Tuesday, February 5, 2013

272. Your vow




I vow to bring me.  I promise to be naked with you.  Not only physically...because that's easy...but emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  I promise to give you the best of who I am... not because I’m with you…but because I deserve to be the best for me, and vow to share that with you.  I will bring you honesty.  I will bring you my dirty, real and raw.  I come to you imperfect...not wanting you to fix me or put in the missing piece...but simply to accept my flaws as that which makes me perfect for me.  I admit this because there is nothing that I need to hide from you.  There is nothing that I feel you need not know about me.  You have earned it when you decided to share my world.  I will never want objects, false words, or promises because I will never give them to you.  What I ask from you is your real.  Your desire and faith in us.  I ask for you to join with me.  Not for me or for you…but for us.  Cards down.  All bets in.  

I want you to take us in.   It is not my goal to impress you…it never will be.  My goal will always be to move you.  To make you twirl inside in ways that you have never felt possible.  I want you to count down minutes between our touching lips…to make music with me in our symphony.  I want your love because no one will EVER love so uniquely like you.  To feel moved in ways that no one else can do.  I want you to smile before you knew how to frown. To have faith before you knew doubt.  To love deeper and harder than you ever thought you could.  To place pain aside and dive into the pool of our souls.  


Who do you vow to be you with?


Monday, February 4, 2013




"In your presence I fell more in love with the best of myself.  That was your gift"

-William Cummings

271. What does baggage look like?




The best part of going to the beach?  For me it's always been the sand.  Some people hate that part but not me...oh no...that's the good stuff.  I can sit in the sand for hours and bury my feet in it...lift it up and let it run through my fingers.  I build castles with it, make it into any chair or pillow I need for when I'm lounging.  The only thing about it is that it carries over into my car...house and later that night I always seem to find random pebbles in crevices on my body that do NOT belong on a blog.  

I believe that this is what baggage can look like.  When we are in a relationship...we play, have fun and build castles...we enjoy the sunny days and relish in the moments.  But at some point the tide comes in and washes it away.  Breaks down our castles...sweeps them out.  We walk back annoyed, tired and spent...empty and feeling as if all that work we did was for nothing if it could be swept away so easily.  

Now here's the catch about leaving the beach...no matter how much we dust ourselves off...no matter how much jumping...swinging or beach showering we do...we always end up with small pebbles in our car, home and other places that it was not intended to be.  Baggage is just that.  Baggage is the sand that drops in places that it is not meant to be at.  It is the small pebbles between your toes...the rocks underneath your finger nails...the annoyances that fall out of your towel and onto your living room floor.  

You see, baggage is something that keeps following you around until you wash it clean.  That means making meaning and sense out of your experiences...cleaning off all the things that followed you from your last relationship.  The clearing of the pebbles that are not meant to be with you.  

Friday, February 1, 2013


The Egg
By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

270. Home with them

I see my children in their eyes.  I am pulled out of yesterday and given tomorrow.  Nothing about my future doesn’t include them.  Home for me has never been where my heart is…home is where they are.  Think about it, every day you come across people that you may want to have sex with.  That’s easy.  Many that you will find funny, smart and beautiful…but really ask yourself how many of those you can see coming home to at the end of a shitty day.  Who do you want to be next to you when facing tomorrow is just too much?  Knowing that during your day, when the shit hits the fan, I can call them.  No questions.  No payment required.  Just them and their voice in my ear. 
How many people can make you feel safe and have the ability to make time stop no matter what happens?  Knowing that when you get home…everything is okay.  Counting the minutes until you see them again even when you’re already with them. 

Safe.  Not because they say so, but because they make you feel it.  Falling on them, pillow fights, ice cream sandwiches in bed, reading next to one another, bedhead and feeling/knowing that there is no one better for you or your children.  More than trust…more than surface…the ability to be emotionally naked.  That, ladies and gentlemen is “home”.  


Tuesday, January 29, 2013



-There may be nothing greater than coming home to them at the end of the day.

269. Pollinate


I spoke to a student today for a little while who had recognized me from a journal article.  He mentioned that after reading about my work in the military and now listening to me lecture for a bit about my time in war, that he felt something that he couldn’t explain…he’s says, “you’re a hero.”

