"I just don't get it psych! my boyfriend has it all with me. I cook for him and pick up the bill sometimes, I have a wonderful job which allows me to do that. I dress up and am there for him physically in any way he wants and yet, he cheats on me. I don't understand. My girlfriends told me that he was a player when I met him, but it's only now that we're getting serious that it bothers me. Why does he do that?"
Hey there,
I remember this from a movie a while back ago..don't remember which though. There is something like a 20/80 split. What that means is that...in any given relationship that person...our partner, satisfies 80% of everything we need...physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.
(80% of our needs met by anyone is AMAZING by the way!!!)
So with 80% being satisfied....we as people can sometimes fall victim to thinking..."hey, I need 100% fulfillment at all times!" which is NOT TRUE.
Anyways...the problem is that many people think you need to have 100% filled which means when they are satisfied 80% of what they need...they look "ELSEWHERE" and will try and find that 20% they are missing. (WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE)
THink about it. YOu are there for him...you give him everything...you do so much for him that I'm sure you couldn't write down...you are fulfilling his 80%. The problem is that he may be cheating because he is trying to find that mythical 20% that he is missing from you.
ALSO!! it is not your responsibility to fulfill 100%. That's important.
What happens is that often times, the partner will jump ship chasing after what they think they need from that 20% they were missing. The problem? they cheat and jump ship only to realize that they do get the 20% from the other person but lose the 80% they were getting from their original partner!
Think of players. You know...guys that play around with many partners. They in this model are getting 10% from this gal....10% from this other gal...10% from this other, other gal....10% from this other, other gals grandma....etc.
They are splitting and trying to get fulfilled from everyone in so many ways...getting different parts of their needs/wants done in various ways...
People...DO NOT...chase 100% from anyone. It will not be fulfilled by anyone. YOU will be happy with 80% filled.
For my question person....
read my blog-
1. because it's free
2. it will give you some guidance about who you are
You sound like you're helping and giving so much and trying...even to the point of asking a complete stranger for help...You ARE doing what is right. I will not take a long time to address your feelings or value that you hold, unless you ask me to...but I will say this, KNOW your value. know your value readers.
My only question is whether or not he is fulfilling your 80%....or is he only fulfilling your 20%?
Drop the guy like a bad investment.
ReplyDeleteIf the guy is engaging in relations with other ladies, and you expect him to only engage in relations with you, and you expect yourself to only engage with him... and you are both aware of these expectations, but he goes and "hooks up" with other ladies, then it is time to get off the toilet seat, because this thing is about as done as it is going to get.
if you invested $1,000 in a company, and you continued investing year after year because the financial reports indicated the company would continue to grow into something bigger - so now you are $10,000 invested over the last 5 years ...
then you find out they violated several accounting standards (cheated)
so the value of your investment has plummeted to a value of about 20% of your investment
...
are you going to keep putting in more time and money into the company- hoping that they turn things around, clean up their act, rebuild their reputation, earn back your investment ?
or are you going to call it a day, and walk away with what little you have left?
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the answer depends on your situation, but in general, you are going to wanna distance your portfolio as far from that company's shares as possible
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in case that wasn't clear... the company is the man, the investor is the lady, the accounting violations if the man engaging in relations with the other lady, and you walking away is dropping the man to the curb
Unfortunately it's easier said than done. Often times when one is in an unhealthy relationship, no matter how much advice one gets from friends and loved ones, until you're ready to walk away it isn't going to happen. As an individual we have to be the ones to realize when enough is enough. It doesn't do us any good to have other people tell us to get out when there is still a part of us that wants to stay and that is the reason why it is taking so long. Eventually most of us become fed up and that's when we realize "I deserve better than this" or in this case "he's only fulfilling my 20% as opposed to my 80%." We can only hope that we are smart enough to walk away before it gets bad and everyone else but ourselves see how bad it really is.
ReplyDelete@Juan: wow. just freakin' wow. I lovd how brilliant you are.
ReplyDelete@Gaby: I should have put something in there about it being easier said than done. You are right...it is really, really hard because we have so much invested...