14. Sleepwalking zombie

sooo my working hours are now from 10 pm to 8 am. Responsibilities include:
1. Stay awake
2. Drink coffee to accomplish number 1
3. Entertain myself on the internet
4. Check on children in the home to verify they are okay (please note its position on the list)
5. Continue to try and stay awake with more coffee
So allow me to explain how this house is...the house is estimated at 6 rooms/5 bathrooms on the top floor (long hallway)
Main floor has a kitchen, living room, dining room, multipurpose room, office, 4 bedrooms/5 bathrooms and again long hallway.
Has a basement, front patio, back and side patios, two laundry rooms outside and a 2.5 car garage.
At night the house is dark because the kids have to sleep (very dark) and it is my responsibility to walk around and see kids and check on the residents and such...well...what happens at the dead of the night when you're alone in such a huge house? YOU HEAR NOISES!!!
I swear I hear noises, that I don't care to think about, all night that freak me out...now yes i'm in the marines and yes seen some ugly things...but let me tell you something...ghosts cannot be shot, struck with a blunt object, or even bribed.....not that i've tried- doh!
So i hear things all the time...anyways...one night i hear a noise upstairs and begin my walk upstairs in the darkness to investigate this thumping..i know what you're thinking,
'you fool! run out the house leave the kids to die at the hands of whatever it is, burn down the place and blame it on the neighbor!'
but instead i head upstairs in the darkness to investigate the noise...sure enough as i am climbing the stairs, standing directly to my left at the top of the stairs is a figure that is just standing there...again...JUST STANDING THERE....i flash my flashlight at it and realize i'm not imagining this figure...again i can hear you...
'told ya so, now you're feed for worms that eventually cows will eat, digest and spew out their ass to make fertilizer with'
so I put my flashlight on it and notice that it's standing limp, arms down, head slightly tilted to the right, lips parted and eyes half closed, with only the outline being seen, i figure out it's one of the residents...telling the resident to go back to bed, i stay far from him because screw my ass being jumped at by this freaky asian zombie thing, trust me, i've seen Dawn of the Dead.
Soooo....i eventually work up the courage to walk up to him and poke him with my flashlight...i notice his eyes are rolled back and drool coming out of his mouth along with mumbling and slight twitching (very slight)...imagine that!! slight twitching, limp, eyes rolled back and open, with incomprehensible mumbling coming out (i'm not paid enough for death by asian undead boy)...after poking him with the flashlight some more, (almost beating him with it I should say) i grab his shoulders, spin him around and lead him back to his room...he goes with it, doesn't jump at my neck to kill me, but instead lays down and goes to sleep...or I guess I should say continues to do it in a non-standing up position.
I retreat to my office corner and spend the remaining time to praying that no other zombie kid arises from the thought dead....
phew....none did. ;-)

13. Latest adventures

Where to begin...things that i've recently come across:
1. Men at age 45 to 53 can still have arguments that go along the lines of "it's way better than that, i'd have to say it's about an infinity amount better than that..."
2. At my bartending job, we have the house soup every day called Cock N' Leaky Soup (rice, chicken and leaks). If that's not funny enough, imagine a woman estimated at age 77 who isn't quite sure of the name of the soup coming up and saying, "i'd like an order of that...ya know..that one soup...that...Leeky Cock Soup...it takes so good going down my throat..."
Oh yeah..needless to say i'm dying on the other side listening to her say this
3. Going to starbucks tired as hell and asking for a large black coffee. I ask the guy if there is anything stronger than that...his response? how about I give you a black eye? My response of WTF?!?!?! his response, relax it's just two shots of espresso in the coffee....
.......i'm working from 10 pm to 8 am now folks..feel free to bug me at any time of the night!!!! ;-)