I stumbled back a bit because I’ve never been called that.  I’ve never been told that I was a hero.  Like many of you, I grew up watching batman and superman cartoons…old school voltron and hell…even care bears who would throw their hands on their hips and fire from their bellies…they were heroes.  Not me.  Most of the time I stumble around and bang my little toe on side tables and here I have some random grad student trying to compare me to a carebear.  Wait…nevermind.  Anyways…

I write about this because on my drive home I had to take a minute and let it sit with me.  What is a hero?  What is the goal of a hero?  All I could think about initially was their drive.   Their ability to stand out and lead others…guide and protect others…stand above and help.  Then I realized, I’m sure all the readers did way before I did…that a hero isn’t these things…a hero is a servant.  A hero is one who gives to others without care for his own.  Without thought about his own well being. 

Therefore, this student wasn’t saying I was a leader or a hero as much as he was saying I was a servant to others.  For me, all I cared about was getting home when I was overseas…that was my end goal.  But in the course of my end goal, I ended up saving and helping others.  So although my goal was in my mind selfish, the path to it was steeped in lots of positive side effects.  Ripples.  Waves.  Movement.

I imagine what it is like to be a bee.  You know…buzz buzz?  A bee has one intention...get the pollen.  Fly to another flower…get the pollen.  Repeat, repeat, and repeat.  He doesn’t even know that as he lands on each flower he ends up carrying and dropping off the necessary things for growth…he creates flowers.  Life.  He has no idea that’s what he does!  He has his own intention but the side effect is life and pollination.  I think this is what makes a hero.  Someone who has their intention…someone who will work towards a goal and aims to complete it but while on his path effects and influences.  Supports and serves.  Gives and builds.  Grows himself through the growing of others…or perhaps…growing others and in effect, growing himself.

Buzz buzz.

268. Think forward


Rather than asking why something has happened, meaning causal, learn to instead ask what did it happen for.

I believe that when we do this, it changes our perspective…instead of being helpless and victim, we become the means and tools of understanding and growth. 

If I were in an accident that totaled my car, it would be easy for me to get down on myself, blame myself for some mistake…maybe I should have left five minutes earlier…maybe I shouldn’t have stopped for coffee…I should have payed more attention…I should have blah blah blah…all these extraneous events lead us to feel small, less than, and out of control.  It turns us into victims and helpless.  It forces us to live in the past and consider all the places we made mistakes.

Instead, if I learn to instead ask “what did it happen for” or in other words, “what the hell can I learn from this?” I can now use the event as a means to build and learn.  I turn from victim to victor…I am able to understand now that the possible reason for the experience of the totaled car, has taught me to appreciate life for example.  It’s forward thinking.  It’s movement and growth.

Deeper than this, “what can I learn from this” puts me into a place of possibility that allows a deeper understanding of events and actions.  It gives you back your sense of control and allows you to feel as the driver of your own car versus the passenger of a speeding vehicle.  Change your mind set and move from passenger to driver.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Q:  I'm having second thoughts about my fiance. We basically have a non-existant sex life (not to sound bitchy but a good or at least compatible sex life is important for a marriage or relationship to succeed), and lately I've been feeling unappreciated by him. He was recently sick and I took care of him, made sure he was taking his meds, paid for his meds, cooked, and cleaned for him. He can't even do something as simple as walk the dog while I make time to do it even though I work full time and attend school full time. Granted he works and goes to school also, and even though his program is different and sometimes more difficult than mine, he doesn't do either one full time. 
Am I wrong for having second thoughts? I don't mean for this to come off in a condescending way, but I have more education than him and a better paying job than him so I often think we aren't compatible because as of right now I don't feel we are equal partners. I don't need someone to make millions of dollars to make me happy, but I do need to feel like my partner is just that, my partner and not someone who I need to look after and cover most of the expenses.
But then again, I can sense his unconditional love for me, and I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. He treats me the best I have ever been treated, we can be stupid and laugh together, and never have I ever been afraid to be myself around him. 
I'm not sure if to follow my heart or my head in this case. But I can never say any of this to him.

A:  Any Philosophers out there?

Forward




There is no such thing as taking a step back.  I believe that every experience we have…good or bad…only adjusts the speed at which we move forward. 

-Psych!