruising around and it's getting close to grubbin' time... and you say "wow, I could totally go for a CostCo $1.50 hot Dog combo" and she says "i hate hot dogs" (but 5 months in, you are probably aware that this is a lie...giggitty) and she counters with "i want to go to cheesecake factory" - despite the CostCo being less than 1 mile away and the Cheesecake factory being in the next county - simply because she likes their bread [mmm, that brown oat bread is soo good... why do they bother putting that white bread in the basket with it... and why can i only order the smaller portion during lunch, i mean that dinner size is soo huge (that's what she said) ]
hmm, where was i going with this?
i'm getting hungry
my point is, if she's unwilling to compromise, or consider your preference/suggestion, yet expects you to pay every time... even after you tell her how you feel
well maybe you are better off with someone who can give as well as they take
and this lady needs to take a walk ( or a drive in that fancy overpriced luxury vehicle she paid for with all that money she has been saving by not paying for all those restaurant dinners she enjoys so much)
p.s.
ReplyDeleteif you are in the early stages of the dating game, and she doesn't at least fake an attempt to pay for something (at least the 12am boba tea she was craving after enjoying that new J-Lo movie she wanted to watch- which you paid for after enjoying the dinner at that snazzy restaurant she wanted to try- which you also paid for)...
it's likely she is accustomed to being given whatever she wants (maybe she's just smokin' hot, in which case Psych might say, whip out your wallet and ante up big boy)
@juanton: damn... :o I just got pwned
ReplyDeleteI'd like to start off by saying BRAVO!!! I think juanton is absolutely right in what he said. As a girl, I don't get how other girls can be that way. I don't think it's fair to ALWAYS have the guy pay for everything, especially in the case of the person who requested the blog topic-she makes more money than you and you're still expected to pay for everything? Not cool!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately it is true that if a guy were to suddenly "change" and not continue to pay for everything the girl is going to feel as though he is acting different with her. It's something I can't explain but I'm confident that 99.99999999% of the time is true, she will feel that way. But again I agree with what juanton said, test the waters at the mall to see how she reacts. If in the end she becomes upset because you refuse to pay for a meal, an outing, or even something she saw at the mall, maybe you do need to reevaluate your relationship and think about whether or not it's worth using up all your cash so you can continue to mate like bunnies. If so, then that is your own prerogative and sorry to say it, you can't complain. But then I would think that you would also have to take a good hard look at what you feel and question as to whether or not what you feel is really love? If you love someone, shouldn't you be able to openly and effectively communicate your concerns?
In terms of girls wanting to independent but still have guys be chivalrous can be a bit tricky. It's nice to know that a girl can be self-supporting and independent and not have to worry about asking her mommy, daddy, or sugar daddy for anything, but it is also nice to have a man who is willing to open doors for her, pick up the tab (once in a while), buy flower(s) for her just for the sake of seeing her smile, and walk on the outside of the sidewalk when walking on the street. You just gotta hope and pray that you got yourself a good one that's going to be understanding and reasonable.