So here's an interesting question....
PSYCH!SENSE question: When dating someone...is giving/buying them things often in the beginning, too much?
Now what the hell does that mean? Okay..let's break it down...lets say you meet someone randomly...oh I don't know...in a strawberry field...you two hit it off and you start dating...
Because of watching way too many damn Disney movies growing up or even actually having both a mother and father that actually made it and are still together...despite them getting pregnant with you in a porta-potty...you end having this sense of what love and relationships should be.
You end up then giving a lot to your partner in the beginning...meaning you buy them flowers every time you see them, you take them on trips to .....wherever....you pay for dinners and treat them often...you see what I mean? You are a complete gentleman, paying for things, sending them flowers and listening to them and getting them gifts randomly.
Now some philosophizers have told me that they find this as a major "NO-NO"
The female philosophizers (one married and one in a long term relationship) both said that when a man does that for a woman, she will most likely become immune to it which will result in flowers at work becoming stagnant and boring. In other words, if you send flowers and gifts to your partner at work often, it loses it's fun and surprise and becomes "boring"
Their solution? Make the woman work for it. Make the woman miss if and yearn for it and then you will have her heart when you do finally send it. They also say that doing it often makes the giver more often to being taken advantage of...especially if they date around a lot.
Despite them both saying, "we're really good women! but we've taken advantage of our guys...until we they get mad and remind us what they do for us." I suppose their opinion is that it becomes less special...(does it always have to be special? as oppose to being just a reminder?)
What do my other philosophizers think?
PSYCH!SENSE is telling me that although this could happen (being taken advantage of)...I feel that a "good" woman (or man) would be willing to acknowledge that they are being given a lot and instead of taking advantage of it...would try and step their game up if they want that person in their life.
I believe a good person who is being given a lot would, instead of taking advantage or instead of becoming "used" to being given lots of stuff...should be willing to look at themselves and say, "hey...he gave me a dozen roses at work for no reason...I should....give him a blow job later" hahahhaha...kidding....kinda.
But you see what I mean? someone who takes advantage of you would instead say, "oh he sent me flowers again....meh....he always does that...no big deal." Am I saying that you should give flowers or give equal amount of stuff in return? no! I'm simply saying that you have to be willing to look at yourself and consider your partner's actions in relation to yours.
True story. I dated a woman for about 2 months a while back ago that LOVED chocolate (personally, I can't stand it that much...) anyways...I would send her chocolate when I could....she would tell me, "Andrew! I don't know what to do for you...I feel so bad that you send me so much chocolate!!!"
I simply told her..."I can slow it down...but instead of feeling bad and having me stop all together...lets try and get you to give back..." so what did she do?
...she gave me blow jobs :) kidding.
Instead she began making me cards and sending hand written notes that I absolutely loved! that was the equalizer.
Remember ladies and gentlemen...flowers and random gifts are nice, not because of the actual gift (well sometimes) but because it tells your partner that you thought of them in that moment that you bought it for them. It tells your partner, "I saw this and thought of you...or...I was thinking of you and decided to get you these." that's the real magic behind gifts...they represent care and thoughtfulness to the receiver.
It must be said that a good woman/man would be willing to ask themselves..."does my partner give me more than I give them?" If so- you need to fix yourself. A partner who is unwilling to look at themselves in relation to their other is living for themselves instead of ourselves.
Again...readers what do we think?
If a guy (or gal) gives a lot to their partner early in the relationship because it's just the type of person they are....they believe in buying gifts and being loving and thoughtful in many ways other than/or in addition to words and physical affection...
Does giving a lot to an early dating relationship create a situation where they end up being taken advantaged of?
or
Does giving a lot to an early dating relationship help them weed out those that are not worth their time if they are taken advantaged of?
First of all, thank you Mr. Psych, for an opportunity to procrastinate late in the night with your wonderful babbos.
ReplyDeleteHm. Wow. Hm. More hm-ing. Well. In a Gift of the Magi kind of way, I think the ideal is that people give to each other without the expectation of a return. No calculation or analysis or plotting out how to make someone "work" for it (yeesh, that's a lot of trouble). Just the genuine and sincere consideration and care it takes to give gifts, or show any affection through words and actions.
But maybe that's unrealistic (and maybe just as bad as those Disney movies and parents doing it in the porta-potty. And that Giving Tree, too. Ohhh, that Giving Tree!! Sigh). And I can see how a person might become resentful especially if the other person can't even at the least show some acknowledgement or appreciation time and time again.
I would hope that people in a good relationship will reciprocate in some way or other though(like chocolate for letters. That's a good book title), and it doesn't have to be limited to gifts only. I think if someone feels taken advantage of, it's not just because of gifts. I think there's something that needs to be addressed in the relationship as a whole, whether it's lack of caring, lack of communication, lack of consideration, and who knows what else if anything.
Maybe people have to do what they just normally do and whatever comes up, comes up. And I hate to think that this is the only purpose of gift-giving, but maybe it IS a "weeder" for some people, if they end up feeling that way. I don't think the gift-giving (and lack of return gift-giving) is necessarily the problem, but the giver can either weed out people who don't make him/her happy, or just end up a tree stump (which, according to the story, ain't a bad thing. ...Say what??)