183. Talk it out

"What if you don't know how s/he makes you feel? What if he have these mixed messages we're trying to decipher and not really know where we stand? It is possible that while with your partner you are vibing, getting all the right signals, and everything is there. Once apart, s/he is not as attentive so you're confused but you've idolized this person as potentially being the perfect mate because of all of the qualities they possess and those qualities having to be everything on your "list." How can you find out without compromising your happiness? Or simply, what if you don't want to get rid of the idea of that person?"

If you don't know how s/he makes you feel...then ask yourself again.  What you're telling me is that you are feeling confused...you feel the connection, the jolt, the joy, the soul of your partner when together but then feel the disconnection, the break down and the loss when they are apart from you. 

Here's a few things, relationships should be a connection of two lives, a partnering of who we are and what we bring...it is an active and open sharing of our gifts with them- not for them.  If you've "idolized" them...then you have just shat on yourself.  When you "idolize" them you are automatically diminishing yourself.  Be on the winner's platform with them...not the footstool that lifts them onto the pedestal. 

If you idolize them and make them a super hero when with them...does that mean when you are apart you become the "damsel in distress" waiting for them to come save you again? 

Remember that your feelings should not be based on them.  I believe that too many people base their feelings on those of their partners.  This is wrong.  You are your own person.  You have your own colors, shades of gray and shapes- you are art.

With that being said, I challenge you to find your own feelings that are separate from your partner's.  If you feel that s/he is "not as attentive" it is your responsibility to call him/her out on it and express how you feel.  Explain how you feel when they are away and what it does to you.  S/he may not know that they do that to you and a simple conversation could open up your relationship.

182. Healthy/Unhealthy

First, I believe there are two types of love: healthy and unhealthy. Unhealthy love is being powerless, selfish and enabling. It has no boundaries. Unhealthy love is unconditional and yet contingent. It is immature, irresponsible and dependent. Unhealthy love is urgent. There is a desperation behind it which produces manipulation and compromise of self. Unhealthy love is a pissing contest, a tug of war, a mute silence and a kick stand. It is obvious. Unhealthy love promotes the false self and stunts growth. It is a drug.  You base your feelings and emotion on those of the other...you seek their health over your own, which is sweet but when it costs you your own- wrong.

Healthy love is a choice. It is something you decide to give as a gift. It has conditions that shape the self and strengthen the other. Healthy love is feeling powerful and independent. It is grilled cheese and vegetable soup on a rainy day but not every day. Healthy love is patient, kind and accepting. Healthy love requires a tremendous amount of responsibility which involves communication on all levels and constant reflection. It is building trust, having faith and holding a commitment. Healthy love promotes growth and two strong containers. Healthy love is rare. It also comes down to choosing to give of yourself as a choice.  As you must be willing to give to the other, you must be willing to give to yourself.  Healthy love does not only apply to your partner, it applies to how you give to yourself that which you try and give to your partner. 

Angry
Added- Psych!

181. Alive

The five seconds after a crushing CrossFit WOD.  A life changing conversation.  Make up sex.  Heights.  The company of a beautiful woman.  Swimming in the ocean.  Revelations about self.  Giving birth to an idea.  That moment when they kiss you back.  Running down hill.  The first sip of hot strong coffee in the morning.  A broken heart.  Writing.
These are some of the things that make me feel alive.

What are yours?

The difference between feeling good and feeling alive is fear.  We are not afraid of things that make us feel good.  A safe job, a comfortable relationship, twenty minutes on a treadmill.  These things don’t require much effort.  We are not afraid of them.  But if you want to feel alive, there must be an element of fear.  We might get injured.  We might lose money.  We might be rejected, labeled, or fired.  We might be wrong.  But with risk comes reward.  Feeling good is not enough.  It keeps us trapped in a bubble.  Good falls on our lap.  Alive doesn’t.  If we want to feel alive, we must chase it or we will start to feel dead.
   
The monotony of your daily life combined with the pressures from work and relationships can put you in an emotional coffin.  If you want to break out, you must seek what pumps your heart.  From the moment you wake up to the second you fall asleep.  Little things, big things, it doesn’t matter.  It’s not about the activity.  It’s about the process of facing your fears.  Ask that girl out.  Stand up to your boss.  Publish a book.  Start a blog.  Pick up a guitar.  Eat something you wouldn’t.  Go somewhere foreign.  Get out of your comfort zone.  Explore your edges.  Turn your dial from good to alive.  This stretch will change your life.  Shatter the fishbowl you live in.  If you’re content with good, content is all you’ll ever be.  

180. Asking the wrong question

You’re Asking the Wrong Question

 

Instead of asking yourself how you feel about him/her.  Ask yourself how he/she makes you feel.  When you focus on what you like about someone, you are letting them off the hook.  This question allows fantasy.  If you flip it and ask how they make you feel, suddenly you’re snapped back into realty.  They are up at bat.  Are they striking out or hitting home runs?
I think we focus too much on what we want and not enough on what we deserve.  We deserve to feel invincible and beautiful.  Does this person make you feel this way?  No?  Then why are you with them?  Sex, comfort, or a label is not enough.  Life is too fucking short.  Relationships are too fucking hard.
The way someone makes you feel is the gift of the relationship.  Read that again.  The gift is not that you’re in one.  What’s left after the dust settles, “dust” being the initial attraction, is the nectar - how the person makes us feel.  If the answer to that question is shitty, well we don’t need anyone to make us feel that.  We do an excellent job of that on our own.
So if you’re going to invest in a relationship, because that’s what you’re doing, INVESTING, look for someone who makes you feel a way that no one else on the planet can make you feel.  That is of value.  If that person makes you feel like many others can, including yourself, that’s like investing in stock you know is bad.  So if you don’t profit (find happiness), don’t be surprised.

Love it

179. Do something stupid today...

178. Her

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. -bob marley

177. So simple...even a rabbit can do it

Excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.


"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive.


But the Skin Horse only smiled.

Thanks to you...

176. Dis vs Dat vs Dit

175. Bright side

Just a quick and fast blog on my phone (kind of as a tester for this new app)



It is never the event or trauma that determines our life...it is the way we cope with it that does.

Think of those times when you are cooking or munching on something absolutely awesome...suddenly because of some random distraction...you drop that piece of food.  what happens?

"5 second rule!"

You then grab at the food, eat it, place it back on the plate, lick it clean...blah blah blah.  The same person could easily pick up that piece of food and toss it into the waste basket.

This is a crude metaphor for our ability to find the positive in things and different ways that we can cope.  Although we can never alter the events that occur in our lives, we can change our attitude about them.

Again, when we are unable to change our situation...we are challenged to change ourselves...We can change the way that we react to the unchangeable and difficult events...when crap happens...find your 5 second rule.

174. Risk

Today I will not worry about looking like a fool.

Today I will not try to be better than the other.

Today I will not cave under the belief of someone else.

Today I will not shy away from tears.

Today I will not back off.

Today I will live.


and today...I'll forget to brush my teeth before leaving the house :(