12. Latest addiction

Now I write this simply for the sake of a few people. This last weekend I had the Marine Corp and was running around, exercisiing a lot and basically burning energy like no other. Being absolutely tired, I decided that I was hungry...now I'm not able to leave the base once i'm there so my options for snacks were: pig's feet, some weird fish chips, these like...chicken feet things...and a slim jim. There were the only things available because I was bumming food off some of my marines...I KNOW WTF?!?! who has those things as snacks!?? haha. Anyways so I opted for the slim jim which in the end I really really enjoyed. I liked it so much that I went out and bought a case of them (50 count) and now that I have them as of today, I have eaten about 10 in a row...i'm feeling sick and not very happy with my choice...yes yes I know I should have spread it out..but dammit the first 8 were just so good that I had to keep eating....oh...not to mention following it with a nice cold Monster Assault Energy drink...all before 8 am! haha....soo bad....but now...i'm not feeling very kosher..maybe the lesson for today is learning moderation...

11. Meaning and happiness

With the success of my last blog I thought I would put something else on here...not sure if the same amount of reaction will occur but lets see....There is no mystery to happiness. Unhappy men and women are are all alike. Some wound they suffered long ago, some wish denied, some blow to the pride, some kindling...spark of love put out by scorn- or worse, indifference- cleaves to them, or they to it, and so they live each day within a shroud of yesterday. The happy wo/man does not look back, s/he doesn't look ahead, s/he lives in the present.The present can never deliver one thing: meaning. The ways of happiness and meaning are not the same. To find happiness, a wo/man need only live in the moment; s/he need only live for the moment. But if s/he wants meaning- his dreams, secrets, life- a wo/man must reinhabit his/her past, however dark and live for the future. Thus nature dangles happiness and meaning before us all, insisting only that we choose between them. Is there a balance? is there a common side of such extremes?...The intellectual, the inward soul, sensitive enough to see the spiritual world but not strong enough to bear the burdern it imposes. The reality of life sinking in and striking at the need of the material at hand...the need to live in the "real". The challenge is to do both: to hear the voices of the other world but live in this one...I think...

10. Women are Men's Inferior?

For those of you who KNOW ME and know who I am, you will NOT take offense to this. I am not a "woman hater" nor am I putting this up as my views about sex and gender. I am not sexist and I do truly believe, truly believe that in the end women are so much stronger than men...I simply intend to put it here as a topic of discussion and interest. I put it here because I wonder the OPINION of others and as a vent for myself.Motivation came from a woman who mentioned to me that I was ugly...straight out ugly...hahaha... and that it was lucky for me that I was decently smart....I was like..."WTF?!?!?!" I was told that they only way to get a woman was to "become rich and buy one!!!" haha...It started because the sister of the recently deceased asked me out and I said "I was taken." (this way for her not to ever do that again)....her reply was "is it because you think you're better than women?...well I'm hott and you're turning me down?...you should be begging me to go out with YOU." UGH!!! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT FROM?!?...I'll confess the secret of women. Women are seen as men's inferiors. I know it is backward of me to say so, but to deny it is folly. All of mankind's riches, material and spiritual, are men's creations. Our towering cities, our science, art, and music-all built, discovered, painted, and composed by us men. Women know this. Women cannot help being overmastered and unrecognized by stronger men, and women cannot help resenting men for it. A women's love for a man is half animal passion and half hate. The more a woman loves a man, the more she hates him. If a man is worth having, he must be a woman's superior; if he is her superior, part of her must hate him. It is only in beauty (personality or physical, you choose) women surpass men, and it is therefore no wonder that women worship beauty above all else. That is why a woman is at her greatest peril in the presence of a beautiful man...If she is to be his and his only, she must respect him...she must learn from him and always know that she can grow. Women are amazing for that reason...they will give themselves to you whole heartedly and completely...if you are worthy of it.But then again, some women are just...well...ya know...B's!!! (as some of you girls can admit...as like some men are assholes to which we can admit as well)Now I realize that it is because we didn't allow women the opportunity to do these things and we have never had to give them the credit they deserve. Women are amazing and incredible, even more so than men, which is why I firmly believe in women's rights. But to tell someone that they are "butt ugly" and that they would never find anyone unless it was an encyclopedia (funny in fact) was just throwing. "you'll have to buy a woman..." ugh! I was thrown. Who was she to say that to me...to insult me when I was there to help HER family with the recent passing of her brother...such a thankless job.

