274. I'm afraid of me, with you

Q: 
Im waiting for this guy to dump me psych!  He is just so amazing and I really like him but am like thinking hes just going to let me go and I feel myself pulling away from him eventhough he tells me how happy and great we are together.  He tells me he likes me and wants a family with me but I cant help but think that its all going to fall a part and Im going to lose him.  What gives? 

A:

I actually wrote this up a while ago and never posted it...seems like a good time to do it.  I hope this helps anonymous86.

You’re in a relationship and things are going great.  You click, the family likes tolerates you and you can’t help but feel like they are the “one”. 

Yet there is something underneath it…something scary and worrisome…resistance…

Feeling resistant comes in a variety of ways and from a variety of places.  We feel something so great that it can shake our core…an earthquake moving the ground and us on stilts trying to keep balance.  You’re waiting for the other shoe to fall…waiting for the phone call that says, “we need to talk” waiting for them to tell you some deep horrible secret of theirs so that you can fall back into the dating scene…again.  You end up waiting for it to end…because “it always does.” A horrible spin cycle on high.  But yet…they are in your life…and they are staying.  WTF?  You have finally ended up finding someone?  Really?  Me?!?!  You?!?! And yet you cannot help to feel this weird sense about you two.

This is normal and natural.  To have such a wonderful connection and relationship with someone that it shakes you.  Moves you.  Breaks your expectations and makes you feel like you’re scattering.

Someone with whom you can connect with so deeply…that what you end up feeling is fear.  We have all been burned…hurt and broken…this has resulted in deep seated hesitation, fear and burn out.  We are tired of the game.  Annoyed with it.  The same damn flavor of ramen soup.  Then finally when we do find someone and can’t find anything “wrong” with them…we grow unsure…it’s new…it’s different…it’s not the same ramen anymore…this one is different…this one has added flavor…intoxicating…strange and therefore…scary.  It’s outside of our expectations and we don’t know how to react.  It’s outside what we’re used to and so our brain, heart and soul haven’t learned how to move with it. 

Think of times that you did something that you were fearful of.  For me, heights has always been a thing that scared me.  Even when I would jump out of planes regularly I was always afraid of the first step and looking over.  Although I knew I would be safe my fear always stops me for a second.   Every time.  This is done for self-preservation…self containment…and protection.  When we don’t know how to react to something, like fear, our body gets confused and unsure.

I believe that this happens when we find a new partner and start to grow deeper into them…we feel a sense of connection and acceptance from them that…well, it gets scary.  In that moment we realize that we are getting all the things that we never thought we could get.  Never thought we would ever see…the stupid ass Disney movie plotline and we are the princess…we get acceptance, partnership, love, support and care.  All for us.  No strings attached…no agenda…no receipt required…someone that accepts you for you and it scares the shit out of you.  Your head goes into overdrive, “what if they leave me?”  “what if I fuck it up?” “what if they realize that I’m not all that they think I am?”  what if…what if…what if?????

A few things.  First off, know that fear is healthy.  Damn healthy!  It helps define where our bars are, our personal records, so that we can aim to shatter them.  Know what to shoot for.  Secondly, fear which can = resistance, tells us how to grow.  When we are resistant and unsure about doing something…know that you need to do it.  Oh yes.  Do it hard.  Our ability to push past resistance will stretch us and in the end will grow us.  Lastly, accept fear.  When you can accept what you fear…you are really accepting you.  You are accepting the things that make you second guess…you are accepting the “weak” points in you…you are accepting the holes that you have, that make you whole.  When we acknowledge fear, we accept us because fear is as real and necessary as love, happiness, pain and ache.  

p.s. 
I realize I may have inadvertently called myself a princess back there...