9. Our Stories

I challenge and lament those to whom my story doesn't matter; those that look me in the eyes with the inability to see past their own insecurities- into someone with strength beyond their own apparent norms. We need stories, unquestionable paradigms for behavior and history when everything else about us – our appearance, or language, our preferences -- are subject to definition by anyone that looks at us. This statement exudes and expresses exact emotion of what it is to wholeheartedly and unfalteringly know your own personal experiences of life- only to be shattered into broken pieces of disbelief and doubt. I feel the signature essence of my point is based on "masks" that we all put out in an attempt to embellish, rebuild, or promote who we are. In other words, our simple ability to lie in order to come off in a particular light (positive/negative in some cases) or favored opinion, if you will.
I can understand the perspective of many, stories of resiliency, buoyancy in the face of oppression is of itself a noble tale. Yet I'm pulled away, unforgiving when it's presented in a different way that it didn't have to be. An individual's ability to change their situation by hard work and motivation is in its own right amazing. Yet for some reason, many are unable to accept the simple explanation of hard work leading to success and in turn fabricating a story that is different and untrue. Again speaking from opinion, I constantly find many people that cannot believe that I have lived the life that I have; orphaned, abused, suicide, street life, college degree, war. I can see how it is unbelievable and why it wouldn't seem to connect with many. I acknowledge it is not necessary for them to believe me either, but this doubt does not prompt me to change who I am or how I tell the story. In theory I could retell my story omitting many things that would make it more believable, but why? What would I gain from it? Perhaps it is based in my confident yet uncaring outlook, or maybe my unfaltering belief that who I am should never be changed. Whatever the reasoning, I will not falter or yield to disbelievers; instead I will walk side by side with those that will accept or at least humor my story unchanged. As opposed to those that require an abridged version, dropping the pain and soul of it's resiliency in exchange for flowers and butterflies that helps the listening better relate and understand it.
Still I'm pulled towards an understanding. Is it a relation reasoning? Is it because many feel no one would relate to a person working hard for success? My understanding is that because no one could feel what the struggle was (for each person), they have to build a tale of success beyond normal means based in a person's ability to be true to their word. With that, I question why? Working hard to succeed is something that everyone does and strives for in life, what better way to tell your story because it relates to everyone that would hear it. Or maybe, inherently- our ability to stand out from the norm is the intention. Our simple spin on the truth, our "version" allows the tale to be expressively, and for the time, be completely unique. That is it, why file in with the traditional belief when one can stand above all accepted stereotypes and be different.

Yet I still will say without question, those that work hard (with or without a stupid college degree- because it doesn't matter if you have a piece of paper, because shite I have two) will in the end triumph above any odds. Cold, bleeding, broken and tired...you will succeed and I challenge you to tell the story as it is...unchanged and unfaltered tell your story of hard work without lying or embelishment...be true to what you've worked for your entire life.

and if no ones believes you or looks down on you for that story...fuck 'em!

8. Life

How was it said, ...true love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another...poetic, almost too easy of a definition. Why are we here? what experience do we absolutely need to experience? perhaps my innate and recent need to question life itself is too much of a discerning nature with too little accord in corporeal actions. Never answering my inquiries, I admit defeat...I admit not having ideas of what kind of answer would suffice...
Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous man secretly clings to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. If we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we crrently refer to as destiny.
Find answers on your way to where you are going.

7. True Feelings?

Truly, why is it soo freakin difficult to feel true feelings? Almost benign, intently cold and in a way, ornately broken. Why are women so difficult to understand, why are women so hard.
I can sit for hours listening to music allowing my mind to fly and simply float off into an odd abyss, unbroken and enwreathed, my inner minds-thoughts float out of me and into the dialog bubble above my head- I sigh unwilling to accept the moments in a day and more so, to hear out any words of positivity and happiness and why? Almost insane, I walk to a non-existent percussion that beats in my body and takes life as it is dealt to me- pissed, enraged, tortured, scarred and indeed ravaged, I scream at my heart to turn cold and thus be impenetrable- yet fighting an unending story- it refuses to save feeling in exchange for face. Although it fights to be aesthetically and emotionally pleasing (almost oxymoronic) it instead trades its own sanity for the sake of another...such shit

6. 20's

Where does the comtemplation come from? Isn't it ironic to note how many times we have all heard, "these are the best years of your life?"...high school (no bills, no worries and of course the lack of true responsibility)...granted. Then we're told this again in college; no curfew, seemingly on our own, and without surpervision. Yet then we stand on our own after college with little to no direction, random bills and of course the impending danger of bankrupcy. Now given, physique is beyond measure in comparisson to anything I may ever have again, nor will I ever have the priviledges of all night partying, liver-less drinking or random dating. Yet, this entire timeline is more than that...this moment is the crystalous of a caterpiller into the darkness. What do you mean? We get out of school..or the "teens" with hardly a sense of who we are...hardly an idea of what it is to truly be on our own and step up to bat. What profession do we want...and in turn...why do we end up doing jobs that may provide for the time being but truly lack in what we REALLY want to do?
Consider those that want to be doctors...because they are unable to make it into med school they consider jobs as researchers to help them feel somehow connected to being a doctor and always have thoughts of could've been with some random reason why they aren't. Not to downsell on these individuals but instead to exemplify possible mindsets. I also speak to those whose parents expect certain "great" things of their children. There exist students who chose and actively told the world that they would be a lawyer for instance- yet when unable to make it into any law school or compete at that level, they create an acceptable reason why not and to fight embarassment tell the world that eventually they are but are taking a break or some other reason....good or bad? Of course taking into consideration those that simply go to college because everyone expects them to, or more so that's all they knew to do. The push in high school to go to college was so great that's all we knew, "I have to go to college, because that's what next right?"...and when graduating lack a true sense of what they want to do in life but instead "fall into" different careers...sales, insurance....etc.
Instead we find ourselves continually trying to find an answer to what we want when we don't really know what we want. I'm sure we all think these same things...they tend to catch you at all times of the day...especially when you least expect it...that morning commute, while at your work or even during mundane tasks as writing up a simply email. It happens to us all and in fact, it's interesting to note how we all think the same things but hardly ever verbalize it. In turn, where do we go? Are we all just simply predestined to follow in the steps of previous generations? and in fact, to delve deeper into the point, are we then subjected to pass on the same words to younger generations?..."these are the best times of your life..." because are they really?

6. So Tired

you know, i'm just so freakin' tired. we are all at one point pulled into a situations of create or dissipate, make or break, surge or flee decisions. We are forced, almost rhythmically, into points in our life when it demands your soul's essence, it demands every bit of energy and every ounce of whatever you have in you, it demands actions and even your own sense of reality. It squeezes any grasp that you think you have on what is happening around you, any sense of comfort and like a balloon, pierces it while you try and patch up the hole- and in fact, reminds you that you are perceptibly along for the ride, that you are the ant in it's glass farm, trying not to get lost. We are tangible, to an extent- puppets, led into decisions right or wrong and forced to choose our path. requisite or indecorous, pissed or serene, we are enslaved to it's rules, it's boundaries and ultimately it's determination, karma or kismit if you will. It charges and thrusts you so far before you are expected to step up, before you have to pull out those little drops of whatever is in you, that last breath, that last strand of strength and simply stick your finger out and say "fuck you world, I will not bend over..." That's the change, that's the outcome, it's up to us in effect to decide how much we want to take, how much we will be contrained to. be the balloon, say fuck it and slowly deflate until there's nothing left? blow it all and let the hole burst your being? or patch it up and carry on...i'll tell you what though, eventually, all those patches will add up...and no pin will penetrate what's inside...
In life it doesn't matter how hard you push back, or how hard you fight...all that matters is how much you can get pushed and still move forward..tired, bruised and all...how much will you take and still keep moving forward.